Milkshake Girl
by Gigileexo
Summary: She is secret strawberry milkshakes and sugar-sweet smiles. He is sin and corruption and thirteen years too old. A/H, E/B
1. 1: Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon

**_WARNING:_** **I know not many people will like the fact that Edward is 13 years older than Bella, so if you're one of them, this story isn't for you and I suggest you kindly move on.**

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 **Chapter 1: Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon**

The first time I met him, I was fourteen years old.

It was christmas. I was sitting on the love-seat next to my mother in our living room. My cousin Vickie was sitting on the floor by my feet, her toes mushed into the carpet and her arm resting just next to my knee on the couch. Her fiery red hair was splayed across my legs and I was rubbing my fingers through her scalp. She was almost purring in pleasure. She loved it when I played with her hair.

Jake and Emily were sitting on the floor playing video games together, huddled in front of the TV. They were playing some new game they'd just gotten that day. The twins hadn't been off it since they'd unwrapped it this morning, but mom let them off because it was christmas.

Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil were sitting on some chairs we'd pulled in from the kitchen, chatting away to my mom. Rose and her long-time beau, Emmett, were in the kitchen refilling drinks —or so they said. And on the other couch sat Edward Cullen.

Vickie and Edward had been together all of two weeks before she brought him over to meet us for christmas dinner. He was kind of hot. Unusual bronze hair in a strange disarray, almost strategic, but not. Nobody else would've been able to pull it off but him. Bright green eyes implored me and a lazy smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth. Those straight teeth, those smirking red lips, he had me weak at the knees. Just about everything about him had me weak at the knees really. He was twenty-seven, way out of my league and completely forbidden, but a girl could dream. Vickie was the luckiest girl alive.

Her parents and aunt —my mother— didn't seem to approve of him. He was too old for her they said. When mom had first found out, I'd been sitting at the kitchen table whilst she prepared dinner for us and she was admonishing Vickie —without her even being there— for her new choice in boyfriend, shaking her knife about as she spoke. Like it was my fault or something. It was kind of scary, and I wondered what she'd do if it were me that had brought Edward Cullen home and not just her niece.

Of course, Mom thought of Vickie as her own daughter, although she had enough kids herself. She had me and Jake and Emily and her stomach was round with the promise of a new little one to annoy me in a few years time. I'd thought she was done with kids after the surprise with the twins 7 years ago, but guess not.

Mom and Dad hadn't been together since Jake and Emily were a few months old. He'd already had a kid with another woman before he and my mom got hitched; Rose. She was nineteen and a complete rebel. I loved her as much as I loved Vickie. We were like the three amigos despite our huge age differences. Vickie was twenty-one. I was the baby of the group and it was kind of a bummer, but I liked it at the same time. They always fawned over me; dressing me up and doing my hair and makeup.

Vickie was an only child and she just adored the fact that she had the four of us —soon to be five— just around the corner from the home she'd shared with her parents her entire life. Rose and I were the little sisters she'd always wanted.

She was introducing each of us to Edward and I expected him to be a little perturbed by so many new faces, but he was perfectly at ease, all half-grins and reclining back with his longs legs crossed at the ankles as if he'd known us for years.

"—little Jake and Emily," She pointed to the twins and I looked over to where they were playing and chuckled as they didn't even turn to the mention of their names, as engrossed in the game as they were. "And this is our little sis Bella."

My gaze flickered to Edward and he was grinning at me as if he had a secret. Doe eyes blinked and fluttered back at him, caught in the web of his gaze.

Rose threw her arms around my shoulders from over the back of the couch, planting kisses all over my head, " _My_ little sis."

I batted my hands at her face and she laughed at my scrunched up nose and scoffs, "Gross."

"You love it."

And I did. I loved my big family, loved how close and tight-knit we were. We might not have had much, but love was in abundance in our household. Mom even considered Rose one of her own, despite her having a different mother, but Rose's mom wasn't in the picture and she always called Renee her mom.

Rose kissed the top of my head again and squeezed my cheek before plopping down on the other side of me.

I scooted over to give her room and she fingered the strap of my dress. It was new. A present off my dad. A deep crimson red with frills over the chest and hem. Obviously Mom had helped him pick it. There was no way my dad had gone girly shopping all by himself, even if it was christmas.

"This is pretty."

I smiled, "Thanks."

"Did you like the shoes I got you?"

I wiggled my toes in the pretty wedges Rose and Emmett had got me, but more Rose. They were the first pair I'd ever gotten and I felt so grown-up and sophisticated in them.

I grinned toothily up at her, "I love them."

Vickie tapped my leg, "Come outside?"

I followed her out, with Rose, Emmett and Edward in tow.

I teetered in my wedges and watched my feet the entire walk down to the bag of our messy garden. Overgrown grass swayed and tickled my knees and my feet disappeared in its blades. Rose and Vickie linked their arms through mine to steady me and I clutched on tightly, my feet wobbly on the uneven ground.

"Where are we going?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.

Not that they'd ever let me join them before.

I felt giddy with anticipation and fear at being caught as we came to the trees at the end of the garden. From here, I was sure nobody indoors could see us. The garden was pretty long and wild. But, even so, they walked around to the other side of the shed; the side that wasn't facing the house. It was dark and dank, the musty smell of trees and the rotten wood of the shed pungent.

Emmett kicked his foot up behind him as he leaned back against the damp, rickety shed and wrapped his thick arms around Rose's waist, pulling her towards his front. Biting her lip, she leaned back against him, holding onto the arms that still encircled her.

Edward leaned besides me on the old garden table we hadn't used in years and Vickie was besides him, leaning into his side.

I stood off to the side of them, alone and couple-less. A complete anomaly in every way in the strange group we had formed. From the outside, we were polar opposites, but we were all really close; family. And now Edward was joining it.

Emmett rested his chin on Rose's shoulder and swayed her a little from side-to-side, but he was eyeing me with a glint of amusement in his blue, blue eyes, "Mine and Edward's gift to you this year, your _high_ ness."

Emmett whipped a pre-rolled blunt from his pocket and Rose snickered from the crook of his arm. "This, little sis, is a blunt."

"I know what it is," I scoffed. My eyes flickered to Edward's and he was smirking at me. I quickly looked away again.

Rose giggled and Emmett grinned all big at me.

"And this here, is a lighter," Vickie protruded a fluorescent green _Bic_ from her pocket and waved it about a little. I rolled my eyes at their patronising.

The group laughed a little, but Edward didn't. His head was cocked to one side, eyeing my offended stance and pouty lips. When my eyes flitted to his, his lips tugged up at one side in a coy grin.

A small smile tugged at my own lips and his half-grin broke into a full one, teeth and all. My breath stuttered and caught in throat, but he turned his head towards Emmett before he could notice.

I followed his gaze, watching Emmett light the end of the blunt with Rose's hands curved over the top to protect it from the chilly gusts of wind washing over us.

I watched avidly as Emmett took a long puff and then held it to Rose's lips as he blew out a cloud of white, swirling smoke over the top of her head. It circled above him for a few seconds before dissipating into the dark sky as he hummed.

Rose did the same, followed by Vickie and Edward. My heart was pounding by the time it got to me.

It smelled horrible, all strong and wrong.

I took a quick puff. Too quick. I choked and coughed and spluttered, watching through blurry eyes as little tufts of white smoke flew out of my mouth like my very own fluffy clouds. But they weren't what I'd imagined them to be when I was a little girl. All sunshine and rainbows and where you went when you died. It itched and stung and clawed its way back up my wheezy throat.

Edward took it from between my fingers straight away as the others chortled at my coughing fit.

Rose was patting my back. I didn't even realise she'd moved towards me in the haze of smoke and the burning of lungs, but I managed to get myself under control and batted her away again.

"I'm fine," I croaked, but I didn't feel fine. My lungs ached and burned. The burn made me realise how cold I really was and I shivered a little.

"Want my jacket, Milkshake Girl?" Edward chuckled, but it died on his lips all of a sudden. I looked up, wondering if something was wrong with Vickie, but he was staring at me, a frown marring his forehead.

"Me?" I poked my finger in my chest.

He scratched the back of his neck, looking around to the others, but they were too caught up in a conversation to notice.

"You look cold."

I looked down at my little dress and my wedges.

When I looked up, he was looking at them, too.

 _Milkshake Girl?_

Why would he call me that?

I didn't have time to question him though, 'cause he slipped his leather jacket off and draped it over my shoulders, smothering me in his musky scent. It encompassed the scent of weed somewhat and I sniffed it inconspicuously, enjoying it much more than I should've.

"Aww, that's sweet of you to do that for little sis," Vickie said, leaning up to kiss Edward on his cheek. He simpered down at her, throwing his arm over her shoulders and drawing her into his side once more. She grinned like it was her favourite place on Earth and I could imagine it was.

His jacket was second best.

Emmett held the blunt out to me again and Rose smacked his wrist, almost making him drop it. He frowned at her, but she frowned right back, "Emmett, are you _trying_ to kill my little sister?"

He rolled his eyes, "She's a tough kid. It was her first time, give her some credit."

"Yeah," I said, even though I wasn't so sure I wanted to do _that_ again. I held my hand out nonetheless, feeling brave under Vickie's and Edward's scrutiny, like I had to prove a point or something. To show that I belonged here with them. If I didn't, I was afraid they'd shun me from their little expeditions to the tree-line out of the way of the suspicious eyes of our parents and of what I'd miss out on, "Give it here."

Emmett shot Rose a smarmy look and Rose rolled her eyes and huffed a little.

I licked my lips and pressed the thick blunt to them, inhaling a bit —not as much as last time. I held it in my lungs for a second, like the others seemed to do. It burnt a little, but just a little. Not the painful fire that erupted in my chest the last time.

My fingertips were frozen, but my lips burned. A burn that started at the end of a blunt, swept through my body, and ended in the boy — _man_ — next to me. He burned brighter and deeper. The heat from his jacket saturated my skin and sent my heart pounding out the rhythm of his soft chuckles and whispered words behind the cigarette he lit. He preferred them over weed he'd said.

 _Milkshake Girl._

What did he mean when he said that? Sure, sometimes I'd go to the diner and get milkshakes with Alice and Leah, or Rose and Vickie, but Edward hadn't been in our lives for that long. And I was certain that if he'd been at the diner, I would've seen him. You couldn't miss him.

Soon, everyone was shivering and shaking, chattering jaws the only sound around us in the silent night. I took my wedges off to walk back, holding them from two fingers as I tip-toed through the solidified mud from the frost that had developed over it and the tall grass. I squelched my pink-painted toes in the wet dew and Edward watched them for a second, smiling, before we all traipsed back towards the light and warmth of the house.

"What's that smell?" Auntie Angie said as soon as we made our way back into the living room, wiggling her nose as she sniffed the air. I held back my giggle and Emmett nudged my shoulder with his from besides me.

I pursed my lips and took my seat, hoping the perfume Rose spritzed on me before we came in hid the foul smell of weed and corruption.

My eyes kept cutting to Edward without ever really meaning to throughout the remainder of the evening. He was just so handsome. I'd never seen someone as cute as he was. Rugged and rough around the edges. He wasn't like any of the boys in my school. Not like anyone I'd ever seen really. Vickie seemed to agree as she'd moved from my feet to sit next to him on the couch. She wouldn't stop touching him. Fiddling with his hair, squeezing his thigh, stroking his arm. You could see she was enamoured with him and a pang of longing pinched my chest.

It always made me kind of down that I was the odd one out of the group. Rose had Emmett, Alice had Jasper and now Vickie had Edward, and she'd had James before him. I was as single as the day I was born. It was kind of depressing.

But things changed halfway through my fifteenth year on this Earth. It came in the form of my new classmate; Riley Biers.

He was kind of cute, boyish and chubby cheeked. Perfect first boyfriend. Within a few weeks we were dating, and then he was my boyfriend and before long I lost my virginity to him. It wasn't as I'd always imagined it to be. It was kind of gross and over way too quickly, but I liked having someone to do all the cutesy romance stuff with.

It made me feel better about having a crush on my cousins boyfriend.

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 **A/N- This started out as a one-shot, so of course I managed to write too much, get too attached and want to take it further. So, here we are. Chapter's will be short and sweet (I think).**

 **For those of you who may be concerned with Bella's age at this point, don't worry, I fully DON'T intend to have her and Edward just get it on! Just because Bella has a crush on him doesn't mean he has one on her. He has Victoria. It will be a slow burn and a few years before we get to that part, so please don't come for me! LOL**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Urge Overkill.**

 **Enjoy!**


	2. 2: The White Swan

**Chapter 2: The White Swan**

I was in cellar of the bar my dad owned.

It was dark and damp and dirty. It smelt of ale, but I was used to it.

I'd been working there all summer, helping my dad out. Vickie and Rose started working there a few months ago. They'd come back after a long day at the bar, giggling and gossiping like two old biddies about the patrons that frequented it. Especially Mrs Cope with all her jewellery and her flat cap and her stories that nobody ever really knew if they actually happened or not. Much less Mrs Cope herself.

When we were little, we used to joke that she had a piece of jewellery for each year she'd been alive for, and soon you wouldn't know if she had fingers beneath the rubies and emeralds and amethysts. She'd twist and fiddle with them for hours, drinking away her sorrows of the husband she'd lost in the war that we'd never met —obviously— but she'd never go near another man in the bar. She'd sit in the corner on her own in a worn booth, and if you went over to ask if she needed anything, she'd usher you to sit with her for hours on end until you were blinded with flashing bling and smelled faintly of cat piss and cigars. But her breath was always minty fresh from the tub of spearmints she carried in her enormous handbag, threadbare and older than me.

When my dad would make me wait at the bar with him until closing time as a kid, I hated it, hated the smell of beer and the hazy smoke that clouded your vision. I hated playing up the sweet act in front of the patrons as they drunkly squeezed my cheeks and slapped a few dollars in my palm, or, in Mrs Cope's case, a handful of mints. But, I wanted nothing more than to work there with Rose and Vickie that summer. I'd felt left out, so I'd begged my dad if I could help out a little. I didn't mind if he didn't pay me, I just wanted to help out. He'd reluctantly agreed, although I was way too young to actually do it for real. He even gave me a little money each week for doing it, which was an unforeseen bonus. Luckily, Forks was a small town and the residents there didn't bat an eyelid at a sixteen year old working behind a bar. They didn't really care much that I was years too young to work there; I was just a kid helping out in her fathers bar, no biggie.

It wasn't as glamorous as I'd thought it would be. I thought we would hang out the back and sneakily smoke and gossip all day, but there was really no time for that. _The White Swan_ was filled with old locals morning till night. It was full of drunken old men with smelly beer breath and greying beards and wandering hands. It was kind of disgusting, but we held our own.

Mrs Cope was still there, more jewellery than ever before, her wispy grey and white hair flattened beneath a hat. She didn't take her big, sheep-skin coat off once and I would be sweating in just jeans and a t-shirt. I didn't know how she managed the heat.

It was grimy work; cleaning and pouring and cleaning some more.

Dad was just proud that I was finally doing something with my time instead of spending it with _that boy,_ as he'd so kindly dubbed Riley _._ He hated him, although I couldn't really understand why. He was nice enough, but ever since Dad had almost caught us in the act a few weeks ago, he suddenly couldn't stand him. I didn't blame him really. Riley was pretty much always horny, and it was kind of annoying since he couldn't reciprocate for me. It wasn't without trying on his part, but my body just didn't cooperate. It was so frustrating.

He was too clumsy and quick and heavy handed and long grunts as he moved above me.

Well, Dad would be ecstatic over the news I had. I snivelled again and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

"Bella?"

My head shot up, startled at being caught sobbing in the corner of the cellar. I threw my hand over my eyes at the intrusion of warm, yellow light pouring in through the opened hatchway as a body limbered down.

I looked down, trying to block the light. The rest of my body was still cast in darkness. The bricks around my head were cast in the small halo of light, my face in the middle and I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. A small, crying girl in a halo of glowing warmth that the hatchway provided, the reflection of light making her tears look like fire trickling down her cheeks.

I ducked my head away from it, bringing my knees to my chest and ducking my head into them.

The pull of a string and a quiet curse cracked the silence.

I peeked through my fingers. It was still dark and dingy, the overhead light humming, but only the faintest of light emanated from the long beam. I could barely make out the silhouette of the person before me, tall and looming. But I'd know that voice anywhere.

Of all the people to catch me in this state, it _had_ to be Edward.

I was suddenly glad for the lack of light and the damp cold seeping from the stone floor into my jeans, cooling my suddenly clammy, prickling skin.

Blinking and squinting, I tried to see anything but his bright green eyes and the white of his teeth. The light pouring through the hatchway behind him cast him in a pearly glow, making him look ethereal. It made his hair look like the stretching limbs of an octopus and the ink on his arms to darken and deepen until it looked like his arms were black, fading into his surroundings. The small slashes of pale skin between patterns and swirls the only thing that hinted otherwise. The piercing in his eyebrow glowed like a beacon, only second best to the vortex of his eyes.

"You okay?" He asked, though I didn't see his mouth move. He looked a little uncomfortable, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets as he edged towards me slowly. As if he was teetering on the precipice of something that I couldn't see. There was a deep furrow between his thick brows as they mashed together, staining his forehead with puckered skin to match the hard set of his lips as he scowled at me in something close to concern and anger.

He took a tentative step towards me, a slanting ray of light slashing across his face from the slither of light creeping through the crack of the door to the left of me, further illuminating his scorching green eyes and long, feathery lashes.

My eyes finally adjusted to the barely-there light and I blinked back tears to get a better view.

Dressed casually in dark jeans and a thin white t-shirt, he looked positively devilish. His hair was long-overdue a cut, tousled and as wild. It reminded me of the long blades of grass that had increasingly encroached over our back-garden over the years. He was just as untamed, yet strikingly beautiful.

I thought about the blue-bells and dandelions and daises that grew through the tall grass and twisting vines of ivy and weeds in that wild expanse of garden. The shallow stream beyond the trees, soft and trickling, water lilies sprouting at the waters edge. I imagined them to be the tattoos that swirled and laced up and over his arms, twisting round with reaching limbs like the blooms and weeds of the garden, rooted deep in his skin.

"I'm fine," I said, quickly standing up and dusting my hands down my jeans. It didn't matter that they were dirty anyway. They were hand-me-downs from Rose, old and worn, but they fit snugly.

The dim overhead light flickered, casting eerie shadows along the brick walls, before fizzling out again. I'd have to tell my dad about that.

"You don't look it," He observed with a raised eyebrow, the little silver ball raising with it. There were still little lines ingrained in the skin of his forehead and I watched a second too long as they slowly disappeared.

God, he was gorgeous. Everything about him hummed and sung to me. The chiseled jaw that just wanted to be licked, the scratchy scruff of his five o'clock shadow rough under my pink tongue. The fleshy bit of skin at the side of his neck, a tattoo end curling over it slightly. I wanted to bite it, to feel his pulse reverberate through my bones. I wanted his long fingers touching me everywhere. I wanted to see all of those tattoos that mapped his body, wanted to feel them for myself. I wondered where they ended or if they ever did.

I licked my lips at the thought, images of ink _everywhere._

His eyes seemed to zone in on the movement and they suddenly got all intense. I shivered at the look he was giving me.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked, trying to make him stop looking at me the way that he was. I wiped away errant tears with the back of my hands and any mascara smudges under my eyes. I was sure I looked like a racoon, almost as wild as Edward himself.

He blinked slowly, "I came to pick Vickie up, she here?"

"Uh, she left, like, an hour ago or something. Its pretty slow today, so dad sent her home."

He nodded, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, "Oh."

"Yeah."

Awkwardness descended over us, like a thick suffocating blanket, and my cheeks reddened at the ensuing silence.

"You wanna grab a milkshake or something?" He asked and my eyes flickered up to his. He was blushing from his neck to the tips of his ears. "I was gonna take Vic, but I guess we could go. I mean, you look like you could use some cheering up."

"Okay," I said slowly, and it didn't feel a thing like falling.


	3. 3: Life Lines

**Chapter 3: Life Lines**

I was sitting next to him in his car. I'd never been in his car before.

It was all plush cream seats, sparkling silver frames and a light, iridescent blue.

He looked cool driving it, all calm and collected, one hand holding the thin, wooden steering wheel whilst the other rested between us on the seat, palm-up.

He had the top down and he'd given me a scarf that I knew was Vickie's to wrap around my head and the dark glasses he always wore when the sun was out. I felt like timeless grace and elegance, polished and clean next to his ruggedly handsome form. The starkest difference.

A tendril of blonde hair flew out of the confines of the cream, silk scarf, fluttering wildly in the wind. He chuckled as I attempted to catch it —like a butterfly— and tuck it safely into the scarf curling over my forehead and down the back of my neck, rippling gently.

"Did you get your hair done?" He asked, watching the loose tendril with sparkling eyes.

I fingered it aimlessly and tucked it behind my ear again, fixing the scarf back into place.

"I got highlights last week," I replied, my voice carrying in the wind like the billowing scarf. Rose had convinced me to do it when she'd gone to get her hair done. When I was brushed and washed and blow-dried to within an inch of my life, she'd said that my hair was like the blend of the milk and white chocolate bar she was eating.

"Its like the sunshine," I think he said, and his eyes were trained on the sun on the other side of the fly mottled window-screen, sinking lower in the blue, cloudless sky.

I was watching him out of the corner of my eye, my hands fiddling in my lap as he looked ahead. I couldn't stop staring at him.

I'd never really hung out with him before. I mean, he was twenty-nine now and Vickie and him would usually hang out alone together. They didn't need little old me interfering in their 'alone time'. I shuddered at the thought. Sure, he'd been there for family gatherings and special occasions, but that was the extent of our contact really. It was probably for the best. But despite the limited times I got to see him, I couldn't shake him. He was just so aloof and intriguing. I'd never seen another man who had remotely the same effect on me as he did and I'd only spent a handful of hours with him over the years. He was just _that_ gorgeous.

The amber rays of the sun made his skin glow and radiate, like when you held a buttercup under your chin to see if you liked butter or not and it turned your skin a soft golden yellow. I felt like butter next to his heat, and if he touched me, I was sure I would melt just the same. Soft and pliant between his finger and thumb.

We pulled up to the only diner in town, gliding his sleek car smoothly into a vacant bay. I tucked the pearly scarf and tinted glasses back into the glove compartment and patted my hair back into place in the visor.

He waited patiently outside of the car, his hands stuffed in his pockets again. I grabbed my purse from the floor, tucked neatly between my feet, and climbed out. He didn't bother locking the car. Probably because he knew nobody would dare touch it.

I was walking in front of him, a dwarf in comparison to his tall stature. I swiped at my ass, self-conscious that dirt from the floor of the cellar might still be there. Or maybe the damp looked like I'd pissed myself.

His long, quick strides surpassed me as we neared the entrance to the diner, all glass and red and white stripes. A neon sign blinked overhead. He held the door open, gesturing for me to go inside with a gentle smile. A deep red flush spread across his cheeks and bloomed across his ears again —almost as red as the sign outside claiming 'THE BEST MILKSHAKES IN TOWN'.

He seemed to purposefully avert his gaze from me as we waited at the podium to be seated. I frowned, a little hurt. Sure, I was only sixteen, but was it so bad to be seen in public with me?

"Table for two, please," He told the waitress and she smiled all demurely at him as she found us a table. Something akin to anger bubbled up from deep inside me at the way she was looking at him and I curled and unfurled my hands on the table, trying to restrain myself from slapping the stupid, flirty grin off her face. All for the sake of Vickie, of course.

She found us a booth in the back, looking out over the lake that I'd spent many summers wading through and learning how to swim with my father and Rose, my mother sitting in the shorn grass besides the rivers edge.

The waitress produced two menus with a flourish, her hand brushing Edward's with complete intention, but he waved them away. My nails dug into my palms, leaving little crescent bruises embedded in the branching creases in my skin.

Grandma Swan used to always say that the lines running across the palm of your hand were something to do with life lines. I stared at the place were my life line jutted from the centre of my wrist to in-between my thumb and forefinger, previously unimpeded. The little indentations from my nails created little branches, flitting both upwards and downwards like tiny half-moons. Grandma used to also say that the branches going upwards were signs of positivity and joy in life, and those going downwards suggested negativity and something bad to come. I stared at them new down-facing ones that my nails had inflicted, wondering if it were mere coincidence or foreshadowing of things to come.

I shook my head to dispel my train of thought. Grandma Swan was sweet, but completely bizarre and theatrical. Her foray into palm-reading had been years ago, but she'd used me as her little test-subject and maybe she'd rubbed off on me more than I'd thought. I needed to stop overanalysing because Edward was looking at my funny as I stared at my palms like they held the answer to life or something.

"What can I get you?" The girl tittered, smiling all coyly at Edward. My face must've morphed into something unpleasant because Edwards eyes flitted quickly from my face when he saw my expression, blanching at what he saw there. I tried to smooth it out, to remain impassive, and slowly spread my fingers wide on the tabletop, icy cool beneath my warm fingers. "I'll have a chocolate milkshake, please, and Isabella here will have…?"

"Strawberry," I said, purposely missing off the 'please'. She frowned at my harsh tone of voice and gave us one last smile and a wink before twirling away.

We didn't speak until our drinks arrived. It was so tense and I didn't know why. I picked apart a napkin out of the dispenser and shredded it into tiny little pieces as I plundered over why he'd invited me if he was just going to sit there in brooding silence.

I wrapped my lips around the straw as soon as the pink, sugary goodness arrived and took a small gulp, groaning at how good it tasted. I licked my lips and dipped my finger in the cream on top, swirling it a little before sucking it off my finger with a pop. When I looked up, Edward was staring at me open-mouthed.

"What?" I asked, blushing at his expression. I squirmed a little in my seat and Edward shook his head, leaning back into his own seat. I hadn't realised how close he'd been leaning over the table towards me.

"Nothing." He answered quickly, breathing a laugh and shaking his head a little. He leaned back in the booth further until he was almost slouching, twirling his straw in his milkshake lazily.

I laughed aloud at the scene without really meaning to and his eyes flickered up to mine from beneath long lashes. He raised his pierced eyebrow, "What's so funny?"

I gestured towards him with a wave of my hand as if that summed it up, "Nothing, you just don't seem the milkshake type."

He lipped his lips before sucking his bottom one into his mouth, trying to hide his signature lopsided smirk, but I could see it shining through, "What type do I seem?"

I shrugged, "I don't know," But he wouldn't take that as an answer, so I thought about it for a minute, taking another sip of my milkshake. I ate the cherry before I replied, "Like you're too cool for it or something."

He let out a loud guffaw, "Too cool? Milkshakes are plenty cool."

"Duh, but you just seem…" I leaned forward into the table, resting my arms on it, trying again, "So, milkshakes are like these cutesy sugar rainbows and you're like this cool guy with tattoos and piercings and stuff."

The blush that stained my cheeks made him chuckle and he leaned closer until only the space of two milkshakes separated us, "I think you're pretty cool yourself, _Isabella_."

The way he said my name sent shivers down my spine.

I hated it when anybody called me Isabella, but he made it sound so sexy and desirable and I liked it way more than I should've.

He suddenly cleared his throat, quickly sitting back into a more inconspicuous position, "So, why were you so upset down in the basement earlier?"

I twirled my stripy straw in my milkshake. I didn't want to look him in the eye when he realised how much of a little girl I was, "Riley and I had a fight."

"Riley? Your boyfriend, right?"

"Yeah."

"Did he hurt you?" I looked up at the edge of concern in his voice.

I shook my head.

"Then what?" He persisted, waving his hand in front of him for me to continue.

I sighed and dropped the straw into the shake, folding my hands under my ass until I was sitting on them. "Nothing really, it's just the same old stupid shit."

He blanched at my expletive, not having ever heard me say anything so vulgar in his presence before, "Same old?" He repeated back at me and I realised my mistake, "Do you fight a lot?"

I mulled it over, thinking of all the silly tiffs we'd had over the past few months. Some big, some small, all chiselling away at the resolve I had to stick it out with him.

Sure, Riley was sweet and kind and sometimes overly attached. He clung to me in the school hallways like he was showing off a prized jewel or something, a clammy hand wrapped around my waist as he paraded me around. A pretty thing that his friends clucked their tongues and hooted at. It made me uncomfortable, but special in a way. Like he was proud to call me his.

When I didn't nod my head in affirmation or shake it in decline, he took my hesitation as an affirmative, "Why?"

I shrugged, taking another slow slip. I didn't want to talk about Riley, "He just gets mad at me sometimes."

He quirked that eyebrow, saying with that barbell and those eyes what he didn't say with words.

The blush was in full bloom on my cheeks now. I wanted to press the cold glass of the milkshake against my cheek, to let the icy droplets satiate the fire that loomed behind them, but he'd probably think I was crazy.

Instead, I gulped down the strawberry deliciousness and let the crystal sugar roll on my tongue for a second, "Different things."

"What was it this time?" He urged me, sighing at my short replies. He curled his hand around the milkshake glass, the tattoo of an eye staring, unblinking at me, a lone fat tear trickling down from the side of the eye, another caught in the inner corner, permanently waiting to fall. It took up his entire hand and he had writing across the back of his fingers, but I couldn't make out what it said from his position.

"I didn't sit with him at lunch," Blurted and quick, wanting the childish words to go as quick as they came. He already thought of me of a little girl — _little sis_ — and I didn't want him to think of me like that. I wanted to be his equal —him and the rest of our gang— not the little sister they all thought of me as. The words hung between us, like a string of incriminating photos, showing how young I really was. "He sits with all his friends on the football team and I don't like the way they look at me or how they talk."

"What do they look at you like?"

"Like they want to eat me or something," I mumbled and his Adam's apple bobbed deep in his throat, a tattoo licking at it enticingly, "So I sat with my friends."

"Alice and Leah?" He guessed and I nodded uncertainly, dumbfounded that he'd bothered to remember that.

"And he didn't like that," It wasn't a question.

I shook my head a little and he sighed, taking a last slurp of chocolate goodness. He seemed shocked that he'd finished his shake so quickly, "That was delicious."

I giggled around my own straw, "Strawberry's better."

He smiled like he was remembering something as I watched the line of pink in my glass slowly lower with each sip. I stirred it, mixing in the little cream left.

"No way, chocolate wins everyday of the week." He grinned and I could tell he was teasing me.

I rolled my eyes and tucked my hair behind my ear, "I don't think so. Strawberry's so much better. It's so sweet."

He grinned softly, looking up at me from beneath his ebony lashes, "I'd have to agree with you on that."

His phone buzzed on the table and he held up a finger to stop me from replying. He answered it quickly, frowning when he saw the name like he'd forgotten who they were, "Hey, Vic."

And, like that, our little bubble popped.

* * *

 **A/N: I see you lurkers and I raise you a new chapter. I think your next move should be to review. *bats eyes***


	4. 4: A Princess Fit For a Crown

**Chapter 4: A Princess Fit For a Crown**

Alice was plucking blades of grass between nimble fingers and throwing them at my legs, coating my bare skin in criss-crosses of green and yellow from the unwavering sun. There was a heatwave, Mom had said, and it came out of nowhere, unforgiving as it turned my pale skin a pinky hue. The drought had lead to the school field turning yellow in some places, dry from the heat.

Kate had said we could have cheer practice outside that week and we'd been humming with excitement ever since, the smell of freshly cut grass and dry mud lingering in the air and turning us all into crazy outdoor-junkies.

I had strap marks across my shoulders and above my belly button from being out in it all day, the sun leaving patterns all over my skin. Stripes of pale pink and smatterings of freckles and thick bands of warm tan. I had a pale birthmark shaped exactly like a heart right in the centre of my spine between my shoulder blades, so pale that you could only ever see it when my skin was kissed with sunlight. The little dainty heart was making a reappearance with the sun. Mom always joked that I had two hearts and that's why I was so loving and equally loveable. When I'd laugh her off, she'd lift my shirt and press her ear right up against it and say, 'Shh, I can hear all that blood pumping around in there' and she'd press her fingertips against it like she meant it, like she could feel it thumping away beneath her hand.

The sun was up bright and early and remained there even when it was supposed to be dark out. Grandma Swan said I was going to get skin cancer if I didn't slather myself in suncream, but she was just being cynical and I wanted a tan so badly, like Leah with her russet skin. She had a tan all year long, even when it was below freezing and the sun didn't make an appearance for weeks on end, and with the sun out, it was getting an even deeper shade.

Alice had the same plan and she'd lifted her skirt up as high as was acceptable and straightened her legs out across the grass. She threw another handful of grass across my knobbly knees and I took another long swig out of my water-bottle, squirting a little on my face to cool down.

It was stifling, suffocating, but blissfully beautiful. I swiped a few blades off my legs, but she just threw some more on them, so I gave up in the end and turned my face up towards the sun, leaning back on my hands.

Something plopped on my head after a while followed by a small giggle and when I tipped my head back, Alice was standing over me. I touched a tentative finger to my head and felt something soft and spongy beneath my fingers.

"What are you doing?" I accused, feelings the halo wrapped around my whole head.

Alice wiggled her wrist at me, brandishing a circlet made of daises wrapped delicately around her wrist. Besides her, Leah had a necklace of the same around her neck, long and droopy.

"A crown fit for a princess," Leah joked.

"A princess fit for a crown," Alice grinned and straightened the daisy-chain tiara on my head. I grinned at her and shook my head. She could be so childish sometimes, but it only made me love her even more.

She could be a bit of a bi-polar, raving bitch-lunatic one minute and the sweetest little thing you'd ever seen the next.

The pair sunk sinuously to the floor on either side of me, just as Kate came over, clearing her throat to get the groups attention. She'd been off to the right of us with Brady, trying to teach him a move he wasn't quite getting. Apparently, he was getting it now and his lips turned up a little at the corners in an impish grin as he raked his hand through his jet black hair, his grey eyes warm despite their hue.

He was the nicest kid I knew. He was also my partner.

I grinned back at him easily from beneath my crown, giving him two thumbs up in enthusiasm. I felt warm with pride and too much sunshine.

His eyes dipped back to the floor where he stood off to the side of Kate, our cheer captain.

"Alright guys," She called out, punctuating her words with a clap of her hands, "That's it for today. You did great. I know it's hot, but we've got to practice so we can kick-ass at the game next week and show up La Push." Everybody huffs and sighs in agreement and fatigue. "I'll see you all next week."

A sea of short blue shells, even shorter blue skirts and red ribbons dispersed, interspersed with blue shorts and matching tee's with 'SPARTANS' emblazoned across the front in white and red plaques of thick cotton.

Most of us hung outside the exit doors at the back of the school building after practice, chatting and laughing and smoking like we didn't have a care in the world.

Alice, Leah and I still adorned in our daisy-link-chains. Irina fingered my crown and commented on how pretty it was.

"Fuck off, Irina," Alice scoffed. She hated Irina.

It was well known around school that before her and Jasper had gotten together, Irina and him had had a thing. It was at Alice's birthday party to make matters worse. And a few parties after that.

You could tell it still bothered Alice. She'd go tense and her lips would straighten into a thin line like she was holding herself back from pouncing on her and ripping her pretty strawberry blonde hair out.

Irina frowned like Alice had hurt her feelings, but I knew she was used to Alice's harshness.

"Thanks, Irina," I said kindly, shrugging like I was sorry for Alice.

"You coming to Felix's this weekend?" Irina asked before bursting into a coughing fit. I smacked Alice's arm inconspicuously and shot her a death glare. She'd blown a cloud of smoke right into Irina's face.

I liked Irina. She was pretty and kind and she didn't smoke, just like me —not always, at least. We were sort of the same, me and her.

"Whose Felix?" I asked, waving the clouds of smoke away with a careful hand.

She huffed like she was offended or something and opened her little mouth to reply, but Alice beat her to it, "Felix is like the only good fucking thing this town has going for it."

I frowned because I loved Forks. It was small and everybody there was born there mostly. It had the lake for swimming in the scorching summer and in the winter it iced over so you could maybe skate if it was safe enough, or go sledging if you were too chicken. The cliffs overlooked the town, so high and like a whole other world. From up there, everything was magical. The tinny streetlights looked like stars just right over that cliff-face and the cars were like scurrying ants. From way up there, you felt invincible, like you owned the world and nothing would stop you. And then there was the beach down on the Rez, stony shores and rolling waves and shells pressed to your ears that sung songs of faraway lands and unseen wonders on the seabed floor. It was better than any music I'd ever heard. It was different to the peaceful serenity of the lake; tumultuous and sporadic, but beautiful nonetheless. My family wasn't just my mom and my dad and my siblings, it was the whole town. Mrs Cope, Emmett, Alice, Leah and maybe even Edward.

Irina blinked at Alice like she was shocked by her language, but that was the way she was. Wish-washy and too cool for school —for this town apparently. A pang of worry was injection into my veins, icy and painful, and I was afraid that she'd leave me. I reached for her hand blindly and clung to it. She squeezed mine back in something close to reassurance, but I couldn't be sure because I was still looking at Irina.

"Anyway, he's throwing a party this weekend. You should come."

"Who said you could invite anyone? You aren't his fucking girlfriend, are you?" Alice retorted.

Irina blanched, physically flinching, before her face morphed into a hard mask, a scowl encompassing her delicate features. Her cheeks were on fire and I wondered if maybe Alice was right. "Fuck off, Alice."

I froze and squeezed Alice's hand harder, willing her not to launch herself at Irina.

I'd never heard Irina fight back before. She'd always been quiet and soft-spoken, never one for conflict. She was usually complacent whenever Alice had a dig at her. She'd just let her say whatever and ignore it altogether. But Alice had obviously prodded her with a stick one too many times.

Alice was as stock still as I was and I was thankful when Leah saddled up next to Alice, sliding her arm through hers until they were as linked as the daisy-chains.

She pounced quickly, her teeth bared, her hands reaching out like claws and she was screaming at the top of her little lungs. For such a small thing, she was pretty hard to get a handle on. Brady and Mike came out of nowhere, grabbing both of the arms Leah and I were barely managing to hold onto, and pulled her backwards.

"Get the fuck off of me!" She was screaming like a banshee, kicking her legs, angry tears brimming in her eyes.

She was like a self-destructive fairy.

* * *

Like the sun, I had no curfew in the summer. So, —after Leah and I both managed to ply Alice away, apologising to Irina for the gazillionth time in the last year or so— we all went to the beach down at La Push.

Leah was the only one out of the three of us who was lucky enough to have her own car —a luridly bright red pickup truck with a spacey cargo bed and a wonky fender from a couple of hits the thing had taken. It was sturdy, which was exactly what Leah needed, and whoever the unlucky passenger was. She wasn't exactly the best driver.

The seatbelt dug into my chest as she slammed to a halt, just about stopping in time to miss the wooden post cemented at the front of the bay looking over the stoney beach and churning sea.

"Sorry," Leah blushed and Alice and I both giggled at her, waiting for the excuse that was sure to come, "My shoes are wet from the grass and they slipped off the brake."

Alice guffawed besides me, "It hasn't rained in two weeks."

Leah huffed and climbed out of the cab, slamming the door behind her. Alice and I hurried out to follow her as she stalked around to the back of the truck and yanked her shoes off. We always went barefoot at the beach.

I liked the feel of the soft, wet sand beneath my feet and the water wading by my ankles.

Alice and I followed her lead, chucking our shoes over into the bed of the truck. I tucked my pink and orange anklet with the sparkling diamonds safely into my shoes before we took off running for the beach.

Salty wind whipped my hair about and I inhaled the rich scent, smiling despite myself. The beach and the lake were my favourite places on earth. Not that I'd seen much of it. The furthest I'd gone out of Forks was Seattle whilst Christmas shopping with my mom, but I didn't like the noise and constant bustle. It was too fast-paced and thriving for me. I liked the slow and steady, the tranquility of a quiet, whistling lake and the raging waves of the sea. I liked sea-salt hair and finding sand everywhere. Hair, bed, clothes, panties. Annoying, but endearing nonetheless. It was home.

Mom was making a mural of shells spelling baby Maggie's —the new addition to the Swan family, and too cute to annoy me just yet— name on her bedroom wall, so the three of us combed the sand for them. We sat with low waves licking at our feet, just nearly out of reach, with our legs spread wide as we pushed and pulled wet sand, seaweed tangling around our wrists like chains. Shackling us to this shore, this town, this life.

We filled our skirts with a thousand whispering seashells and deposited them on the floor of Leah's truck, trekking back and forth for few hours, littering her floor in a kaleidoscope of creams and beige's and greys.

I found a crab and took a picture, saving it to show Jake and Emily later. They'd be so jealous that they weren't there to pick and prod at the poor thing.

Alice had shrieked and launched herself away from the nipping claws as I held it up by the shell the way my dad had taught me to do. Leah laughed and nudged her, "Not so hard now, are ya?"

Alice rolled her eyes, but she smiled easily at her with pearly white teeth.

We scaled the rocks and 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at the starfish and colonies of fish in the rock pools, until it was too dark to see them anymore.

We traipsed back to the truck, sand-worn and sea-salt high.

"Milkshake?" Leah waggled her brows, knowing it was my kryptonite. We agreed readily, hopping into the truck with wrinkled feet and sand in-between our toes.

When we pulled up at the diner, Alice and I grabbed our shoes and my anklet, sliding them on quickly before all but racing inside. I was hungry, but I knew Mom would be mad if I ate out when she had food waiting for me at home.

Alice and Leah didn't hold back though —burgers, fries, mozzarella sticks and jumbo milkshakes. They were so alike it was uncanny. They had appetites to rival Emmett's, but you would never think it. Mom was always jealous of our fast metabolisms and our ability to eat anything without putting on a pound, but I was sure we wouldn't stop eating even if it wasn't so fast.

"Strawberry to go?" Tina said from behind the counter and I nodded with a small grin. She knew me too well.

"$3.85," She said over the murmur of voices around us.

I rummaged through my bag, trying to find my purse, but it wasn't there.

"I think I've left my purse at the beach," I murmured glumly, but a hand with a familiar tear-filled eye emblazoned across it slammed a five dollar bill onto the countertop.

"We need to stop meeting like this."

I turned towards Edward, stunned. I couldn't close my mouth long enough to form words.

He smiled and shrugged and Vickie materialised under his arm, "Hey, little sis."

"Uh, hi," I mumbled lamely.

"Forgot your purse?" She said, eyeing Edward's wallet in his hands.

I nodded a little, "Think I left it at the beach."

"I was wondering why you had sand on your ass," She laughed. My gaze flickered to Edwards, but he was getting the change from Tina. He was thanking her, but from the grin he was fighting off his lips it looked like he was listening to our conversation.

I tried twisting around to see if she was lying, but sure enough my ass was coated in fine grains of sand. Alice helped to dust it off and when I turned around, Edward was holding a strawberry milkshake out to me in a to-go cup.

"Thanks," I smiled and he nodded his head, his cheeks sucked in like he was holding back a smirk.

"No problem, Milkshake Girl."

It was the second milkshake he'd bought me in what was to be a line of many.

* * *

 **A/N- I was going to update last night, but I was at the ten year anniversary showing of Twilight. How has it been ten years?!**

 **I love you guys like strawberry milkshakes.**


	5. 5: Moonlight Drive

**Chapter 5: Moonlight Drive**

Riley's arm was wrapped loosely around my waist, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into the exposed skin just above my hip.

He was chatting lazily to the guys, his eyes droopy, his voice all funny. He felt fuzzy under the hand I had splayed over his stomach. Maybe that was just me. Maybe it was the music.

It was shaking me, reverberating through me, making my skin tingle.

I leaned into him, enjoying his warmth and the smell of the cologne I'd bought him. Heady and fresh. He smelled like comfort and familiarity.

My skin hummed and tingled with the effects of the drink Alice had handed me in a sticky red cup, and if I turned my head too quick, my vision swayed and blurred.

Riley planted his lips on my sun-kissed shoulder, leaving the glistening outline of his puckered lips behind. He grinned up at me with baby blue eyes and starfish lashes as I giggled back at him, high-strung and tickling all over.

We were sitting in a faded brown couch in the basement of Felix's place. When you sat on it, it was so low down, it felt like you were sitting on the floor. My knees were almost touching my chin and Riley had his legs splayed right open and wide to hinder his gangly legs from meeting his own face.

Across from us, Sam and James were sitting in much the same position as Riley, a mirror image of him.

Vickie would be pissed if she knew I was hanging out with James, but what she didn't know couldn't hurt her. Besides, I wasn't _really_ hanging out with him and I couldn't control who my boyfriend decided to hang out with, as much as I wanted to at times.

Boys were stupid.

But James was on another level.

"How's that cousin of yours?" James waggled his blonde eyebrows —as if to emphasise my point— that were lighter than his tanned face and elbowed Sam in the ribs.

I didn't really know why Riley hung out with him. He was twenty-something and a complete lowlife.

Sam was okay. He could be quiet, but I kind of liked that about him. He was our age, too, which was a bonus in my books. He ignored James' jibes and took a swig of his beer.

"Great," I spoke flatly and James grinned all big like he was the reason, "her and _Edward_ are really great."

I couldn't help the smarmy smirk that was threatening to break out on my lips.

I hated James more than anyone. He was stuck-up and cocky and I never really understood why Victoria got with him in the first place. I guess I could see he was sort of handsome, but he was rude and insincere. He was a liar and a player and dirty to the core.

Vickie was much too good for him, yet he always seemed to know how to reel her back in again. It was frustrating to no end, but her and Edward _were_ strong. I hadn't just said it to get a rise out of him. It was true. They'd been together for over two years.

It was no secret that they'd broken up more than a handful of times, but Vickie was passionate and over-the-top. They'd broken up and gotten back together more times than I cared to remember, but that was just that; they _always_ got back together.

So far.

I pressed myself more firmly into Riley's side when I caught James' grin fall. Riley tensed at my side and the look that James shot me had my skin crawling. Head lowered forward, eyes like venom, teeth bared like he was ready to pounce.

Riley's fingers dug painfully into my side and I flinched away a little, "Cut it out James. We all know she'd never go for you again anyway."

James' nostrils flared and he stood up, looming over us so low on the floor for a second, before he stalked off, kicking over a side-table of drinks on his way out. The clatter was overridden by the music coming from the sound system on the other side of the room.

I moved to get up, but Riley's hand held me back, long splayed fingers bruising my hip.

"Where are you going?," He asked quietly, lips brushing the shell of my ear.

"I should probably clean the mess up before somebody gets hurt," I replied, and it was a stupid idea because I could barely see straight. But it was like I had tunnel-vision or something 'cause all I could see was all that glass and somebody slipping in it.

Riley's fingers released their tight grip on my hip and I slid languidly off the couch. Riley slapped my ass as I walked away and hollers and hoots went up around me. My cheeks flamed and my ass stung. He could be like that sometimes. Especially when he was drinking or in front of his boys. Boozy boisterous and gloating.

I shot him my fiercest glare, a silent promise that we'd talk about his little stunt later, but he was either too glazed-eyes drunk to see me or he didn't care.

I huffed my way to the mess, pulling my yellow sundress lower as I dipped down to sweep the shards into a neat pile. I righted the oak side-table and put the lampshade on top. The ceramic bowl that had been storing potpourri was smashed in a haphazard mess, tiny shards glistening at me under the bright light.

Through the throngs of people, I saw Alice was making out with Jasper in the corner, but Leah saw me looking around and came to my aid. She ran upstairs and grabbed a grocery bag, but she couldn't find a dustpan and brush.

"That's okay," I said and I carefully started picking up the pointy shards, being extra-specially careful. She held the bag open as I started dumping them inside.

"Be careful," She warned, but as soon as she said it somebody stumbled into her, knocking her forwards into me. I fell, hands first, into the broken pieces and let out a small shriek.

"Oh my god, Bella!" She exclaimed, pulling herself off of me. She grabbed my hands that were still pressed heavily over the pile and examined them carefully. Blood smeared my hands, dripped down my fingers and all over that pretty dress. Tears gathered in my eyes, but it wasn't 'cause it hurt. I couldn't feel anything past the alcohol induced daze I was in, only the churning of my stomach at the sight of the sticky red blood that coated my hands and trickled down my wrists.

"Stay here," She said, grabbing my face in her hands. I blinked back at her, dazed and fuzzy, "I'm gonna go grab my bag and I'll drive you to the hospital."

"Drive?" I echoed, "You've been drinking."

"Shit," She whispered, "Shit, shit, shit."

Felix was besides me then, grabbing at my wrists.

"Let's take her upstairs."

Leah obliged, grabbing me from under my arms and yanking me up like I weighed nothing. The pair held each of my arms, my hands extended before me, as they helped me up the narrow staircase to the ground floor. I felt sluggish, as if all my blood was draining from me and my body was trying to stay afloat, but it was probably just the alcohol.

Felix hoisted me onto the messy kitchen countertop, almost as outdated as mine. Maybe more.

"Go get that boyfriend of her's," He mumbled and he was all hands and muttered curses as he pulled cupboard doors open, slamming them shut when he didn't find what he needed. Leah nodded her head quickly, dashing back down the stairs to the basement.

"Aw fuck," He complained.

"What is it?" I asked, much too calm for all that blood. Maybe it was a side-effect. I wasn't sure.

I wanted my bed.

And an aspirin.

And all this blood off of me.

I looked down at my ruined dress, more red than yellow.

"Can't find the motherfucking first-aid kit." He hissed, slamming doors with more force than necessary. His eyes were red-rimmed and jittery, flitting about the room like he was paranoid that it was hiding from him. He was high.

"Fuck!" He bellowed and I flinched at his expletive and the big hands he raked through long black hair. He looked way too old be hosting a party full of high-school kids.

He was huge, probably the biggest guy I'd ever seen. Thick bands of muscles wrapped his bones and a smattering of hair decorated his jaw. His eyes were a kind blue and he had dimples that any girl would envy.

He turned to me suddenly, "I'll be right back."

And before I could blink, he was gone.

I took a moment to look around his tiny, ramshackle kitchen. The cheap linoleum was blistered and bubbling. The older-than-me wallpaper was tearing from the wall. In some places you could see the beige plaster beneath. Rickety cupboards hung precariously on their hinges, some were missing their doors entirely. The contents within them were sparse and strewn about haphazardly.

I wondered where Leah was.

The music was still thumping, rattling the walls and shaking my foundation. The countertop made a buzzing sound with each deep reverberation, rattling my bones.

The back door flew open and a girl I didn't know with a guy I went to school with came falling in. He was kissing her crazy, all lips and teeth and tongue. Drunken kisses that sent tingles all over me. He pressed her to the island in front of me, oblivious to my presence.

I slipped down off of the countertop carefully, trying not to use my hands, and crept outside.

It was dark.

And cold.

The wind tore at my hair and stung the cuts in my hands that weren't bleeding as much now. I was fairly sure that the small pools of blood in my palms weren't growing any bigger.

I walked around the property and toed my shoes off before cautiously picking the heels up and throwing them in the back of Leah's truck that she'd parked next door.

I was prepared to sleep in the cab.

Hands be damned.

And I probably would've if I hadn't seen _him_ sitting on the porch, cast in a pit of darkness, familiar swirls of smoke drifting from his lips.

Moonlight cast his driveway in a pearly white and slanted across his face, illuminating those mossy green eyes that blazed like the end of his cigarette.

He was barefoot, wearing only light blue jeans, a white t-shirt and his tattoos, but he didn't look cold.

He was staring off into space, ignoring the smattering of people on Felix's lawn next door. Dull music and drunk laughter echoed into the otherwise silent night and I imagined that was what had kept him awake at this hour. Not that I knew the time, but the air was chilly and the grass crispy with the promise of morning dew. My own breath swirled in front of me and my teeth chattered away, permeating the dark night. It sounded loud, far too loud to be normal, but I was swaying-dizzy and slow-blinking high.

A drop of blood dripped to the floor and I swear I heard it.

Green eyes blinked and a head of messy, tousled hair lifted and eyes blinked some more.

He was up in a flash when he recognised me, stalking barefoot down his driveway, nostrils flared, cigarette abandoned.

"What the fuck…" He said, reaching for the hem of my dress. He dropped it like it had burned him, his fingers stained red. He smeared them together between finger and thumb, examining it for a split second.

"It's not paint," I mumbled stupidly.

I held my hands towards him and his eyes widened as he grabbed my wrists. I flinched, but he was gentle. His thumbs caressing, smearing the blood over the paper-thin skin of my wrists.

"What happened?" He fumed, tugging me towards him, down his drive, up his porch, into the house he'd been sitting outside of.

"You live here?" I chuckled, raising an eyebrow.

He glared back at me and I pressed my lips together, letting him drag me along.

 _Figures_.

"What happened?" He asked again.

I sighed, "I fell."

"You fell?" He scoffed.

"On glass."

He groaned and pulled me into his kitchen. It was much the same layout as Felix's, but in better shape. Not by much though.

He picked me up and deposited me on the counter.

"My dress is ruined," I pouted.

He was rummaging in cupboards, but, unlike Felix, he found what he was looking for quickly.

"And that's your biggest concern right now, is it?"

"It's new," I answered, as if that explained it all.

He shook his head and came back over to me, stopping right in front of me. His stomach brushed my knees. Tense and toned beneath knobbly and weak.

He gently turned my hands over, examining them closely.

"Nothing too big wedged in there…" He seemed to be mumbling to himself, "Just a lot of blood I think…"

He ran the tap, ignoring its high-pitched groan, and filled a bowl with water. When I quirked a brow, he explained, "I don't want to risk running it under the tap if there's anything stuck in there."

I nodded quickly. I didn't need to hear anymore.

He wrapped his fingers carefully around my wrist, slowly lowering them into the bowl. I winced at the sharp cold that enveloped my hand, watching as the water turned a pinky hue. He repeated the manoeuvre with my other hand, ever so gentle and feather-light touches.

"I'm not some fragile bird," I said, "I won't break."

He gulped, "No, you're a swan."

I didn't understand what he meant at first, confused and disorientated in my drunken stupor. But then I understood and I blushed at my stupidity. Of course, he wasn't calling me a beautiful, elegant bird. He was just referring to my last name.

 _Stupid._

"You're not stupid," He said as he examined my hands, "accidents happen all the time."

And I was glad that he had misinterpreted my words, but blushed that I'd said them aloud at all.

I watched as he bent and flexed my hand, plucking tiny bits of glass out with careful precision with tweezers he'd dipped in rubbing alcohol.

 _No,_ they didn't hurt.

 _Yes,_ I could wiggle my fingers.

 _No,_ I wasn't paralysed.

 _Yes,_ I think you got it all out.

 _No,_ I didn't need stitches

He doused them in alcohol and I held back a scream. My hands burnt, a blazing fire singeing away beneath my skin. I squeezed my eyes shut and when I opened them, Edward grimaced and gave me a pitiful smile. I watched him as he made a paste of baking soda and water, my hands throbbing with the flames licking at them.

He pursed his lips, brows furrowed as he examined the scrapes and incisions marring my palms.

Life lines well and truly obliterated.

He ever so carefully coated them in the paste he'd made.

"What's that?"

"Baking soda."

"What's it do?"

"Helps bring any glass out, if there's any left to get out. You'll need to keep applying it over the next few days."

I nodded like I understood, but the haze fogging my brain was growing in intensity.

"How do you know how to do this anyway?" I asked as he wrapped my palms in a thick, white gauze.

"My father was a doctor."

"Was?"

"He died a few years ago."

"I'm sorry." And I meant it.

He carefully wrapped them up, tying them off with a flourish. His hands nimble and strong.

"And you, what do you do?"

"I'm just a mechanic."

But he wasn't _just a mechanic_.

He was good and bad and maybe too much of one and too little of the other, though I couldn't be sure which.

He was untouchable, so out of my reach it was almost laughable, yet I constantly reached for him.

He was billowing smoke and dark rooms.

Corruption and deceit.

Tattoos and piercings.

He was your first time getting high and your last stolen thought before you went to sleep.

He was sunshine-high rides and sun-kissed skin.

He was comfort when you were down and milkshakes to bring you back up, up, up.

Sweet-tooth and sweeter smile.

He was the worst and best thing for me, all rolled up into one messy package.

I blinked down at the eye etched forever into his skin and I could've sworn it blinked right back, tears glistening, eyes imploring. Fingers reached out to stroke the still tears —the icy blue of the eye, forever sad— and I realised with a start that they were mine. His hand froze, but mine continued to stroke the sad eyes, before moving onto to what I could now make out as roman numerals inscribed onto each knuckle.

"What's this for?" I asked, gentle fingers swooping over the foreign numbers.

I heard the audible gulp, waited what felt a lifetime for him to reply. His hands seemed to clench as my fingers continued their light tracing. I retracted my hand, dropping it carefully to my side and his clenched fists found the countertop on either side of me. His head dropped, lashes sweeping low on his cheekbones. His breaths seemed to come out in raspy hisses.

I wanted to wrap my arms around him, then my legs, hold him there and never let go. But I didn't because I shouldn't and couldn't. I was frozen, breaths stilled deep in my lungs until he finally, _finally_ spoke.

"It's the day everything went to shit."

* * *

 **A/N: Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by The Doors.**

 **ily guys. That is all.**


	6. 6: Wishful Sinful

**Chapter 6: Wishful Sinful**

In school, Riley gave me a lollipop.

We were sitting in the cafeteria, but I was extra happy and big smiles because he'd come to sit with me and my friends today. I was perched on his lap, my curly ponytail bouncing in his face. He kept flicking it away when it whipped him across the cheek, feigning annoyance, but I could tell he didn't mind it. He was smiling at all me all proud-like and fingering the edge of my short lilac skirt lazily.

I'd worn it because it was his favourite.

Tiny and pleated with a white shirt tucked in.

I felt super cute and flouncy, all airy smiles and rosy cheeks.

Alice said I looked like a high-class hooker, but that was probably a big compliment coming from her. Leah said I looked as radiant as ever, so I knew it was fine.

Riley's fingers were creeping higher and higher, his smirk getting lazier and lazier.

I grabbed his hands, intertwining our fingers to stop his progression.

"The school cafeteria is so not the time or place," I whispered close to his ear. He shivered as I dragged my fingers through his messy blonde hair.

"Can't help it when you go looking so gorgeous all the time," He pouted and I rolled my eyes, "Seriously, how did I get so lucky? You're like the hottest girl I've ever seen."

I poked his shoulder this time, trying to hide the grin his words evoked. My heart sung wildly in my chest and my voice went up a couple octaves when I spoke, "You have to say that, I'm your girlfriend."

I drew a heart over his chest, right where I could feel his beating steadily.

He shook his head so seriously, "No, no, it's not that. Honestly, when I first saw you, I knew I had to have you. All those others boys… I-"

" _What_ other boys?"

He rolled his eyes like I was oblivious, "Don't act like you weren't the object of every guy in this schools fantasy."

"Oh, shut up." I scoffed.

"I'm being serious. I heard them talking about you in the guys locker room before I even met you." His fingers tightened around my thigh as he spoke, like he was recalling something he didn't want to.

"Gross," I frowned and he pecked me on the lips.

"Exactly," His lips brushed along my jawline, peppering it in sweet kisses.

"Get a room!" Alice bellowed from across the table, her hands cast around her mouth to project her voice. I gave her the finger and she grinned at me and winked.

I could feel Riley's breath gently warming my ear and then a bright cherry red lollipop materialised in front of me. I squealed as I took it, bouncing a little in his lap.

I had the biggest sweet-tooth known to man and he knew just how to twist me around his little finger —although he'd argue it was the other way around.

"I love you."

My heart soared and my palm pulsed right where them pinkish scars lay, "I love you, too."

Because that's what you were supposed to say, wasn't it?

* * *

After school, Riley left me at the pavements edge outside of the main building with a squeeze of my hand and a chaste kiss of my cheek. Usually, he'd drop me off home and stay for a while or we'd hang out at his place, but he was hanging out with his boys today and I didn't want to impede on his time with them. We'd spent so much time together lately and I was afraid that he'd start resenting me soon. The thought twisted my stomach and lodged in my throat.

I waved a little as he left with a wink from the passenger seat of his friends car. One of the guys threw their arms around his neck from behind the headrest and encircled him a headlock, messing up his already messy blonde hair.

I sighed as I watched them drive off and held my books closer to my chest, shifting my weight to the other foot.

Mom didn't drive and Dad was working, so Rose had volunteered to pick me up. She didn't mind 'cause we were working later and we could hang out at her place before we started.

Rose was easy and cool. Emmett called her badass and I'd have to agree with his assessment. She pulled up in her cherry red Mustang, her dusty blonde hair billowing in the slight breeze of her rolled down window. She slid her sunglasses down her nose to search me out, blowing a bubble with her gum until it popped before chewing it obnoxiously. People watched her as they skirted around her car and I quickly made my way over to her, throwing my bag and books into the back before climbing into the passenger seat.

She fingered the edge of my too-short skirt and breathed a laugh, "Dad's gonna kill you if you show up wearing _that_."

I rolled my eyes and turned my head away from her judgemental ones, "Well, he'll have to kill me then."

Her chortled laughter had me grinning as I shimmied it lower. She pulled out of the parking lot, revving the engine a little louder than necessary, garnering a few furtive glances from the few people meandering around.

Rose was right. As always.

As soon as we passed the threshold of _The White Swan_ , Dad was on my case. His moustache twitched when he saw my skirt and the cream of bare legs and I rolled my eyes before he could even utter a word.

He was in front of me in seconds, his hands on his hips, moustache twitching away, "What are you wearing, Bells?"

I frowned down at myself, feigning innocence, "What?"

He sighed and rubbed his hands down his face. Exhaustion had crept into his features over the years. Crows feet marred the corners of his deep brown eyes and his forehead had lines permanently etched into it. His hair was speckled with grey and laugh lines formed semi-deep indentations on either side of his mouth up to his nose. Ever since Maggie was born, he'd been spending more and more time at our house, yet he kept his maisonette above the bar.

Although I didn't really see why; he spent most nights on the couch at Mom's, helping out with Maggie and the kids. When he wasn't there, I'd help Mom out with Maggie.

Unlike Jake and Emily, Maggie was a good baby. She hardly cried and slept for a few hours at a time and she was easy to settle. Mom said I had the 'touch', but I never did have that with the twins.

They were downright annoying growing up. Loud and sugar-high —even when you didn't give them any. It was like they had a store of sugar hidden away, like the way hamsters stored food in their cheeks. They were rowdy and purposefully teasing until you cracked. And when you did —screaming and ranting and raving at them— they'd laugh like it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard. I loved them and hated them equally. The feeling was mutual. One minute they'd be cuddled up with both of their heads on my lap whilst we'd happily watch a movie until they feel asleep, and the next they'd be bouncing around my bedroom, throwing things to each other over my head and giggling incessantly until I'd relent with a scream and a few harsh words that Mom would later chastise me for.

Siblings were the worst, but I wouldn't swap them for the world.

Rose was so easy to have for a sister. She'd moved out in my early teen years, so we'd never really gone through the stage of clothes-stealing and squabbling. I'd stay in her place sometimes and we'd have girly chill days with rom-coms, —although she'd never admit to anyone else that she secretly loved them— pints of ice-cream and face-masks.

She was fun and cool.

The twins were anything but, but they were young and they'd grow out of it Mom said.

 _Double Trouble._

That's what Dad called them.

 _Fitting._

"Your Mother know you're moseying around town in that?" He huffed.

I blushed three shades of pink, but jutted my chin out nonetheless, "Mom bought it for me."

His moustache did the twitchy thing again, "Did she now?"

I nodded and batted my lashes and, over his shoulder, Rose rolled her eyes at my blatant lie, "Of course, Daddy. Would I ever lie to you?"

He pursed his lips, caught out by my sweet smile and wide, innocent eyes. Mom lay the law in our house and he knew it. If Mom said I could wear it, I could wear it. He didn't have to know that she hadn't seen me run out this morning to avoid her reprimanding and that she'd also throw a hissy-fit if she saw me parading around school in it. That's what she'd say. _Parading_.

He ruffled my hair and pinched my already rosy cheek, "Guess not, kiddo. Now, you and your sister get working. I don't pay you to stand around."

I smirked as he planted a kiss on my forehead and ruffled my hair again. When I passed Rose to get to the bar, I stuck my tongue out at her scrunched-up face.

"You sure have got Dad wrapped around that little finger of yours, haven't you?" Rose admonished, shaking her head with her hand on her hip. She acted all holier-than-thou but she had Dad and Emmett wrapped around hers, too, and I knew she was only teasing me.

Dad really did have a soft-spot for me. I was his little princess; a girly-girl, as opposed to Rose's snarky brassiness and Emily's roughish rebellion. Emily was faded jeans and a baggy t-shirt and Rose was always kind of edgy. I was pretty dresses and bows and diamond stud earrings. Pearly pink nail polish and the cutest of wedges. Mom and Dad liked having a little girl to dress-up and be pretty. And I liked to play pretty.

I knocked her playfully with my shoulder, "Shut up."

She blew a great big pink bubble and I stuck my finger in it, coating her mouth and dainty cupids bow in pink goo. She frowned at me and licked the gunk off of her top lip before slapping my arm playfully, "Get to work, _Swan_."

With the telltale signs of a smile wavering on my lips, I straightened my posture and saluted her playfully, "Aye-Aye, Captain."

She rolled her eyes and laughed at my goofiness, "Dork."

I snickered into my hand as I skirted around her.

The door leading to the back swung open and Dad stood over the threshold, giving us the universal 'I'm watching you' sign. Rose and I held back our grins as he held the door open for Cora and Sue. They slipped under his arm and smiled warmly at us.

They'd usually take turns doing a full day shift before Rose, Vickie and I started working here, along with the few other employees, and Dad had near snapped Rose and Vic's arm off when they'd offered to alleviate the tension that had been brewing between him and his employees by working a few shifts a week here. He wasn't so sure that it was a good idea for me to join them, but he was desperate.

Cora and Sue were relieved and they'd get to spend more times with their families, so it was worth it. I thought maybe I was proving Dad wrong. I helped out as much as I could, I was never late and I was catching on with everything pretty quick, even if I did say so myself.

We said quick goodbyes to Cora and Sue when a customer saddled up on a stool by the bar and Rose went over to attend to him. Dad lingered by me for a while and I eyed him peculiarly as he scratched his jaw and shifted uncertainly from foot to foot.

I finally gave into his uncomfortable stammering and confronted him with a hand on my hip, "What's up, Dad?"

He sighed and protruded a black clipboard from under the bar, settling it carefully onto the bar top and sliding it towards me. I spun it around apprehensively, knowing exactly what it was, "What do you want me to do with this?"

I eyed the sheet of paper, sectioned off into columns of various types of liquor and their respective costs and usage. It looked fairly confusing, but I was sure I'd get it. It couldn't be that hard.

"Well, uh, I was wondering if you'd mind doing the inventory for me. Your mom's just called and Emily needs picking up from school again."

"What did she do this time? Jump off the school roof and break her arm again on a dare?" I snorted. She really was rather boisterous, a real tom-boy. She wore my old worn jeans and a holey baseball cap worn backwards she'd found at the thrift-store. Her hair was always yanked back into a ponytail and she was constantly smudged with dirt. Mom said even when she'd have a bath and scrub her to within an inch of her life, there would still be a speck of dirt somewhere on her. Emily always found that so funny, but it was kind of disgusting. She _was_ pretty though. Short with the same brown hair as me. Freckles smattered her nose and stretched a little over her rounded cheeks and her eyes were the prettiest blue. I'd begged her to let me pierce her ears last year and she'd screamed and cried and threw a fit after I'd done the first ear, and she'd never let me go near the other lobe since, so she had just the one ear pierced, which Mom _always_ moaned at me for, but Emily didn't care. She was oblivious and young and carefree. She didn't care what anybody thought of her and I loved her for that.

He chuckled softly at my suggestion, but shook his head, "Arm."

"School roof?"

"Tried sliding down the stair banister and slipped off," He grunted, "Anyways, I need to go pick her up and take her over to the hospital. It will just be the two of you. You'll be okay, right?"

I nodded with an appeasing smile, "Of course, Dad. Don't worry about us. We've got the place covered."

He grumbled something under his breath before leaving Rose and I to ourselves. It was still somewhat early and so there were only a few people there. I quickly helped Rose by preparing drinks as she rounded them up at the register. Once it had cleared up a little for her to serve the last few by herself, I decided it would be best to take inventory whilst it was quiet.

I sighed as I grabbed the clipboard and began reading it over to acquaint myself with how it worked. Once you figured it out, it was rather simple to understand.

I was working out how many bottles of Hennessy we'd used and how many more we needed to order, when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

Usually, we weren't allowed phones whilst on shift, but Dad wasn't around and I was sure Rose wouldn't mind. I scanned the bar for her and saw her leaning against the back bar, twisting her hair around her finger, her phone pressed to her ear.

I fumbled to get it out my ass pocket and answered it with a smile, "Hey."

"Hey, baby," Riley drawled in a low, gruff voice. Chortles and kissy noses started up in the background and the muffled sound of him telling them to cut it out made me snort, "Give me a sec."

I waited for him as he left the room I assumed, dropping the clipboard onto the back countertop and leaning over it to doodle aimlessly along the margins.

"You still there, baby?"

"Yeah," I hummed, my pen continuously drawing the eight figure.

The slam of a door and a chair screeching along the floor broke the sound of his heavy breaths, "What are you wearing?"

I scoffed and shook my head into the palm of my hand, "I'm working, what do you think I'm wearing?"

"A balaclava I hope."

I sniggered quietly into my hand, "You're an idiot."

Riley hated that I had to work in a bar with rowdy old men. He thought I was much too pretty and small for that, and it was something my dad and him both agreed on for once.

"But you love me anyway."

I hummed quietly and went on to drawing little smattering of flowers down the border of the page. Dad was gonna have an aneurysm for not taking this seriously. I could just see that little vein in his temple throbbing, his face going all red like a lobster and that damn moustache twitch, twitch, twitching away. I doodled some more.

"I want to see you."

"Come over."

"What? To the bar? Your dad hates me." He grumbled the last part. I don't think Riley very much liked my dad either, but I tried to ignore that part, cast it from my mind.

"My dads not here."

Fifteen minutes later I was in the cellar again, but I wasn't crying because of a stupid argument with Riley this time. I was pressed up against the wall, Riley hot and heavy and thrusting into my belly. His lips were on mine and then they were on my neck, quick and incessant. He kissed just below my ear 'cause he knew that was my weak spot. I whimpered a little into his shoulder and trailed my fingers through his hair, tugging it a little 'cause I knew he liked that.

He was rubbing himself against me, his cheeks warm, his panting breaths wafting right in my face.

He smelled of beer and weed.

His eyes were red and his pupils were wide, the blue barely visible.

His smile was lazy and low.

His ears were tipped pink.

His hands were everywhere.

His lips were everywhere.

His dick twitched just besides my bellybutton.

I arched into him.

He pressed harder, fingers digging deeper into hips, lifting me up higher until he was pressed at the seam of just where I needed him.

His lips were moving over mine with more fervour than ever before.

I closed my eyes.

I saw _him_ on the backs of my eyelids.

A moan pierced the air. Mine.

Tousled bronze hair.

Piercing green eyes.

Colours swirling behind lids that shouldn't be there.

 _This is wrong, so wrong._

Chiseled jaws and parted lips.

Long, agile fingers.

I squeezed them tighter. I couldn't stop. I could feel it, so close. _So close._

I pictured Edward between my legs, Edward touching me, Edward thrusting into my stomach, kissing my neck, touching me everywhere. Not who I should be picturing, who I shouldn't have to picture at all. But I couldn't stop.

I was actually getting worked up, moaning softly, pressing right back into him with equal fervour. A faker. This show wasn't for him.

"God, you're so warm" and "I want you so bad" whispered against my skin.

My breathes were stuttered and heavy, "Touch me, then."

I couldn't open my eyes. I was too ashamed, too overcome with guilt to look into blue eyes I imagined were green.

Hands fumbled with buttons and fly's and then hands were slipping inside and I was panting even harder and arching even further.

My hand found his, pushing lace aside, urging him on, helping him do what he couldn't.

And then hands pounding on the hatchway had me jumping ten feet in the air, eyes opening wide, images of something out of reach disappearing like a mirage. That was exactly what he was; a mirage. Something so unattainable, so unrealistic, yet so desired it was laughable, "Dad's back, Bella, get your ass out here!"

I sighed and pressed my forehead against Riley's, "I'm sorry."

But it wasn't just for the blue-balls.

Tears stung my eyes. My stomach turned. I was the worst girlfriend ever.

Soft lips pressed against my nose, my forehead, both cheeks, the edge of my lips, lingering a little longer, "S'okay."

But I could see the pain in his face as he adjusted himself in his jeans.

"I'll make it up to you," I promised with a kiss on his lips, glad that he'd taken my apology the wrong way.

He grinned lazily and kissed me right back, "I'll let you."

The guilt crept in, settling, making itself at home. I felt sick; warm-cheek, stomach-churning whoozy with remorse.

We quickly righted ourselves and climbed back up the stairs, through the hatch and made our way back to the main bar area. Rose shot me a hard glare and darted them to where Dad was chatting away to Mrs Cope in her same old booth in the corner.

We had a few minutes then to sneak Riley out quickly before Dad spotted him. I evaded his eyes, kissed his cheek with my gaze on his chest, looking anywhere but at eyes that adored me and a smile that implored me. I quickly left him and went back inside, hoping against all odds that Dad hadn't seen him.

Mrs Cope did have her perks it seemed.

She was pressing a mint into his hand when I returned and I quickly resumed filling in the bar inventory on the clustered spreadsheet. Rose was wiping down the bar besides me. Dad was saved by the familiar ringing of his phone. His grateful smile wasn't missed, and Rose and I shared a knowing smile.

It was getting late, the place was filling up a little more. Dad was still in the back, probably still on the phone. Rose was taking orders still. I'd offered to help, but she'd shooed me away, promising she could handle it and to just get the inventory done so we could go home on time.

I'd begrudgingly agreed. It was kind of easy, but damn it was boring. I was starting to miss chatting with the handsy regulars. I was debating whether to call Riley to come hang out at the bar for a bit again, but decided against it in the end. I'd see him later and I didn't want to seem needy. It was just the guilt creeping in.

I sighed, leaning my arms on the counter with my ass in the air as I quickly took note of what stock we had left. But all I could think about was my near brush with the big 'O'.

A throat cleared behind me and with a quick glance over my shoulder I saw Edward leaning on the bar, drumming his fingers along the edge.

"Edward?" I blinked stupidly. Images of hands and tongues and lips flashed through my mind, but I quickly pushed them away.

"Vic here?"

It was Vickie's day off. He knew that. "Umm, no, she doesn't work Thursday's."

"Really? Huh."

He sat down in the stool besides him and leaned his arms on the bar again, his eyes never straying from my own. He looked tense. His jaw was clenched and those prominent joints were rolling just at the edge where his jaw met his ear. I shivered a little at his imploring stare.

"Want a drink?" I asked.

"Sure," He said, but his smile was tight.

"The usual?"

"You know me too well." He winked and I swooned a little inside.

His fingers drummed out a rhythm on the bar top, but it was far from impatient. The tearful eye emblazoned across his hand stared back at me, the roman numerals taunting me with the words he'd spoken at Felix's a few weeks back now.

 _It's the day everything went to shit._

What could've happened to him that had clearly affected him so strongly? Was it the date of his father's death? It was the most probable conclusion, but my mind had been racing with endless possibilities ever since he'd told me. I shouldn't have been so invested in him, but I just couldn't help myself.

He hadn't said anything after he'd said that. I'd let him stand there for a few minutes whilst his breathing evened out and his fingers gradually unfurled from the counter on either side of my legs, the tension slowly but surely fading from him.

He'd straightened up quickly, blinked slowly at me and raked his hands through his wayward hair. With an "I'm sorry" and "you should probably go," he'd followed me outside, hands stuffed deep in pockets, brows furrowed even deeper on his forehead.

From the porch stoop, I spotted Riley, Leah, Alice and Jasper next door, calling out for me, talking to the other people still hanging around outside. With my eyes cast down on his bare toes and a quiet "goodbye," I'd left him on his porch with hurried steps and a quicker heartbeat.

I was staring at him.

 _Oh, god._

I nodded dumbly, dropping the spreadsheet onto the back counter with a dull thud. I grabbed a pint glass from under the bar and held it under the faucet at a forty-five degree angle like Dad had taught me. My hair fell in my eyes and I jumped a little when he leant over to push it behind my ear, spilling a little beer over my hand.

His hands brushed mine as I tried to place it carefully on the cardboard placemat I'd set before him. My eyes flickered to his and he was looking at me intensely, a secret smile on his lips.

"Thank you, _Isabella_."

And there he went again, saying my name like that until I forgot who I was, where I was and who this boy belonged to.

His drink went untouched.

When I turned back to pick the spreadsheet back up, Rose was frozen with her rag on the bar, staring at me peculiarly. I quickly averted my eyes and continued taking inventory, aware of Edward watching my every move from the other side of the bar.

* * *

 **A/N: I love love LOVE hearing from you lovely lot, almost as much as I love writing this little crazy tale. To the guest users, thank youuu for your continued support, it truly means a lot. I wish I could reply to you guys 'cause I love speaking with you all! I even love you lovely lurkers although I wish you'd leave me some love, too!**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by The Doors... again.**


	7. 7: Starman

**Chapter 7: Starman**

Mom was twirling in front of a mirror in a pretty black dress.

She looked flawless. Rose had done her makeup and I'd curled her short red-hued hair. Her blue eyes sparkled next to the swinging diamond earrings Dad had gotten her back when they were together, but they were garnished and over-worn. Her eyes were still the same pretty, young blue, unchanged with time. Her lips were painted a pretty peach.

"You look amazing, Mom," I said because she did. I watched as she fawned over her hair and re-applied her lipstick. She was all jittery and nervous smiles, yet no matter how many times we pointed it out, she said she was just going for a few drinks with the girls. It was a blatant lie and Rose and I could see right through it.

Mom didn't have many friends. She always said that we were her live-in girlfriends and Jake was her handsome little man. She didn't need anyone else.

Rose thought she had a secret beau, but I knew better. Rose wasn't there to know that when I'd go down for a glass of water during the night, Dad was no longer sprawled across our couch. His shoes were still next to the front door, so I knew he was still there.

He'd be back on the couch by morning, faking a yawn and a stretch, but I never commented on it. I didn't want to embarrass them or ruin what I could see flourishing between them again. It had been years, but it had been hard for them both being apart. Despite it all, they'd always been close. It made me wonder why they had broken-up in the first place, but I supposed Jake and Emily could drive anyone to it.

"Thanks, baby," Mom said with a kiss to my cheek. She fixed her lipstick again before she left. It was kind of cute how flustered and shaky she was. My mom was utterly adorable, "I've left fifty dollars on the kitchen table for pizza. If you need me, call me."

See? Adorable.

"Don't worry, Mom, we'll be fine. How many times have I babysat?" My eyebrow quirked at her unnecessary fretting.

"I know, I know, I just worry. It's what Mom's do best," She sighed and ran her hand down my cheek and touched the heart on my back, "I won't be long."

That was secretly cue for 'don't wait up' and we both knew it.

Hours past, Rose left and the kids fell asleep. Maggie was in her cradle snoring softly and Jake and Emily were curled up together on the couch, tomato sauce smeared around their mouths. They were cute like this, quiet and content, until they woke up.

Emily's arm was draped protectively over her small body, her cast decorated in endless names in a kaleidoscope of colours. Flowers, heart and footballs interspersed among them. I'd done the hearts, Jake had done the flowers and Emily herself had done the footballs with her good arm, although they were all distorted and misshaped 'cause it wasn't her writing hand and she wasn't ambidextrous. I had to tell her what that meant.

They'd have to stay there until Mom and Dad came home and could carry them to bed 'cause there was no way I was struggling up the stairs with two nine year olds.

I muted the TV and called Alice instead. She was with Jasper at his house. She wanted to see me. She hadn't seen me, in like, two fucking days and she missed me. Her words, not mine.

"Come over."

"Give us fifteen minutes."

They took twelve. Not that I kept time.

I'd missed her, too.

Alice laughed when she saw me, but I didn't have time to question it because she pulled me in for the tightest little hug ever. She even lifted me off my feet a little.

She puckered kisses all over my face as we fell backwards into the hallway and Jasper snickered from the doorway.

"Sometimes, I wonder how you put up with her," I managed to wheeze out.

He chuckled quietly, "I could say the same to you."

"Touché."

We somehow managed to persuade Jasper to watch a chick-flick with us and we pretended we didn't hear his sighing and huffs throughout. His gaze was mainly focused on Alice throughout the whole movie though, fiddling with the ends of her hair, caressing her arm, entwining their fingers. He was the cutest.

Alice was temperamental and brash. Jasper was her anchor. He grounded her when nobody else could. It sounded cliché, but he really did calm her when she was mad, or console her when she was upset. They were opposites, but they revolved around each other. I couldn't imagine them apart.

We had the TV on low 'cause the twins were asleep besides me, but Emily stirred in her sleep when Jake moved a little and we fell to silence.

We spoke in whispers and covered our mouths when we laughed. Alice jabbed my side with her toe and I cringed like it was gross, but I didn't mind really. She attacked me with it, wiggling her black-painted toes in my face and laughing hysterically.

I loved her, and her toes.

I told her as much and she kissed my cheek for the gazillionth time and curled up by my side, laying her feet over Jasper's legs. He rubbed them and twiddled her toes like he loved them, too.

We watched the rest of the movie, Alice's head on my lap like a little puppy as I played with her hair and Jasper her toes.

And I thought, yeah, life is good.

* * *

Vickie was on my doorstep, streaks of black trailing down her cheeks, eyes puffy and red, lips swollen and skin blotchy.

She collapsed into another fit of tears when she saw me, blinking and confused, "Oh, Bella," She cried, hugging me tightly, snivelling into my shoulder, leaving a pool of wetness on my shirt, "Edward and I… I didn't know where to go… s-so sorry… I just didn't k-know where to go…"

I patted her back through a mass of red curls, "It's okay, Vic," I hushed her. Emily and Jake were still snoring softly on the sofa. Alice was getting ready for bed upstairs and Jasper had left not too long ago, "What happened?"

It took her five minutes to let go of me, another 2 for her to stop crying long enough to breathe, and what felt like a lifetime before she could stop snivelling and hiccupping long enough to get her words out.

"Edward and I had a fight," She said with a deep croak, reaching for a tissue out of the tissue box on the coffee table. I pointed to the kitchen silently as Emily stirred in her sleep and she nodded dejectedly and followed me. We didn't speak as I grabbed her a glass of water and took a seat besides her at the table. She turned it slowly in her hands, staring at the glass with unseeing eyes, collecting droplets of condensation with her slender fingers. She finally took a small sip before she spoke, "I messed up."

She shook her head and closed her eyes, taking another sip of water, wiping her nose with the tissue she still had clutched in her hand.

My heart was pounding out a giddy tune. My fingers tingled. I could feel my temples pounding throughout my entire body. I shouldn't be this happy. It was wrong.

I sat silently, splaying my fingers flat on the table because I didn't know what to do with them, waiting for her to say more. I didn't want to push her. I wondered why she'd come here. Sure, we were close, but I was sure Rose would be better equipped at dealing with this sort of stuff.

She sighed before continuing, "You know his dad died, right?"

I nodded slowly.

"Well, today was the anniversary. I get it. I do. I just don't get why he has to take it out on me."

"Take what out on you?"

She groaned lowly before dropping her head into her hands, "I just wanted to help, you know? I know its hard for him without his dad and-… but I just wanted to show him I was there for him," She took a deep breath, drawing patterns on the condensation of her glass, "I guess I was kind of clingy, and maybe, uh, a bit overbearing, but I just wanted to show him that I was there for him, and now I think maybe I've ruined everything."

I reached out tentatively to rub her arm, "I'm sure everything will be okay, Vic. I mean, it's you and Edward."

Like that explained it or something.

She snorted and shook her head, "I seem to be doing everything wrong lately. I can never do right by him."

I frowned. They'd always seemed so good together.

Maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see… or what they wanted me to see. I don't know.

Alice came down, froze in the doorway when she saw the mess that was Vickie at the kitchen table, and then burst into action.

Stroking her hair, hugging her, telling her everything would be alright because 'you're perfect together' and 'you belong together' and 'who else?'

I wanted to sink into a hole.

I was rotten. Dirty to the core. An apple. Why did I have to feel like this over my own cousins boyfriend? My very flesh and blood. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair, for her, for me.

I shouldn't be so elated that they were having troubles. I shouldn't picture him painted behind my eyelids when I was with Riley. I shouldn't imagine his fingers, his breaths, his lips, his kisses… I shouldn't picture my life with him, when his life was with her. I shouldn't wish for strawberry milkshakes and too-cool for chocolate. Stolen glances. Brushes of fingers. Christmas presents smoked at the back of a garden, hidden and dangerously wrong. Hair-tucks and baking soda. I shouldn't want him to call me his 'Milkshake Girl'.

But I did. I wanted all of those things and more. So much more.

I was teetering on the edge of a cliff.

"Bellaaaa," Alice was waving her hand in my face with her arms still wrapped around Vickie, "where were you?"

"On a cliff."

"What?"

"Nothing."

It was late. We left the twins on the couch and went to my room. I checked on Maggie first, but she was sleeping soundly, her little fists unfurled on either side of her face. I kissed her pudgy cheek and pulled her a little more down her cradle, tucking her in gently. Her lashes fluttered with tiny eye twitches and she smacked her pouty lips a few times before sighing deeply and falling back into her deep sleep.

I crept back to my room and Alice was plaiting Vickie's hair for bed. She did mine next and Vickie was staring at me from the floor.

She frowned and pointed to her cheek, "What's-…?"

But Alice shook her head from behind me and Vickie shut her mouth. I was about to question them when Alice said 'pass a hairband, Vic' and 'stop fidgeting, Bella'. She smacked the brush on my head and I feigned that it hurt, rubbing my head. She hit me again for messing up my hair.

"It's just for bed, Al," I grumbled and she huffed from behind me.

"Yeah, but you never know whose gonna star in your dreams."

Vickie waggled her eyebrows and laughed for the first time since she'd arrived.

"And, what, they're gonna see my hair?"

"You never know."

She was right.

I don't know what time it was, but a familiar ringing woke me from my slumber. Alice was curled up to my side, her small lips parted with tiny breathes. Vickie was sprawled at the end of the bed, right over my toes. My feet were numb with the weight of her.

I awkwardly lifted myself from the bed and stumbled to the desk in the corner. Pins and needles prickled my toes up to my ankle. Vickie's phone was flashing and ringing.

I picked it up quickly, sleepy-eyed and fuzzy-headed, my toes tingling, "Hello?"

Silence and then, "Bella?"

My heart tingled.

"Edward?"

A short laugh, but not really. Too forced and empty.

"What are you doing calling so late?" I mumbled groggily, tip-toeing out of my room onto the landing so as not to disturb the girls.

"Vickie," He choked, "is she there?"

"Yes, no…" I was disorientated. Clearly. Foggy with a head still full of dreams. _Huh_.

"Well, which is it?"

I sighed, "She's asleep."

I peeked my head into Mom's room, but she still wasn't back. Maggie was still sound asleep in her room. The twins must've woken up and taken themselves to bed because they were tucked in safe and sound in their room.

I quietly shut the door and crept back down the hall to the bathroom. I needed to pee.

He was silent on the other end, except for the sound of his breathing. It calmed me. My eyes drooped.

He laughed suddenly and my eyes opened right back up.

"Are you peeing?"

I blushed, "Uh, yeah."

He laughed some more and I decided that that alone was worth being woken up for.

"You have a cute pee."

"A cute pee?"

"Yeah, like a little baby-baby."

He was drunk.

"Uh, thanks?"

He laughed some more and I smiled into the receiver.

"What are you doing now?"

"Washing my hands."

"Baby hands."

I snorted, "Cut it out."

"I can't, baby."

My breath stuttered and I imagined he was calling me the other baby. The lover one. The endearment rather than the Maggie-baby. The one he reserved for my cousin, probably.

I tried to think back to if I'd ever heard him call her that, but I drew up short. Maybe I was repressing it, I don't know.

"Are you still there?"

I nodded and then realised he couldn't see me, "Yes."

"Can you let me in?"

"You're at my house?" I sounded unsure, but he rarely ever came here asides for special occasions.

I couldn't help it. The pounding of my heart, the giddy smile on my lips, my laboured breathing as I all but threw myself down the stairs.

He looked surprised to see me as I swung the door open in record time. Probably because I was suddenly wide-awake and alert, bushy-tailed and smiling like it was normal for him to be at my door at… whatever time it was in the morning.

"Hi," I breathed all airily and I realised I still had the phone pressed against my ear.

He smiled, dazzling and easy, "Hi, Milkshake Girl."

He took the phone off his own ear and pressed end. The phone rang out in my ear and I let it slide down from my face.

He laughed suddenly and shook his head, "My, my, who's been kissing you, girl?"

"What?"

He shook his head and I frowned as his eyes blinked at my chest, my arms, my legs, my toes. I wrapped my arms around myself protectively, blushing at my bareness. I hadn't realised in my haste to see him what I was wearing. A tiny pink slip. Lacy and thin, like gossamer that clung to my skin. Low and short.

My slip was pink, my toe-nails and fingers, my cheeks probably, too.

"You look like one of those milkshakes you're always drinking," He said and he licked his lips like he wanted a taste. Like yum.

I was red now. I could feel it. My cheeks, my arms, my chest, all over my body. Burning from the inside out.

"Give me a sec," I said quickly and I dashed up the stairs, taking two at a time, until I was breathless. I slipped into my room and grabbed the nightgown hanging on the back of my door. White and fuzzy and warm. I slipped it on and tied it up tightly. But there was still my pink toes and my fingers and cheeks.

A noise behind me made my head whip around. Edward was in my room. Well, in the doorway. But his big feet crossed the threshold and that counted, didn't it?

"What are you doing?" I whisper-hissed.

His gaze moved from Vickie curled up at the end of my bed, to me.

"I need to talk to Vickie," He said evenly.

I shook my head and pushed, pushed him out, but he didn't budge.

"Edward!" I whisper-admonished and he took a step back. I squeezed out with him and shut the door carefully behind me. I turned to him, hands on my hips, pink-toes tapping, "She's asleep, Edward, talk to her in the morning."

"I can't."

"You can."

"I won't."

"You will."

He groaned, "Bella."

But he didn't continue. I sighed like he was a child and I was the adult, "Let her sleep. She's tired, she's been crying all night," His face crumpled at that and I felt bad, so I softened my tone, "She needs rest. I'm sure she'll talk to you in the morning."

He nodded glumly and started back downstairs.

I stayed in my spot for a second, checking on the kids again.

I sighed and went back down.

The front door was shut and I was afraid he'd left, but the light was on in the kitchen and there was a cool draft coming from inside there. I tip-toed carefully towards it and, sure enough, the back door was open slightly.

I flicked the light off and followed him out there.

He was sitting on the porch steps, a cigarette between his lips.

I sat down besides him, carefully tucking my nightie and dressing gown under my ass 'cause I'd shown him too much of myself for one night already.

We sat in retrospective silence for a while, watching the field of grass sway and ripple. I imagined all the toys and cigarette butts lost in that jungle that Mom had never mowed down 'cause she didn't have the time. Maybe a hundred roaches, or maybe just one. From that christmas night all those years ago. His lips, mine. Wrapped around that blunt. Everybody else's, too, but I ignored that part.

I looked at his lips now, out of the corner of my eye, trying to not get caught. The way they puckered as he put the little white stick between them, how they mashed together as he held it in for a couple seconds, how they formed a perfect circle as he exhaled a cloud of smoke. The way he licked his lips each time and sucked on them, too. The rise and fall of that manly chest. Strong, sinewy arms. Big hands, long fingers holding. Holding. I imagined them holding me, touching me and a shiver rippled through me.

I scooted closer, shivering cold and tired. His legs dropped a little to the side, brushing mine, staying there. I couldn't stop staring at his jean-clad thigh on my bare leg. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.

It was, really. It felt it.

"Cold?" He said and I got transported back to that night again when he'd given me his jacket.

I shook my head and shivered at the same time. My breath fanning out like his smoke.

He smiled a little and doused out his cigarette, throwing it with the others in the long grass. I stretched my toes out until the wet blades were tickling my underfoot and he took my small hands into his big ones, enveloping them in his calloused palms and fingers. He examined the pink scars marring the palms of my hands and I saw him being transported back to the night he'd helped me in his eyes. He shook his head to free his thoughts and ran his thumb over a particularly long, straight one. It intercepted perfectly my life-line, veering off onto a completely different path. A tangent, a spanner in the works, Edward Cullen. He traced it carefully and it seemed significant somehow.

"I never thanked you for that night," I said softly and he smiled a little, finally looking up at me.

"Don't worry about it."

He bent his head down, his eyes on mine, and began blowing gently in-between the gap of his hands. The warm swirl of his breath made me dizzy and faint and my fingers twitched in his hands.

He did that for a few minutes before lifting his head again. His voice was hoarse when he spoke, "Better?"

I nodded dumbly and blinked a little, "Toasty warm."

But I really wanted to say, "Blow me some more. Here and here," and point out all of the places I wanted his breath and his lips. Everywhere, basically. But I didn't.

I dipped my head, my plait dropping over my shoulder and he fingered it for awhile in silence. I let him, in awe.

"It suits you."

I looked up slowly, "Thank you."

He nodded once and faced forward again with a, "You should probably get this mowed." He gestured lazily to the expanse of shoulder-height grass that drooped low in front of us and was mottled with nettles and weeds. Yellow dandelions that looked like pools of butter in the moonlight.

Mom had dabbled in gardening years ago, back when Dad was in the picture and I was the only child. I'd helped her some. I remembered planting them rhododendrons that bloomed, untamed and wild, along the fence. Bright, flaming red. Blazing like a fire engulfing the fence if you glanced it in your peripheral vision. Azaleas stood besides them, white and brilliant, pure and almost translucent in the moonbeams. They mixed with the red of the rhododendrons, creating a startling mixture of reds and whites. The contrast, it was poignant somehow.

I looked towards Edward, but he was staring at the shrubbery and bracken lost in the sea of grass. Something crunched in there, a twig beneath a tiny, furry foot, and I imagined a fox or a rabbit maybe. Scurrying and happy in the mess we'd perpetuated. Maybe it had a family. Little ones, like the ones tucked up in bed inside. I suddenly liked the overgrowth, the mess, the notion that it belonged to somebody else.

And then I thought of Vickie and how Edward belonged to her, and I hated it all over again. I wanted to shred and tear at it. Uproot it and grab it and hold it up like a trophy. Brandish it and treasure it, dead and limp in my hands. God, I was awful.

"What happened?" I asked quietly, facing forward. Ashamed of thoughts he couldn't know. Afraid he did.

He knew what I was talking about. His fingers stroked the tattoo, the sad eye that taunted me, the numbers that marked the day… or yesterday now, "I shouldn't have acted the way I did, shouted at her like that. I knew it when it happened, whilst I was doing it, but it was like I couldn't stop. Like a dam broke and everything just… flooded out. It felt good and bad. I just don't know anymore."

"Know what?"

He turned to me suddenly, the hand he was leaning on raking through his hair, "About anything. Life, work, me…"

"Vickie?" I said uncertainly.

His eyes seemed to penetrate me, greener somehow in the night, bright and unwavering. Deep. He didn't reply, just stared at me a little.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but it was like it was on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to be voiced. So I'd given it a voice. And now it was out there, weaving its way through the ferns, whispering in the breeze. I felt sick.

I started to stand up, "I should probably go back to bed."

"Wait," His hand shot out to stop me, "Can you just… Can we just sit for a while?" His eyes were lost, his eyebrows drawn together in a frown, "Please?"

I relaxed back and nodded with a small smile, "Okay."

I don't think I could ever say no to that face, that voice, those eyes.

The silence stretched before us, but it wasn't filled with awkward tension or nervous shakes. It was comfortable and relaxed. We didn't have the need to fill it. It just was.

I leaned back on my arms and my pinkie brushed his. I wanted to hook them together, like Alice and Jasper always did. Lobsters. Instead, I inched it out of his way and sighed. My eyes were drooping and heavy-lidded. I was sleepy, but I'd promised I'd stay with him for a little while.

"This is what I needed," He said softly after a while and I wasn't sure if he'd really said it until he continued, "Just nothing, silence. That's all I needed."

I smiled 'cause I'd given him something that Vickie hadn't, and I imagined he meant me. It made me feel fuzzy and warm despite the cold, bitter air.

"Anytime."

And I meant it.

He was staring at me again. At my cheek, I think.

"What is it?"

He let out a laugh he'd been holding and looked down, shaking his head with the simplest of smiles. Easy and real. My favourite.

"It's been driving me crazy all night," He admitted, lifting his head to look at my cheek again. I frowned because, what?

"May I?"

But he didn't wait for a reply.

He lifted his hand, licking the pad of his thumb before rubbing it oh-so-softly on the apple of my cheek. Feather-light, yet it sent my heart into spasms and fervent palpations, my skin ablaze like them rhododendrons that bloomed and swayed at the corner of my vision. My skin was brighter, I'm sure. And hotter. I swear the wetness he'd left behind was sizzling. Could he hear it?

His eyes were smouldering and intense and the pad of his thumb was peach when he took it away.

Alice's laughter when she'd saw me. Vickie with a point to the cheek and a _'What's-…?'_

 _My, my, who's been kissing you, girl?_

Oh _. Oh_.

"It's my mom's," I explained, embarrassed.

He grinned, "Hmm."

"Honest."

"No, I believe you," He grinned, but his eyes were saying otherwise.

I smacked at his arm and he laughed and put his arms up as a shield, but I wasn't being that hard on him, "Oh, shut it," I rolled my eyes and folded my arms.

He zipped his lips and threw the imaginary key into the grass.

"How ever will we find it?" I joked.

"Guess I'll have to come 'round and mow it for you."

I snorted, "Mom will hold you to that."

"She won't have to. I'll do it." He said and he was shining with honesty and drunk off of moonlight. Or maybe that was me.

I definitely felt drunk. But maybe not off of moonlight. Unless moonlight was codeword for Edward.

I curled my feet towards me, away from the blades of grass that were tickling the bottoms, and wiped away the dew that had collected between my toes. Edward watched as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Didn't he know? He was it.

"I think I should get going now, you need your beauty sleep," He said as a joke, but it sounded forced and I frowned.

"Okay," I said again because hadn't we already established that I couldn't disagree with him?

He stood and dusted off his behind. I may've watched the motion of his hand a little as I rose along with him.

He began walking back indoors, his heavy footfalls echoing through the creaky wood of the porch. My own footsteps were silent and small behind him.

He stopped by the doorway at the bottom of the stairs, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, his head hung low. He looked ashamed, regret seeping into his features and I worried that he thought our little rendezvous was a mistake.

"Do you regret talking to me?" I said meekly.

His head shot up, surprise encompassing his features, "No, Isabella, no. It's not that. I just worry that you're so young and Vic is your cousin, you shouldn't have to have my burdens laid on you like that."

"I'm sixteen, almost seventeen," I said, hurt. That was the only thing I got from what he'd said. This stupid, pesky age difference. It had never bothered him before. What had changed?

He laughed, a small, hollow one, "Exactly."

My head bowed and I fiddled with the rope of my dressing gown, fighting back tears. If I cried, it would only solidify his point, so instead I said, "Goodnight, Edward," to the floor and turned towards the stairs.

He was silent for a moment as I began my slow ascent and then, "Goodnight, Milkshake Girl."

I froze mid-step as the door clicked shut behind me and squeezed my eyes shut, just as my heart squeezed painfully in my chest.

Who was I kidding, I wasn't teetering on the edge of a cliff; I was in free-fall.

Hard and fast. Inevitably painful.

* * *

 **A/N- I'm so grateful for your kind words. It leaves me smiling for days.**

 **By the way, if you guys didn't already notice, most but not all of the chapter titles come from songs that I've had on repeat whilst writing them. If you don't already know them (which is crazy, I know) then give them a listen. Or, better yet, listen whilst reading along. I've gone back and referenced them for you all. This one was named after the song of the same name by the legend that is David Bowie.**

 **Leave me some lurve.**


	8. 8: Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka

**Chapter 8: Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini**

The weather was warm again, but not in the good way. It was sticky and suffocating, like a hot burning iron in your lungs. We had fans in every room of the house set up, but the air was stifling. Perspiration was my new accessory. The curls around my temples that the heat induced were a close second.

I'd just finished dousing myself and Maggie in suncream, pinching my dress from my chest and shaking it to relieve a bit of the heat. As soon as I released it, it was clinging to my sticky skin again.

Mom was on the phone to Aunt Angie and Maggie was sitting on my lap, crying with the heat. I bounced my thighs up and down, up and down, making her jump in my lap, her chubby cheeks and the baby-rolls on her arms and legs jiggling. She was just in her vest and shorts, and her bare legs clung to mine, sticky with sweat and sunblock. I moved her to my other leg.

"God, Mom, I can't deal with this any longer," I groaned exasperatedly and Maggie agreed with another wail. She'd definitely reached the terrible twos stage, but, then again, I thought all stages were pretty terrible. Technically she wasn't two for another month or so, just after my own birthday in fact, but she was an early bloomer apparently.

"I know. I know, baby, but what do you want me to do?" She replied with a shrug of her shoulders. She focused her attention on the phone again, "Yes, it's ridiculous! Since when does Forks get hit with heat like this?… Oh, yes. Yes, that's a great idea, Ange," She trilled with a wipe to her forehead. She moved the phone a little away from her ear to fill me in, "Aunt Angie has just suggested we go to the lake to cool off. The whole family. Isn't that a great idea, Bells?"

Jake and Emily, the little eavesdroppers, came bursting into the room, manically dancing and raucously bellowing, "Yeah, the lake, the lake!"

"Sure," I had to raise my voice over them for her to hear me.

I was bored stiff anyway. Alice was spending the day with Jasper, Leah had gone to visit her Grandma for the weekend and Riley was hanging out with his friends. I hated that it didn't bother me anymore.

A few months ago I would've stomped my foot and kicked up a fuss for him not wanting to spend time with me. But I didn't really faze me nowadays. Maybe I was growing, or maybe just outgrowing him. I tried not to dwell on it too much. I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. For now, I was content to spend my day lazing with my family, soaking up some vitamin D and forgetting everything boy related. Or at least try to.

So thats how we ended up at the lake at 2 o'clock on a Saturday.

I had on a yellow polka-dot two-piece bikini and a white dress over the top and flip-flops, but I'd kicked them off as soon as we arrived at the lake. Lush green grass beneath my toes and the sun hot on my skin.

And Edward.

I guess he constituted as family now 'cause he was there, too. With Vickie, of course, but that was okay.

Aunt Angie and Mom weren't exactly his biggest fan, but they tolerated him for Vickie's sake. She acted as if she didn't know, but it was pretty obvious.

They'd made up the following day after our impromptu sleepover and Edward's late night visit.

A sense of deja-vu had settled over me the following morning when Vic's phone had chirped from where I'd replaced it on my dressing table. She'd fumbled for it as Alice groaned and turned over in her sleep and I'd pretended to still be sleeping, my cheeks heated, but not from all the bodies in my room. More from the secrets blooming behind them. I hadn't really been able to fall asleep after Edward had left. I was too aware, too buzzed, a live wire of emotions and thoughts and feelings.

Vickie had cleared her throat and, aimlessly brushing her fingers through her hair with her free hand as if he could see it, answered it with a sleepy flourish, "Hi, hi."

She'd frowned and nodded her head along with whatever he was saying on the other end and I'd hummed in my fake-sleep. She'd turned her back to me then and, grabbing the dressing gown I'd been wearing the night before off of the back of the door, slipped out of the room.

I'd pretended to be asleep until she came back in with flushed cheeks and a smile that made my stomach kind of queasy. The kind that just didn't waver, that radiated love and happiness, the untouchable kind.

I'd wanted to scream.

But, instead, I'd faked a yawn and a stretch and rolled out of bed with fake sleepy-eyes and fake smiles as she gushed about their reconciliation.

Things went back to normal after that. Seemingly.

Now that I'd witnessed the cracks, I was always looking for them, waiting for new ones. Wishing for them.

He smiled when he saw me and my stomach fluttered. I was glad for the dress and the floppy straw hat and the heart-shaped sunglasses 'cause his smiles made me queasy —queasy-good if that was a thing— and I was afraid he'd see it written all over my face.

Mom was dipping Maggie into the lake as she squealed and thrashed her legs and Aunt Angie was lingering about Uncle Phil as he manned the disposable grill he had going on. Edward was sitting not too far away from him. The two men in a sea of women. Well, Jake, too, but he was somewhere in that lake, underneath with his friend, racing one another. Emily was in there, too, but she was huffing and puffing 'cause she had her cast and she wasn't allowed to get it wet, so she was officiating their race with her arm raised up above her so it didn't touch the water. It was kind of funny 'cause she had this little scowl on her face and her eyes kept darting to Mom to see if she was watching. She always was.

Mom had rolled up her shorts a little and I could see the strings of her swimsuit through her top, but she wouldn't take it off. No, no, she was much too self-conscious after Maggie and the 'baby-belly' she still had going on. It made no sense, we were family. We didn't care about stuff like that. We had Maggie, didn't we?

I was sitting at the edge of the lake, toeing the surface, brushing the water up my legs with orange fingernails and red toenails. I hadn't had time to change them. The air wafted at my head and when I looked up, Edward was standing over me, my floppy-hat in his hands. I patted my hair back into place, "Hey," I whined, but I didn't really care, "give it back."

He tucked it carefully behind his back and when I reached behind him to grab it, kicking up water a little with the movement of my legs, he plopped it onto his head. It balanced precariously on top, too small.

"Big head," I huffed and he made a sort of shocked laughing sound with wide, laughing eyes.

"Big head, eh?" He reiterated and I frowned at his tone.

Before I could comprehend what it implied, I was being hefted up from under my knees and back and thrown up in the air, soaring for a moment, watching Edward laugh as he stood on the river bank with a smug grin and a glint in his eyes. Probably sunshine.

I was underneath then, in my dress and sunglasses still, submerged and sodden through. I stayed there for a minute, seeing fingers and toes not too far ahead; Jake and Emily.

I puffed my cheeks out and swam out to them, weighed down in my dress, little air-bubbles escaping. I pinched Emily's toe and squeezed Jake's calf. I heard Emily squeal from above and Jake from below and bubbles came out when he did and then we were all popping up to the surface to breathe and laugh a little.

When I turned back to the shore, Edward wasn't there and then he was right there. In front of me, head above the water, sopping wet and dripping down his face, his long lashes, his shoulders bare, his t-shirt discarded on the edge of the lake. I was struggling to stay afloat, going under a little up to my chin, my dress tugging me back under. I kicked my legs furiously and wafted my arms and the white dress floated up around me, like a halo.

Edward wasn't struggling at all. He was so tall, he could reach the bottom and he was bent at the knees a little to submerge himself under a little more.

His hands found my hips, steadying me, stopping my struggle. My legs only kicked a little then and he smiled a happy, wet smile. And his lips, those lips… they looked so kissable right then. As if he could read my thoughts, he licked them and the weight of his fingers suddenly felt heavier than the dress. I was sinking, sinking, but not in the literal sense.

"Lift up," He said lowly and I obliged, lifting my arms up in the air slowly, looking into those eyes.

His fingers ghosted along my hips, my waist, over the band of my bikini top, armpits. I squirmed and smiled a little 'cause it sort of tickled and he smiled at my wriggling as his fingers ghosted higher, hooking the heavy dress with agile fingers and sliding it along my arms, over my head. He balled it in his hands and kept it there. Like an anchor. I think maybe I needed it, too.

My sunglasses were askew from the manoeuvre so I pushed them quickly up onto my head, blinking away droplets of water caught in my eyelashes.

I grabbed the dress from him and with a quick "thank you," I dipped under the water and swam to the shore, heart beating rapidly, skin alive and prickling with… something. Maybe, I was burning in the sun, but it didn't feel the same.

I swam quickly to the edge, throwing my dress in the grass first, hoisting myself up and around second. Edward was watching me, treading carefully towards me, as if afraid. Of what? His face was partially submerged up to just below his nose, his cupids bow. Puffing water out of his mouth as he stalked like a predator. Did that make me his prey? His eyes said so… but Vickie who was eating a burger behind me said otherwise.

I blinked and he was in front of me, a careful distance from the outside, but underneath the water his fingers grazed my toes, my calf.

"Red and orange?" He said, but he couldn't see my toes so I wondered how he knew. Had he been looking before I'd been launched into the water?

"I didn't have time-…"

"I like it," He said and I was about to roll my eyes and laugh at the absurdity of… everything, but his eyes were sincere and his tone was sincere and he was… sincere.

"Thank you."

I pulled the red heart-shaped glasses from the tangled mass of wet curls on my head and grabbed his discarded t-shirt from besides me. He watched with a raised eyebrow and a half-smile as I cleaned my glasses with it, shining them with deft fingers and a cheeky smile. I breathed on them a little, but my eyes were fixed on his as they fogged up with warm breath. I bit my lip to hide my smile as I finished buffing them out.

He smiled then, big and happy, before it morphed into a mischievous grin and he grabbed my calf again, harder, tighter, tugging a little until I was scooted to the edge of lake, teetering.

"What are you doing?" I laughed, panic seeping into it. I wiggled my butt back, trying to resist his pulling. It only served to make him pull harder.

"Edward, cut it out," I laughed nervously and pulled my free leg back, trying to twist away from his grasp.

"Foods ready!" Uncle Phil called from behind us and Edward let go of me long enough for me to stumble to my feet, laughing and falling and trying to run away as I heard the droplets hitting the water as he lifted himself up and out.

I didn't make it very far before he grabbed me from around my waist, lifting me up as I squealed and he tickled my sides and jerked me about a little. He was singing _Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-dot Bikini_ quietly near my ear, so low I wasn't sure the others could hear it, but combined with his incessant tickling, I was laughing freely and wildly, without abandon. His arms around me, my feet against his calfs, his hands on my chest, mine clutching his earnestly.

I could feel all of him against all of me. It was a dizzying thought.

"Ed-Edward get off of me!" I squealed through fits of laughter and he finally set me on my feet. I swayed a little dizzily for a moment and he steadied me carefully, laughing as freely as me. His fingers pressed lightly against the little heart-shaped birthmark in-between my shoulder blades and my eyes cut to Vickie.

She was eyeing me curiously from her perch on the floor and my laughing ceased, died right their on my lips. Edward's died, too, not long after when he saw what I was looking at.

He cleared his throat and dropped his hands, rubbing them through his wet, tousled hair, dousing me in little droplets like a dog did when it shook off.

I wrapped my arms around my chest, feeling exposed all of a sudden in my little bikini, Edward's droplets running down my skin.

Edward walked over to Vickie, plopping down behind her, wrapping his arms around her from behind. He leant his head on her shoulder, kissed her cheek and whispered something in her ear that made her smile. When he'd finished his little display, his eyes moved up to mine, solemn for some inexplicable reason.

I moved along to Uncle Phil and let him fix me a plate of food. I sat and ate it quietly, feeding little bits to Maggie even though she had her own plate. Apparently, she preferred mine.

"Someones hungry," Aunt Angie had laughed and started pushing Uncle Phil out of the way as they bickered over the food.

I finished it off as the sun started setting. Orange and red like my nails.

I was about to grab a bottle of water from the cooler bag we'd brought when Vickie's hand reached out from beside me, snagging the bottle I was just reaching for. I backtracked and then started for another one, a little dismayed.

She uncapped it quickly, watching me, and took a quick sip. I slowly undid mine, watching her as she watched me.

"I didn't realise you and Edward were that close," She spoke, empty and cool, downplaying her suspicions and… was that jealousy?

"We're not," I said airily, but my facade was transparent apparently 'cause her eyes narrowed a little and she pursed her lips.

I don't know why I lied.

Edward and I _had_ been getting close recently, but, for some reason, I wanted to keep that between us and clearly Edward did, too. Otherwise, he would have told her already.

I wondered why he hadn't.

It seemed odd that he'd keep things from her. They'd always been so close. What had changed? I thought about what he'd said the other night, how he didn't know about anything anymore… Now that I thought about it, I realised he'd never answered me when I'd suggested Vickie as one of those things. What did that mean?

"Could've fooled me," Vickie said, breaking me out of my reverie, and took another sip, jutting her hip out, standoffish and brash. We'd never been like this before. Not for real.

"We're just messing around," I said, but it sounded like the other way. The one in the sheets.

Vickie eyed me up and down like I was a threat as opposed to a cousin, a best friend. Was I? A threat? I looked at Edward, lounging back in a foldable deck-chair from across the other side of the little space we'd occupied, and he was watching us with curious, worried eyes. I didn't know, but I hoped and that was wrong enough. I shouldn't want to be a threat to their relationship.

I jumped a little when Vickie popped the cap off of her water bottle again, breaking me out of the far-away eyes I was making in Edward's direction. Had she caught me? The way she stalked away had me thinking so.

I had another small serving of food upon Uncle Phil's insistence and ate it quietly, contemplating Vickie's behaviour —and Edward's for that matter— and, when I realised I was tearing the bun apart as opposed to eating it, I snook away whilst everybody was preoccupied with laughing and sharing stories and fussing over the baby. We still called her that; the baby. I took myself to the lake's edge again.

I hadn't bothered putting my flip-flops back on, or anything else for that matter since it was all sopping wet thanks to Edward, but the sun had mostly dried the bikini I was wearing. I swung my legs over the edge again, dipping my toes into the murky pools of still sunshine-warm water. Calm and tranquil in the absence of our earlier frolicking. The tips of my toes sent spirals of rippling water oozing out towards the centre and I watched them with curious, glazed-over eyes, wondering how I was going to get myself out of this one.

Vickie knew about us. Except there was no 'us' for her to know about. There was only me… and him.

I cursed and fisted a handful of grass as duckweed and milfoil tickled the bottoms of my feet.

"What did the grass ever do to you?" Edward, of course, hands stuffed in the pockets of his shorts, toes bare, legs bare, chest bare, arms sinewy, hair ruffled and wet from earlier.

I leant sideways to look past him, but the others were packing our stuff away into the car in the distance and Emily and Jake were chasing each other through a field of foxtail weeds and star thistle. The disposable barbecue was puffing fumes into the air and grey ash hindered the orange embers that were burning earlier.

I released the grass I'd been holding and futilely dusted off my green-stained palms.

I turned forward and brought my feet out of the water, hugging my knees into my chest. It was getting cooler now, and as much as the heat was bothering me earlier, I missed it.

With my back to Edward, I couldn't see him, but I could hear the sound of his bare feet kicking grass, as if debating what he should do, and then a sigh as he came forward to sit besides me.

"Do you mind?" He said, but he was already sitting, leaning back on his hand a little as if he would get up if I told him to.

I shrugged and continued looking out over the water.

"Why aren't you helping pack-up?" I asked quietly.

"I was," He said, clearing his throat, "we didn't want to disturb you."

"Funny, 'cause you seem to be doing just that," I regretted the snarky-ness of my tone immediately, but I was mad for some reason and he was the one who'd come to me.

He was silent for a beat and then, "Isabella, did I do something wrong?"

I clenched my jaw and tried my hardest to ignore him, but its damn near impossible to ignore someone like Edward. The lost, pained look on his face had me near spilling my guts out to him. Nearly.

"No. No, it's not you. It's just—" I sighed, defeated.

"Just what?" His hand found mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I watched it for a second, too caught up in his out-of-character gesture. Not that I was complaining, mind you.

"Something Vickie said earlier."

Edward took a deep breath, "I saw you guys talking. What did she say? It looked kind of… intense."

I snorted, "Yeah, you could say that."

"What was it?"

I shook my head, "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I mean, she was being really… obtuse."

"Obtuse?"

I glared at him, "Yes, Polly the parrot."

"Sorry," He said with a frown and his gaze dropped to our clasped hands. He dropped it as if it burned him and it left me feeling cold and dirty somehow. I rubbed my hands along my thighs as if to rub the feeling away with the friction, "What was she being obtuse about?"

"Us."

"Us? Oh, sorry," He said with an apologetic smile and he zipped his lips. The tips of his ears were pink and I wondered idly if he was burnt or just embarrassed.

I smiled, but it was small, "She was wondering when we'd become so close."

"Oh."

I nodded dumbly and bit my lip.

"What did you say?"

I sighed, "I said we weren't."

He gulped, "Why?"

I shrugged and fiddled with my fingers, "I don't know. I just— I didn't want to have to explain myself to her, you know? I mean, it's not as if we're doing anything wrong, right?"

"Right," Edward agreed with a solemn nod of his head, but his eyes were cast down.

"Edward?"

His gaze shot up to mine, greener than the explosion of green landscape surrounding us, sparkling in the low sun. I could see my reflection in them they were so clear and wide, looking at me, taking me in, waiting for me to reply…

"I was just wondering why you never told her about that night you helped me or," I cleared my throat, "or the one on my back porch or the milkshake…"

He blinked slowly at me and frowned, "I guess I figured it was no big deal."

 _No big deal._

And I realised something in that moment.

What I'd mistakenly thought was Edward wanting to keep whatever was growing between us to ourselves, was really him just not caring, not feeling, not reciprocating.

And, like that, I was reminded how the little rendezvous' that left little imprints on my heart, meant little more to him than trivial, fleeting moments with his girlfriends child cousin.

I stood up quickly, dusting off stray strands of grass and dirt. My heart-shaped sunglasses stared up at me from besides him. I ignored them. They were stupid anyway.

He looked up at me and there was a sense of sorrow and worry in his frown.

"I've got to go," I said lowly. My voice wavered and I hated it.

His face contorted, but I didn't stick around to figure out why.

I walked quickly across the clearing, ignoring the scrapes of the thorny weeds on my ankles and toes. Tears prickled my eyes and I dashed them away quickly.

I helped Mom strap Maggie into her baby seat and climbed in up front, keeping my head down when the others said their cheery goodbyes.

I smiled politely and nodded graciously at them for the company and food and promised I'd see them soon. I ignored Edward's imploring eyes and the thin set of his lips as he said goodbye in a low, gravelly voice to us all.

I didn't even look up at him.

I felt sick.

Mom noticed.

"Are you feeling okay, honey?" She said with a hand to my forehead, "You're burning up."

I could feel Edward's eyes on me as we finished packing up the car.

I nodded glumly and gave her my most reassuring smile, "It's just the heat."

She pursed her lips and put the cooler bag in the trunk.

Emily leaned over the back seat, resting her chin on her hands, "Can we get slushes on the way home, Mom? I'm still hot."

"I want a milkshake!" Jake popped up besides her, hitting her plastered arm a little. She frowned and rubbed at it.

My eyes cut to Edward and he was looking back at me as he helped Uncle Phil pack their car.

My cheeks flamed.

"We'll see," Mom acquiesced.

The pair both rolled back to their seats, their friend squeezed in between them.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, honey?"

My gaze quickly cut to hers and I realised I'd been staring at Edward's back.

I cleared my throat, "No, I'm actually not feeling too great. Can we just go home, please?"

I heard Emily's and Jake's protests from within the car, but I ignored them.

"Of course," She said, closing the trunk with a worried frown. She squeezed my shoulder and said another quick goodbye before we were off.

"Hope it's not the food, Isabella!" Uncle Phil joked and I smiled appeasingly. I could see Edward's worried face but I tried to ignore him.

If he could do it so easily, I could too.

* * *

 **A/N: Life has been beyond hectic lately, so although I'm sorry for the lack of updating over the last few weeks. I'm kinda not 'cause life takes over sometimes and thats okay. Just know that I love you all dearly. Seriously, peeps. I get the cheesiest smile with every notification I get.**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Brian Hyland.**


	9. 9: I Only Lie When I Love You

**Chapter 9: I Only Lie When I Love You**

If there was one thing I was grateful for, it was that I was a summer baby.

It was warm enough to wear a dress and wedges, even though my hair got a little frizzy in the heat and stuck to the nape of my neck. I peeled it off frequently and blew the curls forming around my temples away.

It was sticky hot, like it had been all summer, but it was different because I was another year older.

Seventeen.

Mom asked, "Do you feel older, baby girl?"

But I couldn't answer.

I didn't look older and I didn't necessarily feel it.

I felt the same when I examined myself in the mirror when I woke up, smiling and frowning at my reflection, looking for changes, anything. Nothing. I felt the same when I saw Alice and Leah. When the kids handed me my presents excitedly, and then when they eagerly took them off of me again to open them for themselves. When Rose came over with Emmett and he wrapped me in his beefy arms and spun me around, setting me lightly on my feet that weren't teetering like they were when I was fourteen and wearing wedges for the first time. When Vickie came around with Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil and kissed my cheeks and told me what a lovely young lady I was turning into. My ensuing smile was timid but warm, yet I still felt the same. When Riley came in with a builders knock and a boyish grin, his blonde hair gelled and a little gift bag in his hand that I just knew his Mom had picked out, I didn't feel it. When Dad came around with a bouquet of flowers for me and for Mom, and she'd blushed and asked what for and he'd said for giving him the most amazing daughter, I felt it a little. But when Edward came through the door with the easiest of grins and a strawberry milkshake in hand, I felt it. It was in the eyes. He didn't look at me like a little kid, he looked at me like an equal.

My mom raised her eyebrow as she eyed the milkshake, but she didn't have time to question it because I was laughing and taking it from him with sparkly pink nails.

He looked down at my toes, "Matching this time, are we?" He smiled, all lopsided and warm as he eyed my matching sparkly pink toenails.

I rolled forward in my wedges a little closer to him, "Thought I'd rise to the occasion."

"Rise you did, Milkshake Girl. Is it just me or are you, like, taller than yesterday?" He joked as I slurped my milkshake.

I laughed and shook my head at his lame joke, "I'm seventeen, Edward, not seven."

I remembered how, each year, back when I was just a kid, Mom and Dad would get me to lay out on the floor, toes pointing, fingers reaching and they'd say, 'my, my, you've got bigger, girl' and I'd squeal and laugh so high and bright and they'd laugh and kiss my cheeks at the same time and wish me the happiest of birthdays. And I did, always.

This year was like any other, but it wasn't.

"Happy Birthday, Bella," He said and his hand squeezed my arm gently.

"Thank you, Edward," I said as I wrapped my lips around my straw. He watched the movement with hooded eyes and then, shaking his head, walked into the kitchen where my father greeted him with a clap on the back and a bottle of beer.

It didn't escape my notice that he didn't take one sip all night long. Nobody noticed. Nobody but me it seemed.

I was unconsciously always aware of where Edward was in a room, what he was doing, what he wasn't doing. It was unnerving and reassuring all at once. My skin would prickle, my heart would go into overdrive and I could physically feel his presence. My heart beating so hard and fast in my chest, fluttering around in there like a papier-mâché butterfly. One look, one touch and it would soar. Or crumble.

When nobody was looking, Alice poured a little Vodka into my milkshake and Leah giggled from behind me as she planted wet kisses on my cheek and professed her undying love for me. They were tipsy smiles and sunshine high.

The back door was open wide and sunlight still streamed in, but it had dimmed somewhat compared to what it had been like that afternoon and the breeze was gentle and warm. I took small sips of my strawberry-vodka-milkshake concoction and swept my hair over my shoulder frequently.

Alice and Leah were laid-back and cool in shorts and tiny tops, but I felt pretty dressed up in my pale blue dress with the cut-out back and tan wedges, even though I had strap marks across my back from wearing a bikini all month long.

Mom made my favourite blueberry cake with vanilla buttercream frosting and Maggie helped me blow out the candles, although I was pretty sure she basically just spat all over the thing, much to Mom's amusement and my dismay.

I ate a tiny slice and drank the drinks Alice or Leah handed me with a secret wink. By the end of the night, my eyes were drooping-happy and my filter was long gone, but my smile lingered all night long.

I was surrounded by family and friends and I was another year older and I really couldn't be any happier.

So when Mom said to make a wish and I pretended to be sober, I pursed my lips, closed my eyes and leant forward, stalling for a moment, thinking, thinking until I was sure I was frowning and everyone around me was silent, waiting. Riley's fingers swept my hip and I blew with Maggie.

There was only one thing to wish for really.

And when I opened my eyes, I was looking right at him.

* * *

I went to bed with the biggest, crazy-happy smile as Alice and Leah and Vickie and Rose lay around me, giggling and gossiping and doing everything that girls did when we had a sleepover. Top and tail. Rose and Leah's toes were on either side of my head and, behind their feet, were Vickie's and Alice's grinning faces.

We were making patterns on the ceiling with our hands in the dim light. I made a butterfly 'cause I was lame, but Alice won with her perfect bunny hopping all over the place and she was trying to teach us how to do it.

"Just bend your fingers like this," She was saying and demonstrating and I was smiling at her with boozy-eyes and the laziest of grins between toes that belonged to Rose.

She was so strange. The best strange though.

She was making bunny shadows on my ceiling 'cause they were her favourite animal and she was a cheerleader and her favourite colour was pink, but her hair was box-died black and she'd cut it choppy and short and her nose was pierced with a tiny silver stud. Her ears were pierced a gazillion times over and she promised that as soon as she was of age, she was going to get a tattoo on her hip swooping down onto the top of her thigh. She wanted me to design it because I was 'artsy'. Her nails were always, always black. Her wrists were covered in a hundred bracelets of concerts that she'd never been to, but desperately wanted to go to. She'd gotten them off her brother mostly, and the rest she'd bought online. Her fingers were covered in rings that left little green stains behind because they were mainly fake, except the one on the index finger of her right hand. That one was her grandmothers before she passed away. She was almost always high, and, if not, she was drunk and high. Sometimes she'd sniff coke, but I tried to ignore that part.

I called her a cliché for it and she called me a bore.

Maybe I was, I didn't really know.

She gave me the cheesiest, full mouth grin and stuck her tongue out at me.

"You're such a dork," Leah said to her and Alice kicked her arm.

"Loveable dork," She conceded.

Leah guffawed and smacked her foot away.

I loved my girls. I told them that and there must've been a collective, unanimous, telepathic conversation because the next minute I was at the bottom of a pile up of bodies, laughing and wheezing and unable to breath, but oh-so happy.

Alice was right on top of me and she was planting drunken kisses all over my face and the others wherever they could reach, murmuring in sickly-sweet voices how much they loved me and 'happy birthday, birthday girl'.

I was the luckiest girl alive.

* * *

We were still awake when the boys threw a stone at my bedroom window.

I fretted a little about it smashing or waking Mom up, but I knew it would be okay. She could sleep through anything and Rose assured me of that.

"Besides, Mom knows that you're having a sleepover," She said convincingly, "if it did somehow wake her, she'd probably think we were just messing around."

And Rose knew these things 'cause she'd lived through it all already with Mom.

We all rushed to the window, tripping over our own feet, laughing and collapsing into it simultaneously. It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness. The dim, flickering streetlamp the only source of light besides the glow of the moon. I squinted and rubbed my eyes.

And there they were. Two very different forms standing at the end of my driveway, smiling like the biggest pair of goons.

Rose actually giggled and it made me smile because she was never like this anymore, but she was looking down at Emmett with a twinkle in her eye and the biggest grin. His answering smile wasn't like any I'd seen on him before, dimples and cuteness.

Maybe I really was drunk.

Anyone who thought of Emmett's huge, hulking form as 'cute' was seriously out of it.

Edward was besides him, hands stuffed in his pockets shyly and the timidest of smiles on his lips. The starkest contrast to the tattoos and the piercings and the devilishly handsome looks he had.

My eyes cut to Victoria besides me as she leaned on the windowsill, trying to heft the window open. I slid under her arm and brushed her fingers away gently.

Ever since that day at the lake, I'd been treading eggshells with her. Afraid she'd somehow know what I wished she wouldn't. Sometimes I felt like it was written all over my face, when I zoned out, when she caught me staring at him a little. I'd quickly avert my eyes as she quirked her brow at me and I'd smile like I had no idea.

After my little birthday bash, they'd both gone back to Emmett's for a few drinks presumably, and the girls had pestered them to come back when my mom and the kids were asleep.

I caught a flash of headlights up the street before they flicked off just around the corner. Jasper most likely.

He came strolling casually up to the two men outside my window and I couldn't help the laugh that burst forth. I threw my hand over my mouth to catch it somehow and Vickie jabbed me in the side as she moved out of my way. I lifted the window with deft fingers and it opened with a creak.

"How cliché of you," Alice jibbed from over my shoulder.

"You call, I come, baby," Emmett tittered, waggling his eyebrows. He had a box of sorts in his arms.

We laughed a little and he simpered up at us with his beaming smile, Edward and Jasper silent besides him.

I saw Emmett's eyes cut to me, "Well, you gonna let us in then, birthday girl?"

I rolled my eyes and ducked beneath arms as I carefully left the room, Alice following like a shadow.

As soon as I turned the deadbolt and lifted the latch, Alice was leaping out and throwing herself into Jaspers arms. He caught her seamlessly, without thought or effort, like he knew it was coming. I didn't know how he knew anything was coming with that girl. She was constantly inconstant.

They'd been together since we were kids and that seemed to be her only constant, besides Leah and I. Her life was a revolving door of change.

She kissed him and I turned my head.

I looked towards my bedroom window and the girls had moved away from their perch, but Leah was still there, watching us.

Edward and Emmett moved forward.

"Hey," I said and I felt awkward now that I didn't have the others with me. My feet were bare and I stared at them, rolling on my heels slightly in the gentle breeze.

Emmett ruffled my hair and Edward watched with an amused grin.

"Hey, yourself," Emmett was grinning wide and obviously drunk. I spied the set of keys Edward was twirling around his finger and relaxed. Emmet threw his arm over my shoulder and squeezed, juggling the box in one hand, "I'm sort of feeling like I'm in that movie where the guy repeats the day over and over again. You know, 'cause I've somehow ended up back here? Ah, what's it called again?" He mused.

I laughed and folded my arms over my chest. It was chilly now and I was clearly used to the burning sun we'd been blessed with over the last few months, "Groundhog Day?" I snorted.

He clicked his fingers, "Bingo!"

I snorted and shook my head, "You really are the biggest dork."

"Big? Yes. Dork? No, little sis. Just incredibly intelligent."

"Clearly," Edward murmured and my eyes cut to him. He had one foot on the porch steps, stretching a little, and was smiling at me with a glint in his eyes.

And suddenly I felt like I was in that movie, too, transported back to that night a few weeks ago. Edward on my doorstep, drunk and adorable.

We crept back indoors and, although the alcohol was making me brave, I still hushed the others as we passed my mom's room.

The girls were sitting demurely on the bed, pjs and mussed hair and clear-faced.

We stayed up late, hushed voices and low giggles and slow-blinks. I'd fetched spare blankets from the linen-closet on the landing and we'd organised them on the floor haphazardly. I had one wrapped around Leah and I's shoulders and the other couples shared their own as they whispered lowly to one another.

I had my back against the side of my bed and, although it was hurting my back, I was too tired to care.

Leah was staring at me.

"What?" I rebuked, rubbing my cheek and sleepy eyes. I looked at the pads of my fingers but they were clean. I don't know why I expected to see lipstick stains, but my eyes flickered to Edward at the thought.

"Why isn't Riley here?"

I shrugged half-heartedly, "I don't know."

"Did you ask him?"

"No."

"Well, that's why."

I eyed her curiously, "What's it to you?" But it was easy and calm.

It was her turn to shrug now, "No reason."

She was fidgeting with the too-long sleeves of her pyjama top. I raised my eyebrow at her.

"Fine. It's your birthday, your boyfriend should be here."

"So there is a reason."

She ignored me, "Call him. I'm sure he'd want to be here. It looked like he didn't want to leave earlier," She watched as I mulled it over, "Besides, wouldn't he be pissed that you didn't invite him back?"

"It's my birthday."

"Exactly."

I sighed and snuggled further into the feathery down, "Fine."

She snorted, sarcasm lacing her tone when she spoke, "Don't get too excited. It was just a suggestion."

I smiled sleepily, "I know."

The truth was that I wasn't really sure I wanted Riley there to begin with. It seemed natural that he'd be at my birthday party, so I had to. But there, with my friends and family, drinking and chatting and playfully joking, he didn't fit in. Or maybe I just didn't want him to.

It seemed silly, dragging it out, delaying the inevitable. But I really did like Riley. He was cool and nice and he showered me with affection and love and I liked that. I liked him. If I even entertained the possibility of ending it, I was admitting my feelings for Edward and omitting my safety blanket.

Emmett nudged my arm from the other side of me and I blinked out of my stupor, "Your drink's looking pretty empty there, birthday girl."

"It's past twelve," I retorted with a smile, "it's not my birthday anymore."

"Potato, Potatoe."

I lifted my cup up and shook it a little, "Besides, my cup is half-full, thank you very much."

I'd had enough already. I could feel the effects of the alcohol saturating my skin, bone-deep. My head was pounding.

He lifted his hands in the universal sign of surrender, "Whatever you say, birthday girl." He said the last bit with a wink.

I breathed a laugh and then turned back to Leah. She looked a little flushed with a small smile she was trying to hide, "What are you smiling at?"

She brushed a hand through her hair with a shaky laugh, "Nothing, its just the drink," She said, brandishing it with a little shake. It sloshed down her hand and she huffed and attempted to lick it off. I snorted and stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"Let me get you a cloth," I said as I unfurled myself from the blanket.

I tip-toed carefully passed all the bodies and crept down the stairs, trying to evade creaky steps with bated breath.

The bottom floor was dark, besides the subtle light pouring in from the kitchen window, but I didn't bother to flick the lights on. My head felt woozy and I suddenly didn't feel all too great. Light wasn't going to help that.

I padded lightly into the kitchen, the tiles cool beneath my feet. I filled a glass with water and took a few small sips, resting my hands on the counter to right myself.

I didn't feel drunk anymore. But I didn't feel right either.

There was a creak from the stairway and I took another sip of my water, figuring one of the girls had come to check on me.

I stayed where I was, eyes squeezed shut, fingers gripping the counters edge and the glass tighter with each passing second.

"Are you okay?" The deep husk of Edward's voice made me jump and squeal a little and when I turned to face him, he was closer than I'd anticipated. The glass I'd been holding hit his chest, tilting and spilling down his front and onto the floor. The puddle spread and grew, reaching the tips of my bare toes. The front of his shirt was soaked through and my eyes widened in disbelief.

"Oh, god," I moaned and stepped forward to help somehow. My foot slipped and I wafted my hands to gain my balance, but it was futile.

Edward was there then, grabbing me around the middle, stopping me from falling backwards, pulling me towards him. His movement was too quick, too jarring.  
His foot slipped where mine had, his arms still encircling me, and he toppled backwards with me in his arms. He reached behind him blindly, the thick bands of muscle in his arms straining as he got purchase of the counter with one hand, holding the pair of us up.

"Wow," He breathed out.

I laughed shakily as I looked at the place where his t-shirt had risen up a little. His chest shook with laughter beneath my palm and I looked up a little dizzily. He was grinning down at me and the little piercing in his eyebrow was sky-high in shock.

I stared back at him, my face mirroring his shocked one, and I thought about what he'd said at the lake the other week.

 _No big deal._

My smile fell.

I tried to pull back, away from him and his smile and his face and his arms and his words, and my toes slid a little further into the wetness. He held me tighter and his smile was gone now, too.

His fingers burned my hip. Skin on skin.

The glass was smushed up between our chests, aching and digging in and probably leaving horrible red welts behind. I could feel his heart beating so fast beneath my fingertips and I felt powerful and powerless all at once. His breath fanned my face and his cologne was intoxicating me. I couldn't breathe.

The overhead light flickered on and we blinked a little, dazed with the sudden intrusion. We both looked up at the same time.

My eyes widened and I worked to keep my composure, but it was pretty hard with Edward holding me so close and tight, with his heart beating right there beneath a thin, wet layer of cotton and his fingers ghosting over my skin. I gulped, "Riley?"

He didn't speak. His jaw was clenched tight and his eyes were accusing. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to look big I assumed and although Edward was rather lean and nowhere near as big as Emmett, Riley had nothing on him. It just served to make him look pretty stupid.

I squirmed a little and tried to push off of Edward's chest. He righted himself, slowly bringing himself upright and taking his hand off of the counter. He slid his hands carefully to the tops of my arms and helped manoeuvre me around the puddle at our feet before leaping over it carefully himself.

"Sorry," I murmured as I deposited the empty glass on the worktop and unfurled a wad of paper towels around my hand, bending to wipe it up.

Edward tried to help, but Riley was suddenly in action, brushing him aside; a peacock brandishing his feathers. Didn't he realise Edward was a lion?

"I've got it," Riley said menacingly and I rolled my eyes.

Edward caught me and I gave him a timid smile, my cheeks rosy. I grabbed the dishcloth from the counter and held it out to him, "Can you bring this up for Leah? She spilled a little of her drink on herself."

He eyed me up for a second, eyes searching my face, before he sighed and took it, "Sure."

I tore off a few more sheets of tissue paper and helped Riley clean the mess I'd created.

I seemed to be doing that a lot lately; creating messes.

"What was that?" He said, low and uncaring, but the edge of bitterness in his tone belied his calm exterior.

"What was what?"

He flung the saturated tissue to the ground and it hit my hand with a resounding _smack_ , droplets of water spitting up my arm. I retracted it carefully, glaring at him as I stood and grabbed another teacloth. I wiped away the wetness that had spattered up my arm and across my chest as he glared right back.

"You know exactly what I mean, Bella. Don't play dumb."

"I'm not playing anything," I crossed my arms over my chest. It was wet from being pressed against Edward's.

"Bullshit. You were all over him."

"You're being absurd."

"Am I?"

"Yes!"

He shook his head and continued cleaning the mess up, handing me sopping wet tissues every now and again. I deposited them in the bin, frowning and silently fuming. Ashamed more than anything. Of him, of me.

He washed his hands and then sighed, turning and leaning back against the counter. He waited a while before he spoke, "I'm sorry, it's your birthday. I don't want to argue."

I didn't correct him like I'd corrected Emmett. I didn't want to fight either. I was drained.

I took his hand slowly and leant up to press a kiss against his cheek, attempting to placate, to forget, forget, forget, even though I knew it was nearly impossible to just forget about some things, some people. One person.

"I'm sorry, too."

We made our way back upstairs and I plopped down besides Leah again, making room for Riley on my other side.

Leah smiled a little shakily with pink cheeks and guilty eyes.

Riley grabbed my hand.

I stared at it for a moment and frowned.

"Why are you here?"

"What?" He chuckled.

"Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound so rude. I was just wondering why you came back over."

"You messaged me, remember?" He laughed. I frowned some more because I most definitely hadn't, "I think someones had too much to drink."

He _bopped_ my nose. Bopped it. I scrunched it up, confused, "I don't-"

My head whipped around to Leah and she had her drink pressed to her lips and was pleading with her eyes.

"Oh, yeah, I remember," I lied.

He chuckled into my hair.

It didn't take long for Alice to fall asleep. Jasper carried her carefully to my bed and tucked her in. I watched as he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as she murmured in her sleep, brushing her hair out of her face. She was peaceful like this. Serene and easy, an almost child-like state encompassing her features in her sleep. Papery lilac lids and parted pink lips. It was easy to forget all the bad stuff she did when she was like that.

He took off not too long after, leaving me with a another 'happy birthday' and a kiss on the cheek, but the others stayed for a while longer. I kept hoping Riley would leave soon, but he never did.

Rose was getting sleepy and complaining that she wanted to go to bed, but Emmett kept saying, "just a little longer, babe" as he took another swig of his beer. He'd brought a crate over for the guys to share. Edward wasn't drinking. He was designated driver he said, but I felt like there was more to it than that.

He was eyeing the crate like it had done something against him.

I couldn't pinpoint why though. Maybe I was imagining it. I was pretty tired.

Riley kissed my cheek and I smiled at the sweetness. But then I looked up and Edward was watching him with a frown, his arm thrown loosely over Vickie's shoulder as she leaned back into him with drooping eyes and a lazy smile as she spoke to an equally unhinged Rose.

Riley was squeezing my thigh and, again, Edward was watching the action. This time his face was blank, clear, a canvas.

Riley brushed my hair over my shoulder and pressed a kiss right there. He had a thing for that spot.

Edward had the face of one who walks in their sleep as his eyes brushed over the gesture. Gentle strokes of a paintbrush. Blinking slowly and then rapidly as he looked away.

Riley was looking back at him with something close to a sneer.

My stomach turned as I realised what he was doing.

Teasing him, testing him, putting on a show.

I righted my pyjama top and sent him a glare, but he was too busy leering in Edward's direction. Thankfully, Edward was too focused on staring at the ground to notice, the front of his shirt darker in patches, wet from my drink.

I shrugged Riley's arm from around me and stood up.

His head whipped around to me, "What are you doing?"

"I think I should be asking you that."

I stormed out, ignoring the worried glance Edward shot my way.

I couldn't deal with him right now.

I unlocked the door and shut it gently behind me. It was futile. The door opened a few seconds later and Riley poked his head around, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw me. I could hear Jake snoring down the hallway.

I crossed my arms over my chest and turned my back to him. That didn't deter him. He just walked around me, planting himself in front of me.

His smile dropped and he gulped before speaking lowly, so the others couldn't hear I presumed, "What's your problem?"

I huffed in disbelief, "Seriously? I'm not blind, Riley. I can see what you're trying to do in there."

He groaned, "I've been watching him, Bella. Dude keeps staring at you."

"Riley," I shook my head. The sound of the door opening behind me escaped my notice, "you're being ridiculous. He's with Victoria. My _cousin_. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"But-"

"But nothing. Seriously, Riley, Edward doesn't see me as anything but a little sister."

Technically, I wasn't lying. Edward probably didn't see me as anything other than a little sister, but that didn't necessarily mean I thought of him as a big brother.

A throat cleared behind me.

Rose.

Eyebrow raised, lips pursed, sleepy eyes now wide awake.

My eyes flickered to the cracked open doorway besides her. Emmett, Leah, Vickie… Edward, all staring at me. At us.

Edward looked pained, a sort of sadness creeping into his features and I couldn't help but think it was misplaced.

My breath stuttered on its way out. My cheeks were aflame.

 _Rhododendrons._

I looked to the end of the hallway, out of the window overlooking the back garden and there they were. Crimson. I couldn't see the white Azaleas from here.

I turned back to Rose as she stared and stared and stared.

"I-"

I didn't know what to say.

Vickie was livid. She'd sat up, fingers tangled in the blanket beneath her. She was eyeing me, but not up and down, just my face. Glaring, staring, assessing the risk.

Riley's hand curled around my wrist. I shook it off.

"Bella."

"I think you should go," I said quietly.

"Bella."

"Riley, just go." Defeated, soft sighs and lowered lids.

Wordlessly, he left, traipsing down the hall with his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets. Peacock turned lost puppy.

I turned to the others, my eyes flittering between them all, lingering on Edward, flitting over Vickie quickly.

I opened my mouth to speak again, but Rose grabbed my hand, dragging me down the hallway. Her nails pierced the skin of my wrist and I had to bite my lip from crying out. She turned, hands on her hips now, releasing me and I rubbed at the spot. She was pissed.

"What's going on Bella?" She hissed, but she didn't give me a chance to respond, "Are you out of your mind? What was all that about?"

"Rose," I interrupted, "chill."

She opened her mouth to speak again, but I cut her off, "Nothing is going on. Riley's just a little drunk and he's being a guy, okay?"

It was true. Riley _was_ just being a guy. An incredibly perceptive one, but not in the way he perceived; it wasn't Edward he should've been worried about, it was me.

"He thinks Edward's got feelings for me or something," I mumbled, all blasé, batting my hand like it meant nothing. Like it was preposterous. I rolled my eyes like it was just that; a silly tiff, a stupid thought, an impossible reality.

I wished it wasn't.

"Has he?"

I snorted, "No! Of course not!"

She pursed her lips, her features becoming soft, "What about you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked quietly, peaking over my shoulder again. The others had shut the door, giving us privacy I imagined. Probably Leah. I'd have to thank her later. I thought of her sneakily messaging Riley from my phone earlier, asking him to come over, even though she must've sensed that wasn't what I'd wanted and I decided I wouldn't thank her. She was just trying to get in my good books again after that little altercation that she'd offhandedly caused by inviting him, "What about me?"

Rose sighed and grabbed my hand, "You're my sister and I love you so much, Bella, but you don't know what you're doing, what you're getting yourself into."

"I'm not doing anything," I mumbled.

And it was true. I wasn't doing anything. Anything to stop this from growing, blooming, igniting in my chest, flourishing and beating and lying for a fragment of him that I'd never get. I thought maybe it couldn't be stopped.

"Bella," And contempt laced her voice.

I shook my head, eyes closed, "I'm not doing anything, Rose."

Her finger stroked the apple of my cheek and I realised she was wiping traitor tears away. Her fingers curled a strand of hair behind the shell of my ear, "Oh, sweetie."

She pulled me into her. Warm and soft and family. I breathed into her shoulder, letting the tears fall. Silent but loud, resonating within me.

 _No big deal._

I pulled back, wiping my cheeks and aimed for solemnity, "Riley's being a guy. That's all. He's imagining things."

Rose sighed, "Okay."

My eyes shot to hers, "Okay?"

"If you think thats all it is, then I believe you."

I nodded slowly, my eyes wide.

"Good."

 _Good._

Lies weave vines of mottled ivy, encroaching over my chest, snaking around my heart. Constricting, tightening until I can't breathe. Can't breathe.

Family, friends, myself. Because I'm lying to myself more than anyone. It all adds to it, all piles on. New threads formed, growing with each lie. A multitude of colours; soft white, light yellow, deep green, red. Fire. The rhododendrons sway in the breeze and they're hissing, whispering, laughing, taunting.

And when we reenter the room, all is quiet, but my heart is twisting.

A lie choking it.

"Well, that wasn't awkward at all." Edward, smiling at me, but he's sweating and he looks pale. And I think maybe these vines are his vice, too, but that's impossible.

A thread is cut with his words, relieving me.

I breathe.

* * *

 **A/N- I know I said chapters would be short and sweet in chapter 1, but I get a bit carried away with myself sometimes so they may not be short, but I hope they're still sweet. Also, lets just pretend that Forks is sunnier than it really is. It's a lot more fun that way.**

 **This has been kind of a big week for MG (well, big for me) and I'm honestly so grateful for the rec's and reviews and alerts; it's so lovely and crazy simultaneously to hear that you guys are actually enjoying this. So, with that said, I'm sat here with a large glass of Rosé (even though it should be the last thing I'm doing but hey-ho) and I'm humbled and rambling but grateful nonetheless.**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Royal Blood. Seriously, go check them out. I saw them in concert a few years ago and they were amazing.**

 **Hearts.**


	10. 10: Pretty Maids All In A Row

**Chapter 10: Pretty Maids All In A Row**

"Boys are so stupid."

I didn't know if that was true.

Sure, plenty of boys had done plenty of things that constituted stupid to me, but that didn't mean they were stupid as a whole… breed? Yeah, breed sounded as right as anything to me.

There was Jake, my dad, Riley and maybe even Edward.

They'd all done pretty stupid things, but did that mean to say that all boys were stupid? I didn't know. Maybe it was just the ones I knew. Forks wasn't exactly very dynamic in terms of its gene pool. Everybody here was born here mostly, besides an odd few, Edward included. Once you were born into a town like Forks, you never tended to leave, to stray away. It was frowned upon. If anything, I thought _that_ was pretty stupid. Even though I knew that Forks was it for me, others shouldn't have been condemned to stay just because their families preferred it that way.

Take Alice for instance. She knew she didn't want to spend her life here, knew there was more for her out there, and as much as it hurt, it was her decision to make. Her parents didn't exactly approve, but, in a year or so, she'd be old enough to move out on her own. When she had the money that was. Eighteen. It was daunting, but looming nonetheless. I'd not long turned seventeen, but eighteen only seemed just around the corner. I didn't know how I felt about it yet, but that didn't matter because it was coming regardless.

I couldn't see myself leaving Forks ever. I'd miss my family too much and the small town life, the closeness of it all. I couldn't picture myself anywhere else with nobody and nothing to tie myself to. It wasn't me. Forks was ingrained in me and I didn't see it ever lessening its hold. My dad needed me at the bar and my mom needed me to help with the kids. The girls needed me in some ways, too, as a friend and a confidant. It was just the way it was. And that was okay. I was okay with that, I thought.

I snorted like I agreed and bobbed my head awkwardly because the others were nodding and humming and it seemed like the right thing to do. We were all in my bedroom —Vickie, Rose, Alice, Leah and I— and I was sprawled across my bed, head dangling over the edge. It was pounding from being upside down. Or maybe from the conversation we were having. Probably a mixture of the two.

My view was distorted, inverted from the angle I was lying at and I could feel the blood pulsing in my ears and pounding at my temples. My fingers were drawing lazy patterns across the exposed portion of skin around my belly-button where my top had risen up. I froze when they continued.

"Tell me about it," Rose grumbled, "Em and I have one little argument over something stupid like him leaving the toilet seat up or not doing the dishes when I ask, and he thinks I'm breaking up with him." She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling like she had a secret.

Everybody laughed, but I stayed quiet, contemplating. Because I knew what was coming, why they'd brought this up.

Leah opened her mouth to contribute, but Vic beat her too it, "Leah, we all know the stupidest thing a guy has ever done to you is given you your license."

I actually cracked a grin at that because she really was that bad of a driver. The others all chortled as Leah pouted and crossed her arms, jolting the bed where she and I were sitting. Rose was perched at my desk and Alice and Vic were lounging on the floor besides her.

Alice was next.

"Jasper was with Irina fucking Davis," She said grumpily, pouting and huffing, and a laugh burst forth from me. She glared at me, but I could see the hint of a smile on her face as she sprung up and grabbed a pack of cigarettes from her bag. She hefted my bedroom window up.

I saw it as an opportunity. To divert and stall and forget the conversation.

"If my mom catches you…"

"She won't."

"But the smell…" I persisted.

"I said she won't, Bella," She mumbled around the cigarette in-between her lips and I realised it was a losing battle. She fished a lighter from her pocket and lit up, pulling the smoke into her lungs as she did. She turned to me after she'd exhaled, "Bella?" As in, _your turn._

Everybody looked towards me, waiting. I sat up, resigned, spinning around to face them. My face was red with the blood rush.

I deliberated for a second. I didn't know how to phrase it, to say the words aloud, have them know clearly without the guise of whispered, hushed voices on the landing.

"Riley thinks Edward likes me," I blurted quickly.

 _There_ , I said it.

It felt like tar on my tongue. Thick and sticky and suffocating. Like I shouldn't have said those words, shouldn't have given them a voice, much less to Vickie. It was like a secret I'd promised not to tell. Like I was admitting my own wrongdoing. It felt like they could see through this fabricated allegation to my own omission. Like a thinly veiled sheet of accusation covering the real truth, just barely visible beneath its surface. That it was the other way around; _I_ was the one who liked him.

I evaded Vickie's eye, knowing she was staring. I could feel it all over me. I could see her face, smooth and blank, in my peripheral vision. Outwardly, there was seemingly no reaction, nothing to indicate what she was feeling or thinking. But I could feel her eyes, sharp and unblinking.

I felt guilty, like it was my fault that Riley felt that way. Maybe it was.

Rose laughed shakily from my desk chair, like I'd said something funny instead of something that had the power to blow-up in my face, but she was eyeing Vickie up, assessing her reaction most likely. I chanced a glance at her.

Her face was as blank as I'd thought, but her cheeks were a little red and her lips were parted a little and I wondered if she was breathing heavily, if she was worried. No, no she wouldn't be. That wasn't her thing. She had no reason to worry. Edward was as sure as the sun, as the moon. Images of moonlight and drives and blood, porches and plaits and tears flashed through my mind. A montage.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

No, she wouldn't be worried. She'd be pissed. So, why wasn't she reacting?

I didn't know what was worse. Her non-reaction or if she'd have ranted and raved and thrown things, shouted at me, done something, anything, just to show me what she was thinking.

I sat silently, watching for some sign of emotion, waiting, plucking at a loose thread on my duvet cover.

My phone pinged from the bedside table. I dived for it, grateful for the reprieve from the thick, palpable tension my room was suddenly shrouded in.

Rose cleared her throat. I ignored her.

 _Is Vickie there? -E_

My heart was pounding. I looked up, but Vickie had joined Alice at the window and Leah was leafing through a book on my nightstand. Rose was preening herself in my mirror.

I looked back down, fingers shaking, heart racing and I had no idea why.

"Whose that?" Leah said.

I couldn't tell them as they looked at me expectantly. It would only add fuel to the fire.

I curled the phone a little more to my chest, "Nobody," She raised her eyebrow and Rose was looking at me from her reflection in the mirror, "It's just Riley." I amended.

They carried on and my body sagged with relief.

I looked at the screen again, fingers hesitating as I typed.

Why wouldn't he just message her for himself? He'd never really messaged me before. Just little things like 'Happy Birthday' and 'Any ideas for a present for Vic?' Little, inconsequential things. This seemed different somehow.

 _Yeah, why? -B_

My fingers drummed along the edge as I waited for a reply. It didn't come for a while, but when it did, my heart pounded out its same Edward-induced tune.

 _We need to talk. -E_

Vickie huffed from the windowsill, Alice's cigarette between her fingers, "Boys really are stupid."

She was looking at me pensively, her thumb smushed up against her lip as she stared, smoke billowing out of the cracked open window.

I thought maybe she knew who I was really texting, who the real culprit was for all these accusations, but then I realised that she was talking about my admission, my reason for boys being stupid. She'd heard it before, but we hadn't really fleshed it out after my birthday.

I nodded, "Riley's the worst for it. He thinks every guy has a thing for me. He blames me, as if it's my fault." I rolled my eyes like _what can you do?_

She hummed and took a long drag, staring me down as she blew it out, "Maybe he has reason to."

Astonishment. It was the only word for it. But not the good astonishment, the extra birthday present, surprise milkshake astonishment, but the astonishment that crippled you because it was Vickie saying it, family, and, above all, it was so painfully true.  
No, I wasn't exactly pursuing things with Edward, but I wasn't pushing him away either. I was perpetuating it, if anything. Allowing him to buy me milkshakes and pay for them when I lost my purse, allowing him to call around in the middle of the night and talking for hours on the back porch, going into his house when I was supposed to be out with my friends, my boyfriend… Granted, he was only helping me with my injured hands, but still. Vickie didn't know about these things, nobody did and that wasn't right, wasn't fair to her. I should've been more open, honest, or, better yet, I should've never allowed for those things to happen in the first place.

"What's that supposed to mean?" It wasn't me, but Rose. I was too shell-shocked to formulate words, my mouth hanging open a little. Just like I'd been caught. Like I had something to hide. Pink cheeks and slack-jawed, all telltale signs I was being insincere.

But I couldn't exactly tell her, have her know what her cousin was really like. _True colours_ , Mom called them. It seemed fitting. What would I even say? _Hey, Vickie, so here's the thing. I kinda, maybe have a huge crush on your boyfriend. Not the other way around, so alls good._ Yeah, no. It wasn't possible.

There was no point in even saying it outloud. It was inconceivable, the thought that Edward would even risk the consequences, his relationship, his new roots in Forks, for the likes of me. Even more so the fact that Edward was thirteen years too old…

I don't know why I thought that. It wasn't like that was the only thing that factored into this whole mess. If the age factor wasn't a major warning, then the fact that he was dating my cousin certainly sealed the deal.

And the worst part of all; it didn't mean anything. It could never be anything. I could never do that to Vickie… could I? And Edward, he loved her. He'd told me. What we had, it wasn't a _big deal._

The sting those words induced was still there, like a bee that just wouldn't quit. Or maybe a wasp, since they didn't die after just one sting. No, this sting was reoccurring, incessant.

Vickie span around, leaning back against the windowsill. She shrugged a little and the smoke was getting in my room now. I could smell it so pungently, it turned my stomach. But I couldn't focus on that right now. All I could see were her eyes, slanted and observing me. I wondered if she was looking for chinks in my armour, something to hone in on and use against me. I wondered if she knew.

"Nothing," But she looked at me like she wanted to say more, and then she did, "It's just, why would he think that if it wasn't true?"

Rose turned to face her from the mirror, "So, what? You think Edward's pining over Bella? Get a grip, Victoria. He's twenty-nine years of age and you've been with him for what? Three years? Bella's barely seventeen. If you think that, then you need a reality check."

Vickie huffed and flicked the cigarette out of the window, much to Alice's dismay. She stormed out as Alice fumed, "Hey!"

The door slammed with a resounding _thwack._ I flinched and silence descended over us.

I didn't blame Vickie. I really didn't. Sure, she was taking things out on me and being somewhat passive aggressive, but who wouldn't be in that situation? She was lashing out the only way she knew how, her emotions getting the better of her. It was to be expected. I expected it. I just hadn't expected it to be her thinking Edward was the one with feelings and not _me_. It didn't make sense.

But Vickie's reaction did. It made complete sense. I wasn't sure that if I was in her shoes, I'd be able to hold it together as well as she had. I understood. So, with that in mind, I crept silently down the stairs.

Alice and Leah were silent as I slipped out, but Rose tried to stop me, "Just give her some space. She's just going through some stuff."

I shook my head and slipped out, ignoring her advice. I'd have to face Vickie eventually and why not just rip the metaphorical band-aid off right away, get it over with?

Mom had taken the kids out to the park so it was quiet besides the small snivels coming from the living room. I peaked my head around the doorframe.

She was sitting on the couch, head in her hands, her wild red hair spilling over her shoulders, shrouding her from my view.

"Vickie?" I edged forward into the room, hesitant and stalling. Her head shot up and her eyes were rimmed red and mascara tracked her face. She didn't speak, but she wiped her tears and patted the spot besides her. I took tentative steps towards her and sat cautiously, keeping a careful distance between us.

I might've understood, but I wasn't stupid.

"I'm sorry," She said, quiet and timid, almost ashamed.

My eyes widened. I hadn't expected that. It was the furthest thing from my mind that I could've anticipated. I'd expected ranting and raving and tears, yes, but not timidness, not _sorry._

I curled my hand over her arm and squeezed gently, "Vickie, I should be the one apologising."

She laughed once, hard and false and pity lined her eyes, "Bella, you've done nothing wrong, I know that. I do. I'm just being-"

"A bitch?"

She laughed again and it was real this time, but still watery, "I was going to say silly, but bitch works, too."

"I'm sorry."

She sighed and grabbed my hands, "Bella, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into this. Riley's an idiot, but so am I for believing him."

I snorted and nodded, but I was curious, "Why _did_ you believe him?"

"I don't know. It made sense at the time. Edward's been so… distant lately."

My eyebrows shot up and I worked to try and control my reaction, "How so?"

"I don't know. I can't really explain it. I just know, you know?" She was tittering, but it was from nervousness. I shook my head a little and she continued, "He's just been pulling away recently. He doesn't-…I mean, we don't…" She sighed and shook her head, "He's just being distant."

She was struggling so I gave her a reprieve, "Riley's an idiot of the biggest proportions."

She looked at me for a moment, her green eyes flitting over my face. She sniffled a little and wiped her eyes again, "But he's your idiot and Edward's mine," She was being sincere, but I could feel my skin prickling in her hand, my heart skipping a beat and my breathing stuttering as her words hit me.

 _Mine._

"And I'm sorry for ever doubting you," She continued, "You're family. I should've known better. Is it a silly excuse of me to say that I was drunk and out of my mind?" She smiled a little waveringly and a tear hit the corner of her lip, salty and bitter I imagined, like myself.

I wanted to cry, to scream, to hate her and punish her and take everything she had, but I couldn't, wouldn't, because I loved her, too.

I shook my head and pulled her to me, hiding my face in her shoulder as she squeezed and squeezed me. I did it because I couldn't speak, couldn't formulate words that wouldn't waver or crack. I couldn't let her see my face as I broke.

I guess, sometimes, girls are stupid, too.

* * *

The girls stayed over until Mom got back with the kids and politely shooed them out. Rose left with two servings of the casserole Mom had left stewing all day for her and Emmett and a kiss on the cheek.

Dad came around later on, having a serving of it himself, but, unlike Rose, he stayed with us as we ate at the dining table. It was strange, having Dad there like that. It should've been the most natural thing in the whole world, but I couldn't help but feel out of my depth.

They hadn't been together in so long and I knew it, I just _knew_ they were getting back together. They'd always been close, even after the break-up from what I could remember, but things seemed different now, better between them, despite it never having been bad. They were hanging out more, although they wouldn't admit it. Not that I ever asked. I was too scared to hear their reply. I didn't know what would effect me more; solidifying the fact that they were actually getting back together or that they weren't. I knew it was selfish of me; I wasn't the only one going through change, but it was all so new to me and I think that afforded some semblance of prudence. Dad was coming over more often as well, staying here longer, sneakily spending the nights occasionally. It was freaky and disturbing, but kind of nice, too.

I had my phone beneath the table, reading and re-reading Edward's message. My brightness was down low and my fingers were shaking as I perused it over and over again.

 _We need to talk._

Dad cleared his throat and hit his knee against mine beneath the table. My head shot up, a deer in headlights, as he stared at me with a raised brow. Mom was giving me the same look as she spooned food from around Maggie's mouth from her perch in her highchair.

I placed the phone face-down on the tabletop, chewing my food slowly as he stared me down, "Whose got your attention besides us, kiddo?"

I shrugged casually, but my palms itched and my heart was beating too fast, "Rose was just asking if I wanted to hang out tomorrow."

 _Lies, lies, lies._

He grunted around a forkful of food, "I thought she was going out of town for the weekend with Emmett. Gone to see his parents or something?"

 _Oh, shit, shit, shit._

I was sweating, hands trembling, mind racing. My phone buzzed on the table.

 _Tonight? -E_

A double text from Edward? I tried to control my impulsive urge to scoop it up and reply and analyse and over-analyse those messages.

Dad eyed it for a moment, rolling his tongue over his teeth, his eyes flickering from the phone to me, back and forth, before he finally gave in and picked it up.

I swallowed nervously, glad I had a passcode on there at least.

"Whose E?" He asked and his thick eyebrows were drawn together as he squinted at the screen.

Mom peered over his shoulder at the screen and kept her eyes on me as she fed another spoonful to Maggie. Jake and Emily had retorted to having a burping competition on the other side of the table, but Mom and Dad were far too engrossed in our conversation to pay any mind.

"Emmett," I spoke quickly and I reached to take it off of him. He pulled it out of my way and I plopped back down into my seat with a frown.

"Emmett?" Dad grumbled, frowning and tilting the phone towards Mom again, "What's he want with you?"

I gulped and circled my spoon in my bowl. I'd barely ate any. I hadn't had an appetite since the conversation I'd had with Vickie earlier that day, and then the messages off of Edward had made it all the worse. I was itching to see him to know what he wanted, yet worried about just the same thing.

"He wanted to get Rose a present. He asked for my help." The lie was so easy on my tongue. Practiced and delivered with ease, but not. Inside, I was a mess.

"What for?" Mom asked suspiciously.

I shrugged again, aiming for blasé, but if you looked deeper, beyond the surface, you'd see my arms were shaking, my cheeks were flushed and I was pinching the palm of my hand beneath the table to better control myself, "I'm not sure. He didn't say. I told him I'd look online for ideas tonight."

Dad bought it and slid the phone across to me, but Mom was still eyeing me dubiously. She didn't bring it up again though, for which I was grateful.

"Can I be excused?" I asked carefully, dropping my spoon into my still full bowl and sliding my phone into my lap.

Dad grunted his ascent and Mom opened her mouth to protest upon seeing the contents of my bowl untouched, but Jake knocked his drink over and I was free from the scrutiny and the sweats and the unwavering sense of guilt.

The phone was like a lead weight in my hand as I took the stairs up to my room two at a time.

I delayed opening the message for a while, pacing, sitting down, pacing some more. I didn't know what to do.

I could hear pots and pans rumbling around downstairs and assumed either Mom or Dad was doing the dishes. That meant I couldn't sneak out. Not yet anyway.

I went to my window, pressing my hot hands against the cool glass, then my forehead. I closed my eyes for a second and just breathed, in and out, in and out. I opened them and the window had steamed up with my breath.

I drew a heart in the condensation and let my fingers draw patterns and shapes. Letters. Two letters. B+E.

I wiped it away with my palm, the one with the scars. The ones he'd held and cradled, cared for, nourished with his own. Hands that tended and cared for Vickie. Stroked her cheek maybe, curled around her arm, her ankle. I imagined them around her neck —or maybe they were my hands— and I felt sick at the thought. Bile rose in my throat and I opened the message he'd sent.

 _I can't. -B_

My chest felt tight and it felt like there was something lodged in my throat.

I slid from perch at the window and grabbed a fresh set of pjs before trudging to the bathroom. I showered quickly, going through the motions as I brushed my teeth and towel dried my hair. I couldn't muster the energy to dry it so I left it to deal with in the morning.

I crawled into bed and laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling. When I couldn't fall asleep, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and saw he'd replied.

 _Why? -E_

I sighed and deliberated over _why?_

Because I was too uneasy, too stubborn. I was too involved with him and I was scared of what that entailed, what that meant for me, for him, for our family, Vickie. I wanted more from him than he could ever know and that was wrong.

And that was the bottom line; it was _wrong_ of me to meet with him, to talk to him about anything without Vickie knowing. It could be about anything, something trivial like what colour he should paint his house or whether I preferred Coke or Pepsi, but even that was wrong on some level, without Vickie knowing at least. Going behind her back, being secretive and unintentionally conniving. But I knew that those weren't the sort of things he wanted to _talk_ about. No, he'd want to talk about why Riley thought those things and why his girlfriend was giving him the cold-shoulder because of me. He'd want to tell me to stop it, just stop messing with his life.

But, above all of that, I was scared. Not of him, but of myself. I didn't know if I could continue lying to him, and myself more importantly. If I continued to keep deluding myself into thinking I could forget and ignore and persevere, then I was only digging myself into a deeper hole.

My fingers hovered over the keys as I debated over what I should say. Before I could type out a reply, the phone buzzed in my hand and the screen lit up with his number.

I froze, my eyes widening as his number flashed across the screen.

I bolted upright, the duvet tangling around my legs, my wet hair clinging to my cheek.

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I let it ring out and then stared at the screen some more. The message, the missed call.

I turned my phone off and curled into a ball, cocooning myself beneath the blanket. I didn't sleep a wink the entire night.

* * *

For once in my life, I couldn't wait for school to start up again.

I'd miss the sun and the heat and the freedom, but the boredom settled in towards the end of the holidays and I'd definitely reached the pinnacle of it. There was nothing to do. I was all sunbathed out. My skin was most definitely more tan, for which I was grateful, but there was only so much sunbathing a girl could do.

I'd hung out with the girls day in and day out, and although I loved them like they were my own sisters —well, Rose technically already was— I needed a break. A day to relax and unwind before school started up again. I deliberated on what to do before finally going towards my desk. I had a copy of _The Kite Runner_ sitting on it, but after a few chapters of that, I got bored of reading. I entertained the kids for a while, but there was only so much of hide-and-go-seek a girl could take. Once they'd settled down, we watched _Labyrinth_ 'cause David Bowie was so swoony with his big hair and tight leggings and even the makeup was kinda attractive. It was a weird crush I'd festered since I was little. Mom used to make me watch it on repeat as a kid and I thought maybe she had a little crush of her own. When it got to dance scene with the goblins, we pretended Maggie was baby Toby and danced her around a little, laughing and shimmying and singing along. Maggie fell asleep before it ended though and Jake and Emily got too antsy. They couldn't sit still for too long, and so they ran off to God knows where to do God knows what.

I trudged back up to my room, resigned to the fact that there was absolutely nothing to do and school was suddenly the best thing in the whole world, when I spied the edge of my black sketchbook beneath a pile of books on my desk. I deliberated for a moment before sighing and pulling it carefully out from beneath the stack.

The edges were worn and bent and the cover was plain, covered in scratches and smudges from wear and tear. I grabbed my box of pencils from the top drawer, also hidden beneath bits and bobs. It took me a lot longer to find them than it should've.

I cranked the window all the way open to let cool, fresh air in and reclined back onto my bed, knees pulled up, feet planted, the sketchbook on my lap. The cool metal of the pencil case permeated my palms and the swirl of the breeze the open window provided made me feel better at once, calm and tranquil. A break from the sun. Everything seemed a little dimmer because I'd been out in it for so long.

I flicked my sketchpad open to a clean page and pressed my pencil to the paper. I hadn't drawn anything in a while. It took me longer than I cared to admit to get back into the swing of it, but soon I was drawing aimlessly, my pencil gliding carefully and precisely over lines, my fingers smudging areas, creating shadows and definition.

It had been so long since I'd been able to sit down and do this. Or, more likely, had the motivation to. I flicked back a few pages and saw they were all from over a month ago.

Drawing was just something I did to pass time, when I was bored or feeling remotely creative. I preferred to draw on skin. My thigh or the inside of my wrist, or Alice or Leah's. Sometimes I'd draw on Emily or Jake, but they were too fidgety and restless, so I'd scrapped that idea after the first attempt; a wolf on Jake's arm and a rose on Emily's hand. Alice was my favourite, or myself. She liked to pretend they were actual tattoos and let me practice anything I wanted on her, unlike the others. She didn't care, as long as the outcome was pretty, she was down.

Mom hated it. The ink, the black stains on my skin for days, but I didn't care. It was just a bit of pen on paper-skin. It wasn't like it was a real, permanent, tangible thing. A shower and a good scrub did the trick. Even so, I tended to stick to my thigh. Things she couldn't see, nobody could see unless I let them. Just little aimless things like vines of twisting flowers and petals, an animal maybe or the scenery; the lake, the cliffs, anything I wanted. I liked the fact that it wasn't permanent, that it was just temporary. Mistakes didn't stick to my skin, didn't cling to me, they washed away in a swirl of black.

But real mistakes, tangible all-real mistakes clung. They were there. Always on the periphery of my conscience, biding their time and waiting for the big blowout. Mistakes were inevitable, but that didn't lessen their impact, their repercussions.

The faint sound of rustling and clanking in the backyard interrupted my daydreaming and I stopped my sketching.

I started when I realised what I'd inadvertently drawn. An eye, colourless at that moment, just an outline pencilled in lead. A fat tear building in the corner of the eye. It was the eye on Edward's hand. It wasn't blue yet and there wasn't a tear rolling down its cheek —or rather, down the back of his hand— but I recognised it immediately.

I slammed the sketchbook shut, threw it towards the end of my bed and stood up. The sound of tinkering in the garden made me go out into the hallway.

"Mom?" I called from the top of the stairs.

Footsteps and laughter followed as the kids ran passed and Mom materialised at the bottom of the stairs, her face red and sweaty, her arms and t-shirt smudged with dirt. Her hands were clean so she must've been wearing gloves. She had a jug of lemonade in her hand, with actual lemon slices floating around in there and ice.

"Oh, hi, honey," She smiled, but she was breathless and flustered, "Want some lemonade?"

"Homemade?" I asked, impressed.

She laughed and shook her head, "Of course not. I just added lemon to make it look that way." She winked and I laughed a little.

"In that case, no thanks."

She rolled her eyes and made to go back into the kitchen.

"Wait," I said and she hesitated.

"What?"

"What are you doing? Why are you all dirty?"

She craned her neck towards the kitchen since her arms were full and I frowned and followed her down. The backdoor was wide open and sunlight and heat poured in.

There was a lump of weeds and thistle and dandelions piled high by the porch steps, some with bulbous yellow heads and others downy tufts of seeds. The ones you made wishes on. I thought of my birthday wish and then started when I saw Edward's head bob up from somewhere in that sea of grass. Like a wish come true. A mistaken wish.

He hadn't seen me yet, but I'd seen him. Shorts and a white, soiled undershirt. Hair grimy and tousled. Face red and sweaty. The muscles in his arms straining as he tore roots from the ground and launched them towards the mounting pile.

"Oh, Edward called and offered to help with the garden," She smiled and all traces of undisguised contempt and disdain that she'd had festered for him for almost three years had vanished. I didn't know whether to be grateful for that or disgusted that she'd changed her tune so quickly for something so trivial.

"He did?"

"Yeah, he came over right after he finished work. He said that you'd mentioned it to him or something," She waved her hand like it was no big deal. But it was. It was the biggest deal. I'd ignored him, shot him down when he'd wanted to talk the other night. Granted, I hadn't had a single message or call from him since then, even when I'd turned my phone back on the following morning, there had been nothing there. I'd been stupidly disappointed when I had no reason to be. It had been what I'd wanted. And I'd gotten exactly that. Now, there he was, in my garden, helping us out because I'd jokingly asked him to on that porch a couple of months ago. The night he'd argued with Vickie, drunk and adorable, begging to see _her_ and getting _me_ instead.

"Oh, hey, Bella," And there he was, standing in the kitchen doorway. He smelled of fresh grass and sweat and oil from the garage and he blocked all that light coming in, tall and looming. He tugged each of the fingers of the gardening gloves he had on to shimmy them off and set them onto the counter.

I nodded politely in greeting and took the jug Mom had set on the side, pouring a couple of glasses out. I needed something to occupy and distract me, something to stop me from having to look at him and be forced to interact with him, awkward and forced chit-chat. That wasn't us.

I grabbed a cup and downed half the thing, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand 'cause it had sloshed around my lips and down my chin in my haste.

Mom laughed from besides me where she was washing her hands and up her arms. The dried mud and grass stains clung to her skin, "I thought you didn't want any?" She said and she was smiling like she was pleased, like she'd made it herself and had something to be pleased about.

I licked my lips, sticky and tangy sweet and Edward leaned over my to grab a glass, his arm brushing mine. I shivered despite the warmth, his heat.

"I changed my mind," I breathed, my arm tingling where he'd touched.

His eyes locked on mine as I said it and I realised it could be misinterpreted, that I'd changed my mind about wanting to talk to him. He gulped the whole thing down, his adams apple bobbing in his throat, beneath the criss-crosses of tattoos that came from a needle and not a pen.

"Isabella, do you mind starting dinner whilst I finish up with Edward?" Her eyes shot to his then as she dried her hands off on a dishcloth, "Well, not finish off. That won't be for a while," She laughed, "But you know what I mean."

She was blushing like they were best of friends and I rolled my eyes at her sudden fake-ness. Maybe I did prefer it when she was hating on him rather than this ass licking she'd retorted to.

"You and I both know what happens when I go into a kitchen, Mom," I snorted, recalling the time where I'd almost burnt the house down.

She winced as she remembered and threw the dishcloth onto the worktop, "Well, why don't you finish up for the night with Edward?"

My eyes widened and I could see Edward taking in my reaction as he grabbed another glassful of lemonade.

"But-"

"That would be really great, _Isabella."_

My eyes cut to his over the rim of the glass and I swallowed the whole thing down, setting it down with too much force. Mom was humming a tune as she filled the sink up with soapy suds. She was impervious to our silent battle of stares.

I cleared my throat and smiled uneasily. I took the gardening gloves Mom passed me and stalked outside with a muttered 'sure'.

Edward followed silently, pulling his own gloves back on.

"I'm going to carry on pulling the deep-rooted stuff. You just get what you can," He instructed, scratching the back of his neck. He wouldn't look at me now and it stung a little. I huffed and stalked to the other side of the garden, doing as he instructed.

We silently pulled weeds and grass that the lawnmower wouldn't be able to handle. Edward entrusted me with a set of sheers and I trimmed down the ivy encroaching over the fence and thick branches and stems that twined mercilessly around each other and knotted the grass together. I was sweating after only a little while, the endless tugging and cutting and tearing coupled with the sunshine and humidity was relentless.

I took a break when my hands were shaking from the exertion and the weight of the sheers, leaning back against the fence with my arms crossed and my chest panting. I twisted my hair up into a bun after a moment and wiped my forehead along my arm.

Edward's back was to me from a little ways away and I watched unabashedly as he laboured. I watched the muscles in his back straining as he planted his feet and pulled heavily on nasty weeds and thick, tendinous cords of roots. He was sweaty and grunting and heaving and glorious. All man. I swallowed and looked for the little things, things you had to look really hard for. His lips were constantly parted from the strain and he licked them every once in a while for moisture. He'd rake his hand through his hair and then curse when he realised he was still wearing his dirty gloves. He'd pinch his muddied shirt from his chest, stuck with sweat and grime, and wipe his forehead clean with it, little droplets rolling down. They'd be back within a matter of minutes, pasting his tousled hair to his forehead.

I don't know how long I stood there, spaced out and watching him, but when he turned around, catching my already staring eye, I didn't even notice.

He didn't smile or laugh it off, or even react for that matter. His eyes raked up from my sneakers, up my bare legs and tiny shorts and the arms crossed over my camisole, before settling on my face. His jaw clenched and he turned his back once again.

I swallowed and bent down to snatch the sheers from the floor again before angrily snipping at the vines once more.

Mom brought the tray of lemonade out not too long after and Edward and I gladly took another glass as she ran back inside to the sound of somebody crying. No doubt Jake and Emily had been playing too rough with Maggie.

The sound of birds and the whistling trees at the end of the garden were the only sounds as we drank, my eyes looking anywhere but at him. His stayed solely on me. I could feel the burn and it wasn't from the sun.

"So," I began, breathing a little heavily, wiping the sweat off of my brow, "I told you she'd hold you to it."

He ignored me, "You've been avoiding me."

I took another sip and set my glass down on the patio table, "I know."

"Why?" He seemed angry, but he was upset too. It crushed me.

I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry." Because I was. I was so sorry for hurting his feelings and feeling this way about him, for getting him into trouble with Vickie, even though that had seemingly blown over now. I was sorry for pushing him away, when that was the last thing I wanted to do. When he was undoubtedly confused by my abrupt mood swings. I hung out with him, I pushed him away, I hung out with him… Well, I helped him clear out our yard.

It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with him. Believe me, I _really_ wanted to. I just couldn't.

"Vickie was mad at me when Riley insinuated you had… yanno," _Feelings for me._ I waved my hand because we didn't need to rehash it. He nodded abruptly and I continued, "I didn't think it was a very… wise move if we met up or whatever."

He shook his head, "It's not like that."

 _I know._

"I know." Hurt and quiet.

He looked pained, "Bella, I'm sorry that all of this is happening. It's not fair on you."

"It's not fair on you either."

"Maybe I deserve it," He said quietly, so quietly I wasn't sure I was supposed to hear it, or that I'd heard it at all really. He was staring at the ground at my feet, solemn.

"Nobody deserves to be accused of something they didn't do. Or feel, I guess," I muttered stupidly.

His eyes darted to mine and he hummed a little, a wavering smile on his lips, "No, I guess not. But you especially don't deserve this backlash. All I wanted to do was talk to you, make you understand that I don't blame you for any of this. It's not your fault that your dumbass boyfriend—"

"Hey!" I interrupted, but I was silly-smiling because it was true.

He smiled unabashedly and shrugged, "It's true. Kid got me in trouble with my girl."

He winced a little and I wondered how much trouble he had gotten into with Vickie and if he was still in it. I tried to ignore the sting _my girl_ left me with.

But, more than anything, _kid_ hurt more. If he thought of Riley as a kid, what did that make me? I would've liked to think I was relatively mature for my age, something Riley lacked in, but now I felt nothing but small and pouty, a _kid._

"How are things?" I asked, and when he didn't answer, "With Vickie, I mean."

He sighed, "She kicked my ass about it, but she's settled down now, too much actually." He laughed but it was harsh.

"What do you mean?"

His face scrunched up, lines forming between his thick brows. He grabbed a trash bag and started loading grass clippings into it. I stepped forward to help him, holding the bag as he dumped an armful in.

"You know how she is. She can hold a grudge like nobody," He smiled a little, but it fell, "I can handle it. What I can't handle is this hurting you."

His fingers found my chin and he tilted it up, reaching up to grab a stray leaf out of my hair, "For what its worth, I'm sorry, Milkshake Girl. I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this."

"It's not your fault," I stuttered. His fingers had been so gentle, tender and I'd never felt that before. I stayed still, so still, as his fingers slowly lowered from my chin and he bent down to retrieve another armful of grass and debris. I stayed still, the bag rattling in my hands, when he dumped another load in, trying to ignore the racing of my heart and the burning in my chin where his fingers had been. My stomach was flip-flopping and his eyes were on me.

"I'm not so sure that you're right."

"How so?" I asked, tying the top of the bag off when it was full and thrusting it towards the steps.

He chuckled half-heartedly, "Lets just say that this mess didn't just make itself."

I frowned because he made it seem like Riley's absurd accusations and finger-pointing had some reasoning behind them. And that just couldn't be true.

"Come on," He said, tearing another trash bag free and shaking it out, "We've got work to do."

I took it from him with a small smile. The sun was starting to set, low in the sky, casting the garden in a beautiful, burning orange glow.

"It's not done," I said, looking out into the garden. We hadn't even touched the sides. The yard was long, a little on the narrow side, backing up into the tree-line and the stream beyond. We hadn't even made it a third of the way back. The grass was still long and swaying and the flowerbeds and fences were still wild and untamed. We'd only managed a little trimming and weed-pulling at the front.

He chuckled softly and I turned back to face him, the bag rustling in the gentle breeze, "Miracles don't happen in a day, Milkshake Girl."

"Sometimes they do."

He hummed contentedly and deposited another load of glass clippings into the bag I was holding. The smell was my favourite, summertime and freshness.

"That's what I like about you."

"What?"

"You're so unperturbed by everything around you, the bad and the ugly. You see the good in everything," He sounded wistful, but he cut off abruptly, clearing his throat as he carefully took the bag from me and tied it over, throwing it over with the other.

"I can finish this off," He said, his back to me as he tore off another bag, "Why don't you go freshen up and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

He turned his head to face me, "Yeah, someones got to work on that miracle." He gestured to the wildness of the lawn and grinned.

"See you tomorrow then," I smiled, setting my gloves on the table.

He tipped his head at me and turned his back, whistling out a tune.

Yeah, mistakes were easy to make when they came in the form of Edward Cullen.

* * *

 **A/N- Thanks to the ladies over at TLS for the rec and to you guys for all your support. This one was a long one but the words kept coming and wouldn't stop and I didn't want to split it/ruin the flow, so forgive me?**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by the Eagles. I'm going to see them in concert in a couple of months and I'm beyond excited! I lurve them, but I lurve you guys, too!**


	11. 11: Dirty Work

**Chapter 11: Dirty Work**

Edward lied.

He didn't come back the following day. He didn't come back for almost a week, but he came back eventually.

School started up again and, although it had only been a couple of weeks since I'd been bored out of my mind and antsy to get back, I was sort of regretting my eagerness now. School dragged and I found myself constantly checking the clock above the board in every lesson in the hopes that time would go by a little faster, so that I could get home and change into some old shorts and a ratty t-shirt and clear out the backyard with Edward.

He'd had made it his mission to come around every Friday after working at the garage all day to work on the overgrown mess that was our back lawn, and I was only too eager to help. Mom had offered to pay him, despite her not really having the means to, but he'd quickly shot her down anyway. He'd seemed a little perturbed at the idea and I knew he wasn't exactly well-off, but I didn't question it. I was just glad that he was there at all. It was the highlight of my week, which was just plain old stupid.

Normal teenage girls would be out there on the beach or shopping —although shopping in Forks couldn't necessarily be deemed "shopping"— or hanging out with their friends, anything other than counting down the minutes until they could work on a neglected, old garden. But then, I wasn't exactly doing it for the benefits of the garden, was I? No; I was doing it for my own selfish reasons.

I tried not to dwell on that though. It just made me feel even worse about what I was doing. And so I tried to focus on my schooling and my friends and… gardening, which was inadvertently the same as lingering on Edward, so I guess I was failing.

My thoughts always seemed to stray from where they were supposed to, in uncharted territory, but the girls didn't seem to notice my utter lack of awareness in our conversations or the way I seemed to zone-out a lot. It got worse as the week progressed towards Friday. I _tried_ to be more involved, but when Alice had asked if I wanted to go for ice-cream after practice that Friday, I'd quickly shot her down. The pang of guilt that had surged through me at the look of dejection on her face had me quickly amending — _lying_ — that I had a big test coming up and needed to revise.

"It's a Friday night, B," She'd shot back, eyeing me accusingly, "you've got all weekend to revise."

Leah frowned from besides her, "It's, like, fourth week back, how do you have exams already?"

"Banner." He was known for them, but, for once, it wasn't true. They hummed at the familiar name, understanding lacing their tones and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Besides, you know I've got to help out my dad at the bar for the next few weeks. I need to get my revision in whilst I'm off," I shrugged. I wrung my fingers at the lie. I _did_ have to revise; a few small tests were coming up soon, but one Friday night wouldn't hurt my grades. Besides, I was pretty smart. I was no good at lying though, it had never been my forte, but lately that seemed to be the biggest lie of all. I was learning to lie, didn't all teenagers at some point? But I wasn't so sure that other teenagers had to go through quite the same situations that entailed lying as I did.

Alice's eyes flitted between mine, looking for a lie, but I was getting pretty good at this whole pokerface thing. I slid my sunglasses from my head over my eyes just to be safe and smiled appeasingly. She poked her tongue into her cheek, making it look like she had a big gobstopper in there, and then laced her arm through mine. Leah did the same on my other side, both sliding their own glasses into place and I tried not to let the lies swallow me whole.

I _could_ have told them that I was gardening, but that would just lead to more questions. Probably a snort and a _'you're_ gardening?' and 'what on earth are _you_ gardening for?' They'd look for a reason and they'd find it in Edward, so no. The truth was out of the question.

I smiled and laughed and commented when it was appropriate as we all but skipped over to the back entrance to the gymnasium. Alice and Leah shared a smoke and I claimed I was sitting away from the fumes to have a few minutes to myself before practice. Usually, I'd stand with them —the smell didn't phase me really— but I needed a reprieve. Mainly, I just wanted to evade them pressing on about going for ice-creams or any others plans that they could come up with that just so happened to fall on a Friday.

I could hear Alice saying she wanted her nips pierced and Leah was agreeing enthusiastically. I rolled my eyes because, although I believed that Alice would have hers done by the end of the week, Leah wasn't as sporadic as Alice and I just knew she wouldn't go through with it. They finished their smokes and crushed them with a twist of their feet and we headed back inside to Kate and Brady and Alice glaring at Irina; to the glaring truth of reality. Literally.

But my non-reality was all I could think about. I was growing frustrated, panning things out in my head, cutting myself off abruptly when I released what I was doing. Kate called my ass out on it, but there was nothing bursting through the little bubble of annoyance I'd shrouded myself in. Alice nudged me as we performed a series of twists and manoeuvres that had us standing side-by-side.

"Cut it out, girl," She said and I took a deep breath and focused on the recital after that. I tried to at least. The clock on the wall said we had another half hour to go, and my thoughts drifted back to Edward again. What we'd be doing later, how long this gardening thing would last, what I was going to do afterwards…

Dad was kind of gruff about the whole thing, muttering snide comments under his breath when Edward was non-deserving. He was helping out after all. I personally thought Dad was a little sour over the whole thing, like Edward was doing something for his family that he hadn't, but Mom said he was just stressed with work.

He'd had to put in extra shifts, even working the bar which he never did, because Sue had left last week after her husband had had a heart-attack, so she was staying home to care for him. Dad understood, but he wasn't exactly thrilled over the prospect of pulling pints and working the books in the back office simultaneously. Mom was helpless with Maggie still at home and they were thinking of enrolling her in a nursery before she started school, but that just added more burden with the extra money it would cost. I'd picked up another shift to lift a little of the load off of his shoulders, but he was still having a tough time.

The shifts were okay though. I was mostly with Rose on them and they made time go a little faster up until Friday came along. Then it seemed to speed up far more than I wanted it to. Well, in terms of my evenings that was. I wanted them to slow down. I found myself enjoying them far more than I should've.

After the first time of Edward and Mom insisting that I help out with the yard, it kind of stuck and I'd invariably found myself out there with him every time he was over. It was like an unspoken agreement we had.

After a couple of weeks of Edward helping out, Mom started setting an extra place up at the table for him. At first, he refused, saying he didn't want to intrude. But Mom insisted, and, after a while, he started staying for dinner, his eyes smiling as he ate with us. I think mine were, too.

He was perfectly polite and Mom ate it up like they were life-long friends. It still annoyed me, but I kind of liked the fact that she was starting to like him, enjoy his company even. The easy camaraderie between them was growing on me, despite it making me a little jealous. I wanted him all for myself and I knew it was greedy and completely absurd and ridiculous, but I just couldn't help it.

If Friday's were my favourite day of the week before, they were my everything now.

Sometimes, when he had time, he'd stop by the diner on the way over from work and get us both milkshakes. Just last week he'd done it and the kids had pouted and Maggie had cried, so he gave them his chocolate one to shut them up. He may've looked kind of scary with his tallness and his tattoos and cool, easy facade, but he was really rather sweet.

Practice finished and I all but raced out of there to evade Kate's lecture. I didn't bother changing and grabbed my bag, hoisting it over my shoulder, throwing a little wave to Alice and Leah. Leah waved back slowly, half-hearted and confused at my dismissal, but Alice remained still, watching as I high-tailed it out of there.

I felt bad and I knew I'd have to make it up to them somehow. I'd been a little distant from them and maybe they were starting to notice something was up. I'd have to show them that everything was the same, even though it wasn't really, so they wouldn't start looking for reasons why.

Riley was waiting outside, leaning against the front of his car. Arms folded, legs crossed. He ruffled his hair when he saw me and smiled.

"Hey, babe," He simpered.

I offered a tight-lipped smile and kissed his cheek when he offered me his lips. He still wasn't forgiven.

Another lie, although I wouldn't admit that to myself just yet.

* * *

The doorbell rang, and I probably would've been down the stairs within a matter of seconds as I always was on a friday evening, but I'd been sweaty after cheer practice and needed a shower. I probably could've waited until after I'd finished gardening as I tended to get a little dirty and grimy from the exertion anyway, but Kate had really pushed us after the long break and I was much too aware of the smell emanating from me to ignore it.

I ruffled my hair with the shaggy towel and cursed as I tripped on the one barely hanging around my chest. I lowered my music down and listened to Edward's deep voice and my mom's high, trilling laughter in response to something that probably wasn't all that funny.

I dried off quickly and threw my towels onto the bed, dressing quickly in a pair of shorts and my dad's old _Pink Floyd_ t-shirt. It was holey and too big, but I tied it up over my shorts and pulled a brush through my hair. I pulled on my sneakers and a smeared a little lip balm on my lips before running down the stairs.

Mom was in the kitchen, Maggie on her hip as she talked to Edward from the doorway. He was standing at the edge of the grass beyond the concrete patio, leaning lightly on a rake. I tried to duck past her, but she stuck her arm out, "What's this, young lady?" She said, picking up a strand of wet hair from over my shoulder.

"I've just got out of the shower," I explained and attempted to duck past her again.

She intercepted me again, "You'll catch the death of cold. Go and dry it before you even think about going outside."

I huffed and I could feel my cheeks grow red. I evaded Edward's eye as he peered at me with a small smile. He had a cap on today and, somehow, he looked even more appealing, if that were even possible. I was pretty sure Edward in a trash-bag would be appealing to me. He smiled a little and lifted his hand in a small wave, the other still leaning on the handle of the rake. I quickly looked back to my mom, "It's still warm out."

"It's not summer anymore, Bells. It's getting cooler and you can't afford to get ill. You've only just gone back to school," She persisted and I obliged with an eye roll and a huff and heavy footsteps as I stalked back to my room. I only half-dried it as a middle-finger to her authority. I knew it was childish, but I also really wanted to get back to Edward. I'd already missed a half hour of his company and it was such a rare commodity that I didn't want to pass up too much time with.

Mom pursed her lips when she saw the still damp curls at the end of my hair, but she didn't comment so I stole one of the grapes she was cutting up for Maggie and skipped out of the door.

Mom was right. With summer approaching its end, it was cooling down somewhat. The sun was still there, shining and warm on my tan skin, but it had diminished in its intensity.

I'd burnt my shoulders last week, but the redness had all but disappeared with the reprieve from the sun. In my haste to see Edward, I'd forgone the sunblock and paid the price in the form of the blistering red skin on my shoulders and the tops of my arms. I'd winced as I'd tried to get comfy in bed for a few nights afterwards, but it had abated now and left my skin peachy and soft with new skin. Edward's nose was still peeling and smattered with freckles. It was kind of adorable.

Edward chuckled when he saw me and I frowned at what he was laughing at when he tugged on his cap. I looked at it properly, a smile erupting across my face when I realised what it was. Faded black and worn with age, the familiar refraction of light through a prism and 'PINK FLOYD' printed across it. I smiled at the uncanniness of it all and looked down at my matching shirt.

"What are the odds," He smiled and fixed the cap back into place on his head. He gestured to the table by the porch and there was a cup holder filled with two drinks, "I got you a milkshake."

I smiled and picked up the strawberry flavoured one, knowing it was for me. Jake and Emily came running out, both with their own cups. Jake with his yellow banana flavoured and Emily with her pink strawberry. They smushed their faces up against Edward's stomach and wrapped one arm each around his thigh to a chorus of 'thank you, thank you, thank you'. Edward chuckled and patted their heads a little awkwardly and I had to hide my snicker behind my own cup. Edward caught it anyway and he glowered a little in my direction, pouting. It only served to make me laugh all the more.

The twins had taken up Taekwondo a few weeks ago and they'd clearly only just gotten home. Red faced and sweaty, their hair pasted to their cheeks, their baggy white suits a startling white next to their red cheeks. Emily rolled the cold, wet cup across her forehead to cool down and Jake commented on how gross she was, "You've got to drink out of that now."

Emily sneered at him, "I'll use the straw."

They bickered before running back inside, calling for Mom and pushing each other through the doorway.

I snickered and turned back to Edward, laughing and shaking my head, "Siblings."

Edward didn't smile though. He even flinched a little at my retort.

I realised something in that moment. I'd never once heard of him speak of his family, besides his late father. Nobody talked about Edward, where he was from, why he was in Forks, why he didn't have any family.

"Do you have any siblings, Edward?"

Edward's frame tensed, such a minute change that anybody else wouldn't notice it. But I was so attuned to him that I couldn't do anything _but_ notice. It wasn't the same tension that rolled through his body when he was working around the garden, digging and raking and mowing and hefting. No, it was the tension that invaded when a touchy subject was broached.

I swallowed, "Edward?" A whisper, lost in the wind.

Edward's face contorted and the anger there was intense, searing, freezing me to the spot. The condensation trickled from the cup down my fingers. I ignored it, made immobile in Edward's glare, "No," He said quickly, and then something happened. Something internal that I couldn't see. I wondered what he was thinking. Something that could wipe the anger clean from his face so quickly and deftly and replace it with such pain, "Not anymore."

The pain dripped from those words, saturating me in something that constricted my heart so tightly in my chest. I wanted to walk towards him, do something to wipe that look from his face, that emotion from his voice, thoughts and memories that I couldn't see or know from his mind. Instead, I stayed still in my spot, unblinking and unmoving.

"I'm sorry." Small and meek.

His nostrils flared and the anger returned. I didn't know if that was better or worse.

He turned his back, biting his cheek, holding back a backlash of words spat and fumed at me. I was grateful, but more so confused and hurt.

 _Talk to me._

 _Don't push me away._

I swallowed and set the melting milkshake down, wiping my hands down my shorts, "Edward?" I said in a small voice, edging carefully towards him. His back was to me, still and taught. I watched his fists clench and roll before unclenching as the tension slowly eased from his body. A slow, controlled breath left him and he turned to face me. He kept his eyes on the floor, "I've left the sheers and the rake by the table."

I stayed still for a few seconds, watching him, trying to catch his eye, and when he didn't offer anything more, I turned away with a sigh.

The loud thrumming of the lawnmower starting up caused me to startle a little, and I froze, not turning around. I took a deep breath to calm myself before continuing towards the patio table again.

I did as he instructed, as he instructed each week, but whereas I'd usually be light and unable to stop smiling, I was unable to even muster a smile, a semblance of what I usually felt when I was with him on a Friday evening.

I stayed quiet as I trimmed the hedges and raked the grass that he mowed. There was no room for talking with the loud thrumming of the mower and I wondered if he'd done it on purpose, if he'd gone out of his way to prevent us from talking.

I sighed and propped the rake up on the wall, watching as he looped the orange wire of the mower around his arm and trudged it along, so that it didn't get caught in the lawnmower's blades. He was frowning as he moved, backwards and forwards, a straight line, impervious to me as absorbed in his work as he was. He'd turned his cap backwards and I could see something glistening on his cheek.

It _was_ hot still, and with the strain of the work he was sure to sweat, but, right in that moment, all I could think about was the tear inked onto the back of his hand. I couldn't be sure whether it was simply sweat from the labour and the slowly diminishing heat combined, or something more profound. I thought to the back of his hand again and quickly shook the thought from my head. I couldn't have offended him, upset him even. I'd only asked a simple question, something lighthearted and non-invasive, or so I thought.

I watched as he swept his hand from his cheek up to his forehead, wiping away the glistening droplet.

 _Yes, sweat, it must be._

At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

I took a step forward and he must have caught my movement out of the corner of his eye because his eyes flickered to mine, away again, and then heaving a deep sigh, he turned his head to face me.

The groaning of the mower was loud and pounding in my ears, but it had nothing on the pounding of my heart. After a few seconds, he turned back to the mower and turned his cap back around, casting shade over his face. He lowered his gaze and I watched as another droplet fell past his chin, down his neck. I turned and fumbled to pull out the plug from the extension lead, the whirring of the mower dying with a low, idling hum.

When I turned back around, Edward was placing the circlet of wire on the handle of the lawnmower and his fingers were shaking, whether from exhaustion or anger I didn't know.

"I'm sorry for prying," I said, low and guilt-ridden.

He shook his head and a sadness had washed over his features, "I'm sorry for reacting like that. It wasn't fair to you. You did nothing wrong."

I shrugged feebly, "It's not a big deal."

I realised what I'd inadvertently said and my eyes flickered up to his, sheltered beneath his cap.

 _No big deal._

He took a step towards me, "It is a big deal."

It was silly of me to react the way that I did, my heart a runaway train in my chest, fluttering like mad. A caged bird, like that poem.

I smiled shyly and he offered his own back, "I feel like I'm always apologising to you," He said quietly, but the sadness had all but washed away from his face, besides his eyes. It lingered there a little, just beyond the surface.

I wondered what had happened. He'd said _not anymore._ What did that mean exactly? Where they estranged? I clung to that thought rather than even think of the alternative.

"I'm sorry that you're always sorry," I smiled coyly, attempting to rid that look from his eyes, and he actually busted a grin.

"I'm sorry that you're sorry for me always being sorry."

"Well, I'm-"

He put a hand up, cutting me off abruptly, but there was a smile hinting at his lips.

"Let's just agree that we're both sorry for the others sorrow," He interjected and I laughed at his joking. The sadness had all but gone now.

"Lets," I grinned and grabbed my milkshake from the side. It was sloshy and the thickness had gone from it in the sunshine. It was warm on my tongue and I pulled a face as I set it back down.

Edward grimaced, "Sorry, I forgot about those."

I raised my eyebrow, " _Sorry_ , are you?"

He chuckled when he realised what he'd inadvertently said, "I think maybe I win that debate then."

"I think you're right," I snorted as he wiped his forehead with the corner of his t-shirt. I turned my head at the sight of the taught, inked skin that the action revealed. My eyes flickered back, looking at the swirls and images that were etched into his skin, but they were gone just as quickly as they appeared with the release of his fingers. The white fabric fell back into place and I gulped at the raised eyebrow he shot me, "but I wouldn't get too cocky about it if I were you."

I blushed because I'd just said _cocky_ in front of Edward and that basically meant I'd said _cock._

I pinched my palm to snap myself out of the stupid, childish thoughts in my head and focused instead on the pink and brown goop that was supposed to resemble a milkshake placed next to each other on the table besides us. I couldn't look him in the eye after that and I felt silly-stupid for blushing at the word _cock._

"Thirsty?" He asked, noticing my lingering gaze on the warm, watery milkshakes. I nodded sheepishly, anything to stop thinking about that stupid word. Besides, I was kind of looking forward to my new weekly milkshake, but in all of the drama, I'd forgotten about it.

"I'm sure we've got something indoors," I said, using my thumb to gesture to the kitchen doorway. My voice was thick and heavy with equal parts embarrassment and frustration.

He moved his arm in the universal _lead the way_ gesture and I grabbed the two plastic cups of milkshake and took them inside, planning on depositing them in the bin.

He walked slowly behind me, hands stuffed in his pockets I saw when I turned to see if he was following. His eyes were on my back but they slid to the floor when I caught his eye.

I pressed the lid on the bin and it popped open with a low hiss of air, and just as I was about to release the two ruined cups of sugary goodness, Edward's hands enclosed over my wrists.

"Don't throw them," He said and shot me a tight-lipped grin, "I have an idea."

He took the cups from me and set them on the counter besides the sink.

"What are you doing?" I said, as he took the plastic lids off of each and pulled the striped straws out. He poured the remnants of each down the sink and washed them out carefully with a pinched brow.

"Do you have ice-cream?" He asked, his back to me. When I didn't answer, he turned his head over his shoulder, his tongue smashed up in his cheek and his eyes dancing. Water had sloshed down the front of his shirt and I thought about the last time he'd been in my kitchen with water down his front.

I cleared my throat and he was staring at me with his eyebrow raised. God, that piercing. Was it possible to die from the sight of that little silver stud? My heart pinched in my chest and yes, yes it was.

"I think so." It sounded like a question. Edward Cullen was just the same; a big question mark.

He turned his back to wash out the lids and straws and I grabbed the ice-cream from the freezer, hidden away in the back from the kids. There was a decent amount left, "We only have vanilla."

"Perfect," He said, taking it from me and setting it on the side to defrost a little. He had me find some cream and milk, vanilla extract and strawberries that Mom had bought fresh that morning.

He spooned it all out with a look of pure concentration on his face and I wondered if he'd ever made such a thing before. He seemed so deep in thought.

When he put it all in the blender, it finally clicked what he was doing and I let out a little guffaw at his thoughtful scowl.

"You're making a milkshake?" The idea seemed preposterous for someone like Edward, but it warmed my heart all the same.

"Two actually," He smiled, his ears pink, "but I couldn't find cocoa beans, so strawberry it is."

"I thought you didn't like strawberry," I accused, lifting myself up onto the countertop besides him.

He was bent over, eyeing the measurement scale along the side of the blenders cup, but his eyes flickered to mine and a smile played on his lips, "It's growing on me."

I smacked his shoulder playfully and he rubbed at it like it hurt, standing to his full height, "What?" He laughed.

"We've already established that strawberry is the best." It seemed like a lifetime ago now. Sitting in that diner, the first milkshake he'd ever bought me. And now here he was making homemade ones for me.

He shook his head with a _pfft,_ "No way. You were barely sixteen. I couldn't disagree with you."

"But you could now?" I edged, leaning forward on the palms of my hands. My feet were swinging in front of me, hitting the cupboard beneath me with a steady thud. It sounded like the beating of my heart.

I bit my lip and his eyes seemed to focus in on the movement. His voice was husky when he spoke, "No." His head shook a little and the implication of his words didn't go unnoticed by either of us. We just chose to ignore it.

I smiled, "Well then, I win."

He took his cap off of his head quickly, shaking his hair out and ruffling it with his free hand. I leant forward and snatched it from his hand, setting it lightly on my own head and sticking my tongue out at him. He pulled it low over my eyes and chuckled as I blindly smacked at him again.

"Oh, no," He suddenly exclaimed and I yanked the cap back up, alarmed.

"What is it?" I asked, but as soon as the words left my lips, a blob of cream hit me in the face. I squelched my eyes shut and let out a startled screech.

"I can't believe you just did that!" I chortled as I pushed it out of my eyes and licked a bit off of the tip of my nose.

He laughed at my scrunched up face and pouty lips, "You just licked your nose."

"Well, duh."

His eyes twinkled with something mischievous and then his hands were pulling mine apart and tickling under my arms, down my sides. I squealed and tried to shimmy out of his grasp, but he was merciless. I wiggled around on the countertop, attempting to squirm down in the small gap between our bodies.

"Is everything okay in there?" Mom called out from the living room and Edward let me go. His shirt was smeared with cream from my fingertips and he pinched it from his chest and frowned.

I was still laughing from the aftershocks of his sneak attack when I called back to her, "Yeah, we're just making drinks."

I heard the TV come back on and smiled demurely up at him. He didn't look embarrassed or ashamed of his actions like I'd expected; he was grinning at me with equally matched affection.

Sitting on the counter, we were level and I kind of liked it.

My cheeks were aflame and there was this feeling deep in my stomach, churning and swooshing around in there and maybe I was going to be sick, but I didn't think so. I turned to grab a teacloth to wipe my face clean when he grabbed my arm. I turned quickly, confused, but I didn't have time to question it because he swooped something along my face. At first, I thought it was his finger and my heart quickened and my breath completely left me, thinking he was going to lick it off. Or, better yet, he was going to suck his finger clean, but then I realised it was a strawberry… and had a fairly similar reaction.

He swooped it along my cheek, dunking it in the cream still smearing my face, and took a bite out of it, slow and deliberate and he was looking me right in the eyes.

I swallowed and blushed when I realised he probably heard it.

"You taste delicious," He hummed, laughing at whatever he saw on my face as he sucked each of his fingers clean like I'd imagined. My imagination was sorely lacking it seemed because it didn't hold a candle to the real thing. And there was that feeling again, deep within in, humming beneath my skin.

He laughed like he was funny, sucking the last little bit from his finger, but I couldn't smile. All I could do was stare and stare some more.

I reached my hand up and swooped my fingers along my cheek, collecting a lump of cream, and smeared it along his face.

He froze momentarily and his eyes darted to mine. He dropped the leafy part of the strawberry onto the countertop and took a step towards me. My knees brushed the tops of his thighs.

"I can't believe you just did that," He said with a smile and his eyes were squinty and closed.

"You got me first," I laughed, licking it off my own fingers. I grabbed the teacloth and wiped my face clean, leaning behind me to grab Edward a fresh one.

He shook his head and cleared himself up and I was admittedly a little sad that I couldn't do it myself. With my tongue.

Edward fixed the blender up, adding his little concoction of ingredients to it. I asked if he'd ever made it before because I wasn't so sure that his so-called ingredients were the right ones. He'd shrugged and admitted he hadn't. It was sugary, a little sweeter than we were accustomed to, and we simultaneously pulled a face after the first sip and laughed because he definitely wasn't a milkshake connoisseur.

"I think you need a little practice," I said and he wiggled his nose as he swallowed.

"Hey, I was trying to be nice. It's okay for a first attempt. Next time, I won't add the vanilla I think."

"Next time?" I echoed.

He frowned down at me, rubbing the back of his neck. I could see dark armpit hair peaking out from the sleeve of his t-shirt and I don't know why it made me blush. Riley's was sparse and blonde, nothing like his, "Well, I figured we could try again. I mean, I'm here every Friday for however long it takes to sort the backyard out."

I nodded mutely, my eyes flickering to that patch of hair before he put his arm back down.

I cleared my throat, "Yes." One word answers were all I had left it seemed. I cleared my throat and took another sip of the too-sweet milkshake.

"I don't particularly want to be working on it when it gets colder and milkshakes probably won't help with that," He mused with a soft chuckle.

The thought of my Fridays being once again boring and empty, no gardening or Edward to entertain me, had my stomach twisting and I wondered when and if I'd see him after that. We didn't see each other too often before he'd started working on the garden and I was sure after everything that had happened with Vickie and Riley that they wouldn't be too glad to see us hanging out outside of this little arrangement we had going on.

I hadn't exactly told Riley, or anybody for that matter, that Edward had been coming over every Friday for a few weeks. I wasn't sure how he'd react or how I'd take to it. I'd been kind of icing him out over the last few weeks after the birthday debacle and, although I felt bad for doing it, I also didn't want him to think I would forgive him so easily. I wasn't a pushover. At least, that's what I kept telling myself. Really, I just didn't want to deal with his drama anymore and I didn't want to put up with his moping.

I was still a little bitter towards Leah. She was the one who'd invited Riley that night anyway. If she hadn't invited him, things would be different right now. There would be no tension or arguments and cold-shoulders, no grudges and awkwardness and looks that had the power to shrivel my happiness. It was all wrong now and, although Riley was to blame for thinking those things and saying those things, Leah was the one who'd invited him. Of course, she couldn't have seen it coming. She couldn't have known he'd react that way to Edward with pure, unadulterated jealously and snide-comments and touches, looking for a reaction that Edward surely wouldn't give. She couldn't have known that I didn't want him there in the first place, regardless if it was my birthday and he was my boyfriend and it was completely normal. She'd assumed and maybe it could've been seen as sweet and sincere if things hadn't panned out the way that they had. But they had and they did, so I had the right to be a little sour with her. I wasn't completely shunning her out, Riley had gotten the brunt of that really, but I wasn't exactly all open-arms and forgiving either.

I wasn't sure if Edward had told Vickie. I assumed he had. After everything, I didn't think he'd risk not telling her. I'd only seen her in passing or in our little group since our conversation, our 'reconciliation' as Rose was deeming it, and I was sure things had blown over between us now, but things were still a little awkward. On my behalf at least. I felt responsible somehow, even though I knew it was Riley's big mouth that had gotten us into this mess. He was my responsibility, my boyfriend, and I was the one invariably responsible for him, in a way at least, not anyone else.

I knew Vickie worked Friday's and wondered if he really had told her as I watched him fix the mower away and rake the portion of the yard he'd gotten done that day, "Edward?" He turned his head towards me, over his shoulder, panting and squinting in the low sunlight, still raking as he did, "Does Vickie know that you come over here every Friday? I mean, to help with the backyard?"

Edward stopped raking and stood up straight, letting out a deep breath, "She knows I help your _Mom_ with the gardening."

The emphasis on _Mom_ didn't escape my notice and I understood then. I pursed my lips and set my rake in front of me, drawing it back and effectively scooping a pile of dead, yellowed grass towards me. I evaded his eyes for the remainder of the day.

Vickie knew that Edward was here every Friday, yes. She didn't know that he was with me though. I let the thought settle over. A giddiness overcame me and I felt stupid and vindictive all over again. And then I felt a little sad and Edward went mopey all over again.

He didn't stay for dinner.

In fact, he left entirely without so much as a goodbye. To me, at least. I'd gone for a bathroom break, resolving to get him to at least talk to me on my return, but when I'd made it down the stairs with steely determination, the backyard was empty, the tools set aside, and Mom was pottering about in the kitchen.

"Where's Edward?" I'd asked, confused and hurt because I guess I'd already known.

Mom stopped humming and set her oven-mitts on the side, "He's gone home for the day, sweetie. Did he not tell you?"

I swallowed past the tightening in my throat and nodded, "Uh, yeah. I must've forgotten or something."

That night as I crawled into bed, I was a live wire of thoughts and feelings and… impulses. My thoughts were jarring and I was wide-awake and needy. I thought of Edward working in the yard, both of us unintentionally matching in our _Pink Floyd_ attire, him concentrating as he measured out ingredients for our impromptu, sweet milkshake —sweet in both ways. I thought about the way he concentrated on that a lot and imagined it was me, my body. I closed my eyes and pictured the way he'd lapped the cream from his fingers. _You taste delicious._ My hands slipped down my body, over my stomach and pressed over the seam of my panties. I gasped and pressed harder, searching for release with thoughts of strawberries, sweat and armpit hair fuelling me on.

* * *

 **A/N- Sorry for the delay. I've been getting over Endgame and GoT (Yes, its taken me _that_ long). For those who've watched the former, I love you 3000 *sobs*. I'm currently ill and cooped up at home, so I've had a little time to look over this as its been written for a few weeks and just needed a little tweaking (the only good thing about being sick!) It's a little rusty, but there we are. RP as batman, anyone?**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Steely Dan. Depends on how you interpret the lyrics, but I thought it was pretty fitting. A little, but not really.**

 **Thanks for reading, my lovelies.**


	12. 12: The Bartender and the Thief

**Chapter 12: The Bartender and the Thief**

The following week, I told Dad I'd help him at the bar. It was a Friday and I knew I was probably letting Edward down, but Dad needed the help. That's what I kept telling myself at least. Really, I just didn't want to face Edward.

It was redundant anyway.

Mrs Cope, bless her, was handing me a mint and thanking me in her drunken stupor for always being there for her. I thought that maybe she meant handing her drinks every night or letting her frequent her little booth day in and day out, but she was saying it with such conviction that I actually started to believe I'd saved one of her cats or something.

'Thank you, dearie, thank you' and 'have another' she kept saying as she placed another mint into the palm of my hand and enclosed it into a fist with her own. Her rings were dull in the dim light and digging into the tops of my fingers.

"Thank you, Mrs Cope. You're too kind," I said with a courteous smile because Dad would be pissed if I was rude. Rose was snickering at me from behind the bar. I shot her my middle finger inconspicuously, so as not to offend Mrs Cope, and slid the fistful of mints into my pocket.

She laughed like old ladies did, "Oh, you'll enjoy them as you potter about in here."

I wasn't sure that I would. They were sticky and gooey from the heat, but I smiled graciously and finally made my escape as I gestured to the bar with a shrug of the shoulders and an apologetic grimace. She nodded her head and batted me away with her hand, "Don't let me keep you, _darlin_ '," She said in a mock southern accent.

She loved her western movies. Dad said she collected tapes of them. As in, VHS tapes. I didn't even know they still made them anymore. They didn't, Dad had said, but they were still floating around. I'd had a whole collection of them as a kid, of course, with the huge square TV and VCR player. We called it a box 'cause it really was some huge ass box. _What's on the box tonight, Dad?_

Mrs Cope had a collection that rivalled her cats he said and I'd mouthed a 'wow' 'cause that meant some serious collection. I didn't know how many cats she had, but they were always darting in and out of her house and I'd never seen the same one twice. People called her Cat Lady. By 'people' I meant Alice and Leah.

To put it blatantly, Mrs Cope was a cliché and kind of a loner. She always kept to herself and her cats, although she did seemingly have a soft spot for us Swan's. It probably had something to do with the fact that we owned the establishment she frequented, but still. She played nice with us. I couldn't say the same for the other patrons. She'd gladly chat our ears off and shower us with mints and compliments, but anybody else veered too close to her and her features would sour, almost like it pinched in the middle, drawing the outer edges in, and she'd scream bloody murder at them. She was a bit of a brute and we'd had many complaints from others over the years, but people just tended to steer away from her if they had the sense to. The stray outsiders, which were usually few and far between, figured it out eventually.

She always reminded me of that old french lady off of _Titanic_ , the one they called Madam Bijoux. It seemed fitting with the rings and the bar and the waiting for her long lost love. I wasn't so sure that she wasn't that lady herself. Dad had laughed when I'd told him and called her Madam B from then on.

The bell above the door rang out and I busied myself with grabbing empty glasses from tables and setting them in my crate. I took them out back to the tiny staff kitchen to be washed. Sue usually did all this between manning the bar, but since she'd left, we all took turns washing up and wiping down tables and scrubbing the toilets. It was kind of gross, but it wasn't so bad really, just a little extra grime and time. We maintained them well enough between us all.

Vickie had called in sick today Dad had said, and I didn't know if it was true, but I was kind of glad for it. It was mean and unkind, but I was looking for some distance from Edward. I didn't need Vickie taking his place. She was another notch up on the totem pole of the people I couldn't deal with today. Riley was at the top.

Dad had swiftly called Rose and she's agreed to take her place for the day. I didn't know if it was such a good thing to be around Rose. She was just too observant for her own good, but it was better than the alternative, so I wasn't too put out by it.

Rose and I rock-paper-scissored it over who was on toilet duty that night and I lost, so it was toilet duty for me. I groaned and stalked away as she laughed evilly and left to serve a customer. I didn't mind really. At least I could be by myself for a few minutes to think.

Before I started, I took my half-hour break. I needed it to muster the willpower to actually carry out the chore. I ate the sandwich Mom made and checked my phone, watched a bit of TV in the mini-staffroom, before traipsing back out.

I grabbed the cleaning bucket from the cleaning supply closet and lugged it to the bathroom. Mens always took the longest so I started there first, hanging the 'cleaning in progress' sign up. It was gruelling and it smelled funky, but I persevered and tried to breath through my mouth, sighing with relief when I finished. I checked it off on the cleaning roster the time and my name to say that it had been done and went on over to the women's.

I checked my watch and it was probably around time that Edward left after gardening, if he didn't stay for dinner that was. For some reason, I couldn't see him staying for food when I wasn't there. There was no reason why I should've thought like that, but still. It felt strange for him to sit and chat and eat with my empty seat across from him. I couldn't picture him with just my mom and the kids. Maybe I just _wanted_ to be there.

I shook my head. If I'd wanted to be there, I wouldn't have said yes to my dad when he'd asked me to pick up the extra shift. I was just being silly.

Trying to concentrate on anything but my errant thoughts, I deposited the mop bucket on the floor. It was filled with all the cleaning supplies I needed. I grabbed a few that I would need and started to work. The women's bathroom was always easier than the mens so it took much less time.

The door to the bathroom opened with a squeak and Rose popped her head around the stall I was in, "Are you nearly finished? I'm going on break and Dad's on the phone out back. Cora's on bar, but its gotten kind of busy."

"Right," I nodded, finishing off the last bowl I was on. I put the cleaning supplies back and Rose rang the mop out whilst I stored them back in the empty bucket.

It tended to get rather busy come Friday and Saturday, but Dad had never really let me work weekends because apparently it tended to get a bit rowdy. Small town meant one little strip of shops, which meant one little bar, which inevitably meant mayhem. Or as close to mayhem a small town could get.

Rose helped me carry the stuff back to the cleaning supply cupboard and went to grab her coat and bag. She'd most likely be on the phone to Emmett the entire time with a cigarette between her lips. She was pretty predictable like that.

"I'll be back in half an hour. Good luck holding the fort down," She said, rummaging through her bag.

"Gee, thanks."

She didn't retort, just took her phone and a half-full pack of cigarettes with a lighter tucked inside out of her bag. I grinned and turned around, shaking my head. As I said; predictable.

I'd never seen the bar so full and Cora was dotting around, pushing her black, flouncy curls behind her ears. She smiled when she saw me, but it was fleeting.

I helped Cora serve without break for the longest time yet and took a deep breath, fanning my lips to indicate my boredom, when Cora nudged me as she poured a pint, "Looks like Mrs C's got a new friend."

I frowned and looked up. Mrs Cope never had any _friends_ here. I was wondering who I'd have to save from the inevitable onslaught when I clocked her through a teeny gap between a group of drunken men.

I blinked and stared for a moment, stunned and then cursed when the pint I was pouring sloshed all down my hands. I quickly turned the tap off and offered an apologetic grimace to the customer. He shrugged and tipped me anyway. I smiled waveringly and pocketed the change and then looked back over to Mrs Cope's corner booth.

There she was, all fur coat and hat, grey matted hair and red lipstick. And there was Edward beside her. He'd changed into a clean white shirt, but his jeans were still dirtied with mud and oil. His work boots were the same. His hands were still a little grimy and his hair was wild and untamed. He'd come straight from my house and I wondered if he'd come to see _me_.

 _Victoria works Friday's,_ I thought glumly, and then a little more lively, _but she's not here today._

Did he not know that?

I swallowed as he was laughed at something she was saying. She was smiling right back at him. I frowned because it was so uncanny of her, maybe even a bit unnerving. It was just so out of character for her and I wondered if she was going to change her tune any minute, frown and fume quietly and shake her ringed fingers and shun him away. But she didn't, she continued to smile and pat his arm.

His laughter turned into a small smile as his eyes found mine and I quickly looked away, wiping the drink I'd sloshed down the bar with a rag.

I could feel my cheeks burning and I knew he was coming towards me. A customer waved for my attention and I quickly side-stepped around Cora and served him with a smile and a pounding heart. I handed him his drink with shaking fingers and then Edward stepped into the place he'd vacated.

I stared for a moment, taking him in. I hated to think it, to feel it, but I'd missed him. It was silly and sly, but there nonetheless. He was smiling at me impishly, testing to see if it was okay that he was here, I assumed. It was, for me, but it also wasn't.

"Vickie's sick," I stated calmly, but I was anything but calm. My voice stuttered and my throat felt tight.

"I know."

"She's not here," I felt like I had to explain. His eyes were smouldering and intense, irrelevant of the booming atmosphere surrounding him. It really was crowded in here, cheering and laughter and the loud, collective murmur of voices. I was surprised he could even hear me over the racket.

"I know."

I swallowed and my eyes darted over his face. Eyebrows drawn together, mouth parted slightly, wet in the low light I could see, but his eyes… His eyes were taking me in just as mine were him, "What are you doing here?"

"I thought you'd bailed on me," He shouted over the loud chatter and somebody grumbled from besides him. He ignored them. When I didn't answer, he continued, "Your Mom said you were working, but I didn't believe her."

"Why?" I asked, cutting him off.

He shrugged, "I thought maybe I'd done something wrong… again," He scratched the back of his neck when I just blinked at him dumbly, "I guess I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay between us."

Was it okay between us? I didn't know. I _thought_ things had been fine up until last week. Things _had_ been fine, great even, up until he'd done a complete one-eighty at the mention of Vickie and then he'd just up and left without so much as a goodbye… If anyone should be asking if everything was okay, it should've been _me_. But then I'd been the one who hadn't shown up today…

"Are you going to order or what?" The same grumbling customer asked gruffly, interrupting my wayward thoughts. Edward glared at him, the anger and… possession so intense it stifled me. The man turned away timidly and Edward turned back to me, his green eyes alight with anger. I shot him a hard glare and took a step to the side.

"What can I get ya?" I asked the man sweetly to override Edward's blatant rudeness and he shot Edward one last curious glance before relaying his order to me. I could feel Edward's eyes on me as I poured out his drinks. I could see his fingers tapping impatiently on the edge of the bar, his forearms straining. I avoided his eye as I smiled at the man and handed him his drinks.

Edward's jaw was rolling, his eyes trained on me, but I was suddenly angry at him. How dare he come in here, in my dads bar and expect me to drop everything for him, to treat our customers like that. What did he expect?

I started walking towards the other end of the bar quickly, quietly fuming at him as I threw my cloth over my shoulder with a little more force than necessary. He followed me, weaving through the throngs of people chatting drunkenly, taking up the barstools. His eyes stayed on me. I could feel it, though I paid it no mind.

He stopped when I stopped and wormed his way to the bar again.

I ignored him.

"Can I help you?" I said to a waiting customer and he told me his order. I grabbed a glass from a crate on the back bar and poured a pint of Guinness from the faucet. He ordered another for his friend and clapped him on the back drunkenly. I could see Edward frowning at the guy, impatient. I rounded him up at the register and he let me keep the change with a wink. Edward was full on seething now, irritated with my attention to customers I thought. It infuriated me that he'd do that, in my place of work, my _dad's_ bar. He had no right.

"Bella," He implored.

"What?," I fumed. I planted myself in front of him, raising an eyebrow. He started at my tone and frowned, lowering his head a little more to my level.

"Is everything okay between us?" He repeated, his eyes darting between my own. I marvelled at his long lashes and the flickers of gold in his green eyes and then shook my head at my absurdity.

 _You're angry, remember?_

"Yes," I said quickly, turning away to the backbar, occupying myself with… nothing. I messed around fixing bottles, trivial things that I'd never usually notice. I just needed to calm down before I got myself in trouble. I took a few deeps breaths and fiddled about with another shelf of drinks. All the labelled bottles were positioned perfectly, facing forward and I could see Cora eyeing me up from across the bar, her expression somewhere between confusion and annoyance.

 _Right, I should be working._

Edward followed me as I turned back to the bar, "Are you sure?" His eyes were wild and intense on my face and I could see his chest moving quickly beneath his crisp, white shirt. Was he nervous?

"Yes."

"It doesn't seem like it."

I stopped, defeat lacing my tone when I spoke, "Edward, I'm working."

He stayed silent for a moment, his eyebrows drawing together as he stared at a spot on the bar. I sighed and served a customer besides him.

When I finished up, I wiped my hands on the cloth over my shoulder and froze when he spoke.

"I'm sorry," I'd never seen him so lost and confused and… distraught? He raked his hand through his hair, cursing so quietly, but I couldn't hear over the loud chatter overshadowing his words.

He looked broken and I bit my lip to stifle my own frown. I was acting out irrationally. Sure, he shouldn't have acted in such a manner with the customers near, but he was just confused and hurt by my no-show. He counted on me.

The anger seemed to dissipate from me quickly, but before I could open my mouth, some guy waved a few dollar bills at me. I sighed and went over to serve him, trying my best to muster a smile for him despite being annoyed at his means of getting my attention.

Edward didn't follow me this time.

I rushed to serve the guy, but he didn't notice with his slow blinks and the hiccups racking his shoulders up and down. I threw a soggy coaster down advertising some beer and set the drink on top a little jarringly, quickly rounding him up at the register.

I served two more before I could make my way back to Edward again. He was still staring at a knot in the grain of the wooden bar-top. He didn't see me coming.

Leaning quickly forward over the bar and into his line of vision, I said a quick, but loud, "It's okay."

Because it was.

He blinked at me, and his lips puffed out as he let out a breath of air.

"And we've already established that we need to stop apologising to each other," I tacked on.

An impish smile tugged at his lips, spirits effectively lifted and my heart soared.

I quickly served another customer and grinned as Edward saddled up in his place once again as soon as the customer wandered back to his table. I kept my eyes down, wiping the sticky bar, trying to evade his eye. I didn't want him to see the effect his presence had on me.

"I missed you today."

My eyes cut to his, wide and disbelieving, thoughts of evading him quickly vanishing. I swallowed and dropped my hands again, "You did?"

He nodded and bit his lip and my eyes scrutinised the movement with rapture, "Yeah. I… I like having you there to work with. It makes it fun."

I tried not to let him see the effect his words had on me.

"I hardly think I've been fun," I snorted, but I was sweating under his gaze and my cheeks and ears were burning.

He grinned, "Well, I'll be the judge of that. But really, I missed having you around. It was… weird. Your mom made me stay for dinner and it was strange to say the least."

I laughed, startled, "Really? You stayed?"

"Of course, I couldn't well leave your mom with all that food," He joked and I quirked a brow. He rolled his eyes with a low chuckle that I couldn't hear and I strained to hear him, leaning closer over the bar-top. He leaned towards me, resting his arms on the bar, a smile dancing on his lips, "She can be very persuasive."

I nodded because it was true. She knew how to twist your arm over things. Master manipulator Dad called her. Or he did, at least.

"What are you doing sitting with Madam Bijoux over there?" I nodded my head towards Mrs Cope who was sucking on a mint and re-applying her lipstick in a handheld mirror. Her hands always shook from the ale and I wondered if it would be smeared.

Edward laughed at my nickname for her and I was surprised he got the reference. He didn't have a drink, but he'd found a discarded bottle top and was spinning it on the sticky wooden surface of the bar, catching it nimbly in his long fingers, and then setting it off spinning again with a twist of his fingers. He watched it spin as he spoke, "She came into the garage almost a year ago now with one of her husbands old cars. She said whoever got it up and running again could have it for less than half of what it was worth. She said she didn't have any use for it anymore in her old age, she didn't want or need for money and she had no children to pass it on to. She was a beauty, the car that is," He joked, but it fell flat and he offered an impish grin and raked his hand through his hair, "so I almost snapped her hand off."

"Your car?" I asked, recalling the blue beauty the first time he'd ever bought me a milkshake.

He nodded with a reverent grin.

"Boys and their toys," I rolled my eyes and he chuckled from the other side of the bar.

"She's no toy," He grinned, "she's my baby."

I guffawed and shook my head and somebody called for my attention again. I went over to serve her and when I was finished, Edward took her place at the bar again.

"Will I ever get rid of you?" I joked and he placed his hand over his heart in mock offence.

"You wound me, girl."

The banter was light and cheerful, yet I felt something settling over me, a sense of foreboding because I knew this couldn't last.

I remembered the mints Mrs Cope had given me and pulled it out of my pocket. It was warm and felt slippery in its wrapper. I set in on the bar in front of Edward and he just raised a brow.

"A peace offering," I said, trying to mask my smile.

He bust out laughing and reached into his pocket, setting his own one in front of me, "Ditto."

I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to hold back my laughter, but it didn't last long.

A throat cleared besides me and Rose was eyeing me knowingly, unwavering. My smile dropped.

"Hi, Edward," She said, but her eyes didn't leave me until the last second.

"Rose," He nodded at her with a tight smile.

Rose's eyes cut to me again, sharp and assessing, "Vickie isn't in today," She said with a reticent smile and I knew she was saying it with malicious intent. I looked to Edward to see his reaction, but, outwardly, he was smiling kindly, unfazed by her passive-aggressive insinuation.

"I know," He said with a smile, his eyes darting to me, "I came to see Bella."

"Did you now?" She hummed, her voice laced with unconfined accusation, and she was looking between us. She'd clearly not expected him to be so openly truthful about his intentions.

I cleared my throat, "I was supposed to help with the gardening today."

My eyes flickered to Edwards, hoping he wouldn't accidentally call me out on my lie, or rather my withholding of the full truth. Because I wasn't only helping out with the gardening _today_.

She hummed again, "I see."

Did she see? She was looking at me like she did, but there was nothing _to_ see. We were just friends talking at a bar. That was normal, right? Was this normal? I didn't know.

A regular signalled with his hand to be served and neither of us made a move to serve him. Rose raised her eyebrow and I sighed and darted over to him, shooting Edward an apologetic look as I sauntered over to the other side of the bar.

I served him and a couple of others that meandered over whilst I was over there, my eyes darting over between Rose and Edward as they talked calmly over the bar-top. I watched curiously as Rose leaned a little closer and Edward's nostrils flared at whatever she had said. He pushed off of the bar quickly and hissed a quick 'see you around', tapping the bar-top twice. I couldn't hear from there, but I gathered thats what he'd said from the quick movement of his lips. He looked towards me, his face emotionless, but his eyes were icy, imploring, and then turned and weaved through the small throng of people.

I watched his back as he all but stalked to the exit, smiling shakily as I handed the lady her change. She deposited it in the small charity box besides the register and I thanked her with shaking hands and jumbled thoughts.

The door shutting sounded loud in my ears, but it shut with the same force as normal. It was just me.

Rose was serving somebody by the time I was finished and I waited impatiently as she handed them their drink with a fake laugh at whatever they'd said as she slipped the change they handed back to her in her pocket.

I grabbed her arm as she went to turn away and leaned close so she could hear me, "What was that?"

"What was what?" She asked innocently, but I knew she knew what I meant.

"You know what, Rose," I spat.

She sighed, "Bella, you're playing with fire."

"I'm no—"

"You are!" She cut me off and then cleared her throat and spoke much more calmly, her eyes darting over the patrons before landing on me, "You are, Bella. You may not see it, but you are and you're going to get burned."

"You don't understand."

"Don't understand my ass. You promised me nothing was going on."

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

She raised her brow and I groaned, "Rose, you're being ridiculous. _Nothing_ is going on. I didn't lie." _About that._

"Then why was he here tonight then, huh?"

"He wanted to make sure I was okay. After everything with Riley…"

"It's not his place to," She grumbled.

"No," I agreed and she seemed shocked by my agreeing, "You're right, but he's being _nice._ He was unintentionally roped into all of this mess," I punctuated my statement with a wave of my hand, "and so he's as much involved as anybody else, including you."

It was a low-blow, but it had the desired effect.

She pursed her lips, but remained silent throughout my little tirade.

"What did you say to him?" I asked.

A customer flagged her down with a wave of a crumpled fistful of dollar-bills before she could reply and Cora was busy serving somebody else. Rose's lips thinned in a half-hearted apology and then she turned to serve them.

I sighed and dried a couple glasses as I waited for somebody to call for my attention.

I didn't know it then, but Rose was right.

* * *

It was getting late and I was tired and grumpy and wondering what Rose had said to Edward that would make him react that way.

Mrs Cope had left and a few others, so I knew we'd be closing soon, but I wanted out. Away from Rose and her looks and her accusations. I had enough of that with Riley and I was exhausted, physically, mentally.

I'd gone to the beach with Alice and Leah after practice earlier in the day 'cause I'd felt bad for ditching them last week for ice-cream. It was cold and the damp sand was chilly beneath my feet. We'd messed around and treaded water with our skirts pulled up to our hips. We'd splashed and laughed and joked and things had felt normal.

And then I'd gone to the bar and all of _that_ had happened and I just wanted to go home now and curl up into a ball in bed and succumb to sleep… or maybe slip my hands between my thighs and let myself succumb to thoughts of Edward that left me dizzy and panting and satiated.

I slipped into Dad's office and he didn't notice me for a moment, but then he did and his bushy eyebrows rose, "What's up, Bells?"

I held my tummy like it hurt, "I've got cramps."

 _Another lie._

He stood quickly, his face reddening and he cleared his throat and spluttered a little, "Do you need to go home?"

He hated girl-talk, especially anything to do with the fact that his daughter had a reproductive system. It was his weak spot and I knew it.

I fake-winced and nodded, "I think so."

He made to grab his keys, "I'll drop you off."

I shook my head, "I'll call Riley. You're busy."

I wouldn't call Riley. I wanted to walk, to let myself think and wind-down. The fresh air would help to clear my head.

"You sure?" He asked, but I knew he was relieved.

"Yeah, he won't mind."

I grabbed my jacket and bag and left. Rose was wiping down the bar when I brushed past her, but I didn't say a word as she called for me.

I slipped my hands into my pockets at the ensuing burst of cold air that hit me when I opened the door and tucked my chin into my jacket. I started walking, quickly bypassing the small strip of shops across the street from the bar. The blinking light of the pharmacy was still lit up.

I didn't look up when an engine started up besides me, or headlights flickered on. I didn't look up when a car door opened after a few seconds, but I did when the familiar voice called, "Bella?"

Edward was walking carefully towards me, almost as if he was uncertain how I would react to his advancing.

"Edward?" I echoed dumbly and my footsteps slowly came to a stop, "What are you doing here?"

I looked around me at the deserted street. It was empty. The only sounds were that of the of the faint but persistent buzzing pharmacy light and the voices spilling out of the bar. I heard the bell ding for last orders and was glad that I'd left.

He didn't speak until he was in front of me and even then he took a moment to compose himself, still so unsure of me. I wondered if it had something to do with what Rose had said to him.

"I had to go to the pharmacy for Vickie," He said, brushing strands of wayward hair from his eyes. I watched, transfixed and my fingers twitched at my sides, "What are you doing walking around this late?"

"I'm going home."

"You're _walking_ home?" He sounded dismayed.

I nodded dumbly, "I was tired."

It sounded silly now. Forks was a small town, but there were bad people in every town. At least, thats what my mom had drilled into me since I was a kid. I guess Dad didn't get the memo.

"Let me take you," He said quickly.

I frowned, "It's not that far…" But something in the look he shot me had the words dying on my lips, "Okay."

It was just too easy to give into him. And maybe that was the problem.

For the second time in my life, I climbed into the passenger seat of his car, taking in the heady scent of the _Black Ice_ car freshener dangling from the rearview mirror, which only slightly masked the smell of oil and the haze of his smokes. He cranked the heater up and I set the familiar green pharmacy bag on my lap.

"How is she?" I asked. The bag felt heavy.

"Who?" He asked, looking over his shoulder as he reversed out of the parking space. His hand was on the headrest of my seat and I just kind of stared at the hairs on his forearms and his fingers and the green-blue veins straining in his biceps. I adjusted my butt in the seat, trying not to stare, and then hearing the crinkle of the bag in my lap, he continued, "Oh. Yeah, she's okay. Just a little bunged up. She gets like that with the change in weather."

I nodded like I knew, but I didn't.

"Anyway," He continued, pulling his arm away. It brushed a strand of my hair, tickling my shoulder and I shivered. He didn't notice, or pretended not to, I didn't know. He started off down the street, "She called and asked me to get some stuff for her." He gestured to the bag in my lap.

I bobbed my head awkwardly and then, realising what he'd said, I turned to him quickly, "Called? Wasn't you with her?"

He frowned, "No. She's at her parents. Uh, your aunt and uncles." He corrected dismissively.

I mulled it over quietly, contemplatively. I knew that Vickie and Edward didn't live together, but I knew she stayed around his place more often than not.

"Oh."

He cocked an eyebrow, "Why the twenty questions?"

I shrugged, "I was just making conversation."

He made a face like he knew I was lying and I tried not to look at him. I watched the trees blur past outside of the window for a minute, my fingers picking at a fray in my jeans.

 _Arctic Monkey's_ came on the radio and I turned it up, smiling, but he lowered it back down quickly. I frowned.

"Did you speak to Rose?" He asked calmly, but his hands were clenched around the wheel and his words were empty, purposefully aiming for emotionless, but I knew better.

"Yes."

"And?" He wouldn't look at me.

"Whose asking all the questions now?" I joked, trying to lighten the mood, but he shot me a look and I sighed, "What did you guys talk about?"

His head turned quickly to me, back to the road just as quickly, "She never said?"

I shook my head, but he wasn't looking, "No."

He seemed to exhale in relief and let go of he wheel with one hand, raking it through his hair, "Good."

I frowned at his blatant relief. It only made me want to find out all the more. The nagging doubt, the uncertainty, the need to find out what had gotten him so worked up that he'd stormed out again.

"What did she say?"

"Nothing of significance."

"It seemed pretty significant to me."

He eyed me with contempt, "Just drop it. Its none of your concern."

"Like hell—"

I pursed my lips at the look he shot me, "Can we just forget about it?"

"Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack." A mask of humour.

"Edward," I shot blandly.

"No, Bella," He shot back, glaring hardly at me, but then his features softened, "I've got… a lot on my plate."

"So, why don't you just tell me and—"

"No! Just drop it, okay?"

I flinched at the venom in his voice and scoffed in shock.

"Seriously? _You've_ got a lot on your plate? Like what? Ignoring me one minute, turning up at my work the next? Or, better yet, storming off when you do turn up at my work —at the bar my _dad_ owns nonetheless— and then giving me rides home afterwards? " I snorted contemptuously, but then guilt surged through me. I'd stepped out of line…

"Bella," He groaned curtly, like he was admonishing an annoying kid, "You have no idea…" He laughed bitterly and my guilt ebbed away. A surge of anger rattled through me. My hands shook in my lap, my heart pounded so hard it _hurt._

"What, Edward? Am I hitting the nail on the head, am I saying it _exactly_ as it is?"

His nostrils flared, a red flag, but I ignored it, pushing on.

I laughed sharply again, shaking my head with a sneer, "Giving our customers shit when you have no right to. It's a two-way street, Edward. You cant just expect me to drop everything for you when you can barely look at me half of the time. And when you do, its all milkshakes and long talks and messing with my—…" I cut off abruptly, taking a deep breath, "Vickie doesn't even know that you're with me every friday, does she? She has no idea, right? You're dragging me into _your_ mess without even telling me. What if I'd off-handedly said something in front of her? What then? She'd get pissy at _me_ and—"

"FUCK!"

The car jerked to a stop and I had press my hand against the dashboard to hold myself upright. The pharmacy bag slid off of my lap. We were both breathing heavy and Edward had his head in his hands.

"Fuck!" He cursed again, hitting the steering wheel hard with the heel of his hand. The car lurched and my heart quickened.

"Don't you get it?" He asked wildly, his eyes darting over my face, his chest heaving.

"Get what?" I asked breathlessly. I was too scared to be angry now. I felt like a pinball, my emotions all over the place. If I was the pinball, he was unarguably the player, the instigator for my wish-washy emotions. I pressed myself against the car door, admittedly a little scared of how he was acting.

His shoulders sagged and he shook his head, turning his head to face out of the side window. It felt like he stayed that way for an eternity, but he eventually composed himself and faced forward again. Wordlessly, he started the engine up again and took off down the road.

He didn't speak for the remainder of the drive and I listened to Alex Turner sing about crumbling and greetings that started with goodbye and spoiled surprises. And I couldn't help but… understand.

It wasn't long until we were outside my house, the car idling on the sidewalk. The streetlight flickered outside, casting intermittent shadows across his face, yellow, black, yellow, black.

"Thanks for the ride," I said lowly, testing the waters. My voice shook.

He nodded, his eyes cast forward.

"Don't mention it."

He probably meant it literally.

I sighed and turned to leave, but stalled for a moment. I turned my head over my shoulder, "Edward?"

He didn't speak, didn't turn to me.

I took a shaky breath, "I'm sorry."

My turn now it seemed.

I expected him to bring up the whole over-excessive apology thing we seemed to have between us, just to ease the tension that seemed to constantly shroud us, but he was stony and silent.

He turned his head. Away from me, "Me, too."

I looked down, at the pharmacy bag on the floor, at the air-freshener dangling from the mirror, swaying gently, at the fists in his lap, the quick movements of his chest.

I swallowed and willed the tears away, and, leaning quickly across the seat before I could second-guess myself, I pressed my lips against his cheek. His skin was rough beneath my lips with a few days worth of stubble and I itched to move an inch to the right where I knew I'd find soft, pliant lips. His eyes were pinched shut when I slowly pulled away, his nostrils flared. The light cast him in yellow as I pulled away, back to black as I slipped out of the car.

"I'm sorry," I said again, but for a lot more this time.

For kissing him like that, even if it was just the cheek.

For inadvertently messing up his relationship with Vickie, even though it was seemingly on the mend.

For the lies, even if both of us were lying.

For liking him, even if… But there was no 'even if'. I just liked him. _Like_ -liked him.

The car revved before I could even shut the door and he peeled off of my street quicker than I could blink. Before the tear could find its way onto my cheek.

* * *

 **A/N- The past few weeks have been hectic to say the least and I'm sorry for not replying to every review, but just know that I read and appreciate _every single one_! I'm back on track now and significantly less stressed (and sick, thanks for your well wishes!) You guys all deserve Edward-Milkshakes, instead you get this update. Fair? Yeah, I'd be pissed, too… **

**Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Stereophonics.**

 **Oh, and if you're wondering what Arctic Monkey's song was playing in the car, it was "505" *shivers*. I crumble completely when I hear that song. Get it? Okay, ignore me.**

 **Hearts.**


	13. 13: Tequila Sunrise

**Chapter 13: Tequila Sunrise**

Edward evaded me like the plague for a couple weeks after the whole car ride debacle. Waking up the following morning to an overcast yet blue sky and the smallest hint of sun, the repercussions of my actions the night before hit me with a pang.

It was wrong of me to do that to him, to put him on the spot like that, to go against his relationship with my cousin. I felt disgust creep over me and settle in my stomach, in my head. I'd laid there for a few minutes, composing my thoughts, wondering how I was going to fix this.

I could pass it off as a friendly goodbye, a quick peck on the cheek, but I knew it wasn't like that and I was pretty sure he knew it, too. I could pretend that it didn't happen. Maybe he'd feel the same and we'd just never broach the subject again. Simple. Except, it wasn't really that simple at all. This whole situation was fucked up and it was all my doing. I was a silly girl with a silly crush and silly ideas that mediated silly actions with little regard for others. But that wasn't exactly true either, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here beating myself up over it. I _felt_ bad and that was the problem.

In any other circumstance, a kiss on the cheek was completely normal, familial, but because I _knew_ it wasn't like that, I couldn't chase the guilt away.

Mom was merely disappointed the following Friday when Edward had called to say he wouldn't be able to make it that evening. I was devastated.

It was early, before school started, but I was late and shoving a piece of overly buttered toast into my mouth in my haste to leave when Mom came into the kitchen with a sleepy Maggie, her head on Mom's shoulder as she tried to fight off sleep. She had the phone in her other hand and I knew. I just knew.

I froze, the piece of toast hanging out of my mouth a little, my fingers wet and slick with butter. She set the phone in the cradle, "Edward just called," She stated calmly and my heart squeezed in my chest, "He can't make it tonight. Something about working late, so you get the night off. Why don't you call Alice and Leah and see if they want to do something? I haven't seem them around here in a while."

I started chewing again and nodded quickly, "Yeah, I will."

But I didn't. Instead, I festered and half-heartedly sketched and festered some more because I knew he wasn't working late. I knew it was just an excuse. The reality was that he didn't want to be around me anymore.

I knew I was being silly. It had only been last week that I'd been avoiding him, choosing to work at the bar instead of helping him with the gardening. But even still, it hurt. And it was a completely different scenario; I'd been the one to mess up this time and in a major way to boot.

The following week followed the same pattern. The phone call, the disappointment, the no-show, the festering.

So I poured myself into schoolwork and practicing our cheer recitals and jumping at the chance to babysit before Mom could even get the words out of her mouth. She'd laugh, the laugh that shook and rung with unrestrained confusion, and she'd agree half-heartedly, probably wondering why I was so enthused at the prospect of babysitting my younger siblings. Any other teenager would kick up a fuss and throw a strop, and I probably would've a few weeks ago, but I needed the distraction.

I finally took the girls up on their offer of ice-cream, despite the quickly depleting temperature outside, and let Riley take me shopping and when he'd asked if I was hungry afterwards, I'd agreed without thinking. When he'd pulled up at the diner, I'd sat up, fretting and adamant that I couldn't eat there anymore 'cause I'd found a hair in my burger. He'd frowned, but pulled out of the parking lot, opting for somewhere else instead. Somewhere that didn't remind me of green eyes and pink 'shakes.

It took Edward all of three weeks to come back around. The grass had grown longer in his absence and he'd have to cut it again.

He surprised us all when he showed up, but most of all me. I was sure he'd given up on it, too disgusted with my actions to have to be in my presence. I was so sure, but then I heard the front door open and Mom say, "Oh, hi, Edward! I didn't realise you were coming over…"

And thats all it took for me to dart from my bed, where I'd been doodling along the margins of my schoolwork, to peer out of my bedroom window. I stubbed my toe in my haste and cursed quietly as I peered out, rubbing it against my other leg. I couldn't see him past the portico, but his car was parked across the street and I could hear him speaking in low, warm tones to my mom. I couldn't help the dizzying smile or the pounding of my heart as I paced across my room, wondering if he was here to work on the backyard and if he'd still want my help.

I heard the front door shut and his heavy footfalls as he went out the back. I went out onto the landing, walking down to the end until I was at the window overlooking the backyard. Edward was out there, speaking to Mom still.

I hadn't seen him in the flesh in over two weeks and the sight of him almost had my knees buckling. A crippling mixture of guilt and desire surged through me at the hard set of his face, the tousled hair, greased with oil at the front from his wayward fingers after a long day at the garage, the hard planes of his chest, visible through the dirtied, taut t-shirt he had on. He was sin exemplified.

I watched as Maggie hid behind Mom's legs and stared at him, much like I was from the window. I watched as he smiled and tugged on his hair and folded his arms and Mom darted inside to grab him a drink. I watched him gather the gardening equipment up and set it near the table. And then, almost as if he could sense my eyes on him, that familiar prickling of the skin, he stopped and looked up to me. He squinted and straightened his back and his features settled and then he just… stared right back.

I squealed and ducked out of the way, embarrassed at being caught.

Something inexplicable fizzled beneath my skin, electrifying my heart into overdrive. I placed my hand over my chest as if to steady it. I could feel its unsteady beat against my fingertips.

I stayed there for a second, my back against the wall, chest pounding. And then, like a little kid, I chanced a peek out of the window. When I saw his back was to me again, I moved further into the window where I could see him better, and this time when he spotted me, I didn't move away.

His eyes pierced me, emotionless from way up here, and I wondered what he was thinking.

He turned his back after a moment and I could breath again. I wondered if that was a hint, a dismissal. I wondered again if he wanted my help.

I got my answer when Mom called up the stairs, "Bella, Edwards here!"

I carefully treaded downstairs, wary with a convoluting stomach. But it seemed I had nothing to be wary of because Edward was perfectly polite, perfectly himself, perfectly perfect. Of course, I knew he wasn't perfect, but I looked at him with the naiveté that came with being a seventeen year old girl with a more-than-schoolgirl crush. No, he wasn't perfect, nobody was really, but I adored him all the more for it.

Edward smiled like everything was normal, the same, when the reality was far from so. He ran his greased fingers through his hair, leaving a smear of black across his hairline. I stifled my grin and fiddled with a tear in my shorts as Mom chatted his ear off.

"Long time, no see," He said when she left. His smile was small, wavering.

"Must've been some job to keep you busy for three weeks," I jibbed, fishing. My voice shook.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, bending down to sort through a tool roll, "Uh, yeah. I had some stuff to deal with."

I nodded along with him, snapping the gloves he handed me on, "So it had nothing to do with me?"

I regretted the words immediately, felt the familiar blush bloom along my cheeks. I shook my hair free and used it as a net between us. I hadn't done that in years. His presence had that effect.

He didn't speak for a moment and I chanced a peek at him. He'd stood up so quietly, I hadn't even noticed, his eyes intense on mine. I blinked up at him, my hands falling to my side.

I watched his adams apple bob as his eyes darted over my face. His mouth opened as if to speak, but he quickly closed it, thinking better of it. He shook his head and went back to sorting through the tools.

I frowned at his back, wondering what he'd been about to say.

Maybe I didn't want to know.

The cheek-kiss wasn't mentioned and I was partially glad and partially hurt that it seemingly hadn't affected him at all. Another part of me felt completely sick that I would _want_ him to feel something.

We worked into the winter and when it got too cold and miserable to even attempt gardening, we called it quits until it inevitably warmed up again. It was a bummer, but at least I had something to look forward to. At least I knew that he'd be in my near future.

There wasn't much to be done anyway. The yard resembled any other now, neat and well-trimmed, although by winters end I suspected it would need another round of mowing and trimming. We'd uprooted all the weeds and thistles and browning bushes that Mom and I had planted when I was a kid, but a few that had survived the years remained.

"Would you like to keep the flowers?" Edward had asked Mom, gesturing to the red rhododendrons and white azaleas lining the perimeter of the lawn. His eyes flashed to mine.

"Oh, yes. Bella and I planted them when she was just a little girl. They have too much meaning to throw them out," She nodded, squeezing my arm affectionately, positively gushing over her new lawn. It really was transformed.

She was right, of course. They did have meaning. Maybe just not in the way she thought.

* * *

In November, we celebrated Edward's 30th birthday. I was nervous and excited all at once. I didn't want a repeat of my birthday disaster, but the whole family would be there.

Things kind of fell into perspective when we arrived at Aunt Angie's and Uncle Phil's, where the party was taking place. There was Mom and Dad and me, Rose and Emmett, Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil, a couple of men I didn't recognise —probably from the garage or something— Vickie and Edward himself. That was all. No family, no life-long friends.

Edward only had us.

Vickie had invited more friends than he had, but, despite that, his grin lit up the room.

He came through the door, the biggest smile plastered on his face to a chorus of cheers. It was the smartest I'd seen him dressed and not a smudge of oil or dirt. Dark jeans and a crisp, white button-up shirt. His hair was wet still from his shower and his cheeks were pink. He hated the attention, but Vickie was exuberant under his arm as she squeezed his mid-section and kissed his cheek, dressed equally as nice in a flowing black dress, cinched around the middle and laced up her back. I tried not to frown as she wrapped her arm around his middle and stayed there as they went about greeting everybody.

I was standing with Mom and Dad, but they were oblivious to me as they spoke to a tall guy Edward worked with at the garage. I took a small sip from the champagne flute Mom had begrudgingly allowed me— _If only she knew…_ —and watched as Edward made his rounds.

He politely shook hands and took long mouthfuls from his glass. It looked clear and fizzy and I wondered what it was. I figured he was more of a beer guy. He was nervous, it was oozing off of him, but he tried not to let it show. Vickie made up for it by talking everybody's ear off as Edward stood stoically by her side, a fake smile plastered on his lips, but his eyes were darting everywhere.

They were talking to Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil, Vickie gabbing animatedly to her parents when Edward's eyes sought mine over the rim of his glass. He raised his eyebrows, swallowed and held the glass up in my direction, a small, wet smile on his lips in cheers.

I tipped my champagne flute to him and smiled right back. And then he was back to playing the prize, being chaperoned around the room by Vickie as she introduced him to her friends from out of town and ones he'd met before. He smiled politely and nodded along as they spoke, but I could tell he was antsy for it to be over.

I downed the small amount left at the bottom of my flute and excused myself from a conversation I had no part in. Mom was frowning at me disapprovingly, but I knew she wouldn't stop me as I went to the kitchen to fill my glass up. It would cause too much of a scene.

The kitchen was empty and dimly lit, to add to the atmosphere Vickie would say. I don't know why she'd done all of this. I just knew it wasn't Edward's thing.

Gold and cream balloons arched over the kitchen entrance and about littered every table. Gold streamers and sequins covered every surface. The cake was huge, two-tiered and very much over the top for someone like Edward. A small pile of presents, all wrapped in gold wrapping paper, were piled in the corner. I scoffed as I passed them, wondering what they'd buy for someone like him. A tie? Cufflinks? Not likely. I didn't even know what Mom and Dad had gotten him, or if they'd even gotten him anything at all. But, of course, Mom would; she couldn't stand the shame of turning up if she hadn't.

I poured myself a fresh glass and swirled it like I'd watched others do. I didn't know why. I felt silly being here, dressed like this, drinking this. It was just Edward's birthday, why all the fanciness? I glared down at my gold slinky dress and my heels.

I fitted just right in with the decor. Out of place and unnecessary.

I wasn't really one for champagne and as I took another sip of my new glass, I had to fight to keep my features in check. I was the youngest person here and I didn't want my age to put a damper on the occasion. It was Edward's birthday after all. I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his friends, the few that he had, so I pursed my lips and took another sip, fighting the urge to cringe away from the bitter taste.

A hand pressed against the exposed portion of my back, sending shivers up and down my spine. I swallowed and smiled as I felt his fingers linger over my birthmark. I could feel his breath on my neck, "You look ravishing."

I froze at the unfamiliar voice and took a small step forward. The edge of the table grazed my hips.

I turned to face the stranger, seeing the tall guy my parents had been speaking with earlier. He was smiling lopsidedly and eyeing me up and down. I felt goosebumps spring along my arms and legs, prickling my skin, but he mistook my response for something else as his smile grew.

"It's Isabella, right?" He held out his hand. I tentatively reached out to shake his extended hand, wary at his forwardness.

"Yes. Uh, no. Bella. I prefer Bella," I stumbled over my words awkwardly. He mistook that too, saw it as shyness in his presence as opposed to discomfort.

His lips pressed to the back of my hand, "I'm Peter."

"Nice to meet you," I said, smiling cautiously. He was a charmer, that was for sure.

"How do you know Edward?" He asked, eyes on my chest.

He was cute, I guess. Shaggy dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, dimples.

"I don't. Not really," Too quick, too guilty, "He's my cousins boyfriend."

"Ahh, Victoria?"

"Yeah. You've met her?" _Duh._

"Can't miss her."

I frowned, not liking the way he'd said it.

"Peter," Edward, standing in the doorway. Leaning there, really. How long had he been there? He straightened, eyes focused on his friend as he made his way over to us. I breathed when Peter took a step back. Edward's arm slid lightly over my hip, resting there as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "I see you've met Vic's favourite cousin."

He smiled down at me, but his eyes were wild, angry. At me?

His gaze travelled back to his friend. _No, definitely not me._

"Yeah, I came to get a drink and bumped into Isabella here," Peter winked in my direction. I stiffened, but not through choice. Edward's grip on my hip had tightened, almost painfully so.

"Did you get one?"

"Uh, no. Not yet," Peter chuckled awkwardly, raking his hand through his messy hair, his eyes darting to mine, pleading for… something.

"Why not?"

"I was just—" Peter gestured to me and I felt kind of sorry for the guy now.

"Can I speak to you for a moment?" Edward asked, his arm falling away. His fingers tickled as they traipsed across my spine and my skin prickled again. This time in the best way. "In private."

"Yeah, man," Peter blinked, stupefied. He offered me an impish smile, eyes bright, "Nice to meet you, Bella."

I smiled and nodded, "Yeah, you too."

I watched as they went out the sliding glass doors onto the patio. Edward's eyes caught mine as the door slid closed, his expression hard and stony, and then he turned and disappeared into the dark shrouding my view.

I breathed, deep and shaky and took another sip of my drink. My hands shook and I didn't know why.

I waited it out for them to come back in. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to talk to Edward, but luck wasn't on my side because my mom came bustling in after a few minutes of waiting around, her face stern.

"Isabella," She spoke in a harsh whisper and I cursed my luck as she strode over to me, hand on hip, eyebrow raised. I heard the glass door slide open and groaned quietly, "How many glasses have you had?"

"Mom," I pleaded, eyes darting to Edwards over her shoulder. Peter was behind him. He slapped Edward on the back and offered me an apologetic smile as he slipped back through the archway to the sound of music and the mingling of voices.

"I'm serious, Isabella. You're seventeen. I won't condone this sort of behaviour. One or two is fine."

"This is my second," I muttered.

"Oh," She seemed shocked by my admission, "Well, don't have anymore after that."

I rolled my eyes as she noticed Edward over her shoulder, "Oh, hi, Edward! Happy Birthday, again."

"Thank you, Renee. It means a lot that you're here," His charm worked well on her. She was grinning like the Chesire Cat, her lecturing me forgotten about.

"Oh, you don't have to thank me, dear. You're family."

Edward smiled, but his eyes were sad, "Still. Thank you."

They spoke for a while, and I smiled and nodded when Mom mentioned something that concerned me, but Aunt Angie soon poked her head around the corner, asking for Mom for a moment. She excused herself with a hand on his arm and an off-handed apology.

We didn't speak for a moment, listening to the clack of their heels as they left.

I cleared my throat just as he spoke, "I'm sorry about that before."

I let the fact that he apologised slide, forgetting we didn't do that anymore, "What was it all about?"

"He was coming onto you."

My eyes almost bugged out of their head, "I don't think—"

"He was," He interrupted, resolute in his insistence, "I've known him for a long time. He didn't know you were so young. He's sorry."

 _Again, with the age thing._

I shook my head, closing my eyes, "It's okay."

" _I'm_ sorry."

I snorted, "It's not your fault and besides, we don't apologise, remember?"

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes, "I guess."

"Nothing happened," I added and he tensed slightly, nodding.

"I know. He was right though."

"About what?" I frowned, mulling over the short conversation we'd had, but nothing stood out.

 _…_ "You _do_ look ravishing," His smile said he was messing around with me, but his eyes said otherwise. Trailing over the thin spaghetti straps, flecked with gold, the cinched waist and the swoop of the low neckline.

I choked on my laugh and Edward chuckled along with me, his eyes sparkling. I bit my lip to hide my smile, "Thanks."

His teeth raked over his bottom lip, "It's the truth. Isabella, I—"

The lights shut off suddenly and I took a step back, realising how close I was to him. I frowned, looking around me, but my eyes couldn't adjust to the darkness in time for the small crowd to move through the archway towards us, illuminated by the flickering candles on the gold and white cake.

I heard Edward exhale shakily bedsides me and turn to face the advancing crowd of friends and family. I joined their chorus of _Happy Birthday_ and watched as Edward smiled and laughed, eyes dancing over the friends and family converging in on us.

I distanced myself to allow Vickie and our parents to move forward with the cake, being gradually pushed towards the back as they stood in front of him.

"Make a wish!" Aunt Angie exclaimed, fixing the zero of the '30' candles stuck in the middle of the cake.

Edward grinned and shook his head, bending down to close his eyes for a moment. His face was illuminated by the shadows, the flames flickering over his features. He blew and his eyes flickered open, lashes shadowed above his eyes making them look unbelievably long.

I wondered what he wished for, if anything at all. Did older people still do that? And then I thought of my birthday wish, a lifetime ago now, and tried not to be swallowed by the guilt. A chorus of cheers went up as he lifted his head, his teeth gleaming with his grin. He laughed exuberantly, like I'd never seen him before, as his eyes swept over the gathering around him. His eyes found mine on the periphery of the small crowd and he smiled a secret smile, all-knowing and pitiful.

I smiled back, unsure and tainted with sadness.

What a pair we made.

* * *

"Didn't your mother say to stop at two?" Fingers traced the outline of the heart on my back.

I was in the kitchen pouring myself another sneaky drink when Edward crept up on me. It had been a couple of hours and he'd been doing the rounds with Vickie again. I hadn't spoken to him since then. I'd ate a slice of the cake whilst I observed him, but the icing was too thick and sweet and the sponge wasn't spongy. I guess I preferred homemade ones. Edward didn't eat his either. I guess he thought the same. He'd ate the one Mom made for my birthday.

I spun to face him, smirking up at him. He grinned back at me with a lazy, lopsided lilt to his lips.

His fingers dropped to my waist, squeezing once, before he released me. I teetered a little in my heels and he took a step back, "I haven't seen you all night."

I hummed around the rim of my glass, taking a slow sip. He waited for me with a knowing smile, "You've been a busy man."

He chuckled, shaking his head, "I haven't seen you in a _while_."

"I'm a busy girl."

He threw his head back as he laughed and I could see the ink peaking out at the collar of his shirt, "I don't doubt it." His eyes landed on my feet, my calfs, up to my hips, my navel and finally my face, "You really do look stunning."

I clucked my tongue, "Are you drunk, Mister Cullen?"

"What? No," He blanched, frowning and I wondered what I'd said wrong.

"It doesn't matter if you are. It _is_ your birthday," I quickly amended. I didn't want to put a damper on his seemingly good mood.

He smiled at me quickly, but the familiar camaraderie was gone, "I'm best getting back to Vickie," He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder, "She'll be wondering where I got to."

I tucked a stray strand of hair around my ear, nodding down at the floor, "Okay."

He reached past me, grabbing a bottle of Sprite from behind me. He poured himself a glass. I thought it odd that he'd add the mixer before the hard stuff, but then he didn't add the 'hard stuff'.

"Just soda?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He took a sip and licked his lips, shrugging.

"I don't feel like drinking."

I frowned because _really?_ I mean, each to their own, but it was his thirtieth birthday. Did he not want to celebrate? Before I could ask, he brandished the glass at me and smirked, turning to leave.

"Edward?" I spluttered quickly, my heart pounding. _What was I doing?_

He stopped, turning to look at me over his shoulder, "What's up?"

I smothered a grin, "Happy Birthday."

His smile lit up the room, and me. Inside out.

"Thank you," And then he was gone.

I took another few sips from my flute, letting the familiar buzz settle over me, before reemerging back into the party. Vickie was on the phone in the corner, one finger over her ear to block out the noise around her. She spied me and waved me over and I tried not to let the guilt show on my face as I made my way over to her.

"Bells, it's Al and Lee-lee," She slurred a little and swayed in her spot. I realised it was my phone pressed against her ear.

I took it from her carefully, hoping she hadn't snooped through my messages. I still hadn't deleted the old ones from Edward and I berated myself for the mistake.

I pressed it to my ear, pulling Vickie with me to another room where it was quieter, "Hello?"

"Bellaaaa," It was Alice, drawling my name in a drunken stupor, "We miss youuuu."

I laughed a little, "Hey, Al."

"We're at the beach. Come."

"Yeah, Ells-Bells, come," Leah interrupted before bursting into a coughing fit. Alice was laughing her ass off at her.

I had no idea where the new nickname came from.

"Hold on a minute, Leah's choking on Peach Schnapps," Alice snickered. I waited for a moment as Alice hit her up the back. I could tell by the distant pattering sound.

Vickie took slow blinks at me, wondering why I was so silent on the phone all of a sudden and I took it away from my ear a little to explain to her. She just laughed and shook her head.

I heard movement on the other end and then, "'ello, you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Well, are you coming?"

I sighed, "I can't. I'm at a party."

"Party?" Leah offered up in the background, her voice hoarse.

"It's Edward's birthday," I explained, "We had a little family gathering for him."

"Well, its almost eleven now. Is it not ending soon? It's all old people, right?"

I made to disagree and then realised that, to them, thirty was old. I pursed my lips, "I guess—"

"Great, we'll see you soon."

"Alice—"

But the phone went dead. I pulled it away from my ear and stared at it for a moment.

"What'd she say?" Vickie asked.

"They're at the beach. They want me to come."

"Ooh, yeah, sounds good," She grinned, but her eyes were slow on the blink.

"I don't think—"

"Oh, come on, Bella," She whined, "Don't be such a spoilsport."

I raised my eyebrow at her pout, "Fine."

* * *

Someone had put together a little campfire and it blazed in the salty-wind and the frost of the autumn air. The flames licked higher as the wind swept over it and I got lost in it's flickering flames for a moment.

Thankfully, someone had had the forethought to bring blankets with them and I was swaddled in one. I'd changed into a pair of jeans and a blue v-neck blouse before coming, but it was still chilly on the beach. The tide was high and the sky blended with the sea, it was so dark. But I could still hear its dull crash. The sound had always soothed me.

Edward had drove us here, since he was the only sober one. Emmett was working in the morning so he'd only had a couple of cans. Him and Rose had taken his car.

They'd left the group half hour ago and I didn't really want to think about what they were doing.

Alice, Leah and Vickie were dancing to some lame music blasting from somebody's car. They'd left all of the doors open and cranked it right up. Someone should've really turned it down. Sure, we were far enough into the beach that you couldn't really see us, hidden by the dense foliage of the forest toeing the edge of the beach across the carpark, but the noise might've given us away. The sea spread out on our right and the dense trees to our left. Right across from me, up on an incline, were the bluffs. Some people dived off them into the frigid water below, but I wasn't stupid. Knowing my luck, I'd face-plant the rocks below. The main cliffs were diagonally across the water. They were my favourite, looking out over the whole town on the other side.

I recognised a few seniors from school, a few people I shared classes with, but there were others from the school on the rez that I didn't recognise. Some guy with cropped black hair and sun-soaked skin was eyeing Leah up as he talked to his friends across the fire, his eyes flickering to her dancing form as he took slow sips from his red cup, licking his lips. He was cute, I guess.

Speaking of cute.

Edward was sitting across from me, staring into the flames. I figured this wasn't really his scene. I mean, he was thirty and he was at a beach party with a bunch of high-schoolers. There were a few people I knew had left school here, but they were still only a few years older than myself, nowhere near Edward's age. I kind of felt bad for him. I wondered what he was thinking. I probably didn't want to know.

I couldn't dwell on it too long though because Alice was suddenly in front of me, shimmying her hips provocatively and making _come-hither_ fingers with both of her hands. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, hiding my smile in the blanket draped over my shoulders. It was a mottled green with stains smearing it in some places. I tried not to let it touch my skin too much. God knows where it had been.

Alice pouted and came over, grabbing my arms to hoist me up. I resisted and then relented after she pouted and begged some more.

I let the blanket fall into the sand and followed her over to where they were dancing, if you could call it that. Vickie was just swaying, Leah was doing some mad movement with her arms, her eyes closed, and Alice was…. Alice was trying to get me to dance. She was bobbing her head and sloshing her drink in the sand. She wiped some from her chin and grinned like she had no care in the world.

She put a drink in my hands and encouraged me to drink. I did, and then some more and more, until the cup was empty. I dropped it into the sand and as I danced, I felt the plastic squish beneath my feet.

Irina spotted me after a little while, waving as she leaned on her tippy-toes over the group of girls she was talking to. I grinned, I think, and waved back, but I couldn't be sure. My movements felt sluggish and heavy, my eyelids slow on the blink. I closed my eyes for a moment, letting my body move, and opened them when I felt a cool hand on my arm.

"Hey." Irina, pretty in a white dress and barefoot, her hair loose and naturally curly.

"Hi. I didn't know you were here."

"I just got here," She turned as she said it, looking over her shoulder. I followed her line of vision. Felix was laughing as he slapped a hand on someones back. Edwards, I realised.

Her cheeks were pink when she turned around. I raised an eyebrow, "You and Fe—"

"No, no," She rushed to interrupt, her cheeks darkening to a deep red. She pressed the backs of her fingers to them, to cool them I imagined, "I just— He gave me a ride."

"Oh."

"Yeah," She laughed awkwardly, but maybe a little longingly, too.

She was biting her lip, blushing and scrunching her toes in the sand. I'm sure she wished she hadn't come over now. Just as I thought it, she jabbed a finger over her shoulder, "I should probably get back to the girls."

"Yeah, sure. I guess I'll see you at practice?"

She huffed, "Wouldn't miss it."

Yeah, Kate had really been drilling our asses lately. Apparently, we weren't up to parr with the guys on the rez and it showed in our last game. I was sure she was just nit-picking, but she was the captain so I couldn't say.

"Kate would kill you if you did."

"Exactly," She laughed, "but I wouldn't say that too loud."

She pointed over my shoulder, smirking, and sure enough Kate was twisting her blonde hair up into a bun by the backend of the truck, chatting to some guy.

I stifled a giggle, "Damn. I don't think I've ever seen her smile."

Irina busted out a laugh and slapped my shoulder playfully, "I can't believe you've just said that."

"What? It's true," I laughed. It felt nice to speak to someone so freely. I loved my girls, but Irina was sweet and easy-going. "I know you were thinking it, too."

She pursed her lips and moved her eyes side-to-side jokingly, "Maybe."

A girl bustled over to us, falling into Irina a little. She slung her arm over her shoulder, "Where did ya go?"

I recognised her, but I couldn't place where from. Maybe I needed to slow down on the drinks.

"I was just speaking to Bella."

"Oh, hey, Bella."

"Hi, umm…" _Damn, what was her name?_

The girl laughed, "Mackenzie."

"Oh, right, you go to school on the rez, right?" I vaguely remembered her transferring last year, but I'd forgotten why.

"Right."

"How's that?"

She shrugged, "It's whatever. Hey, do you wanna do a shot with us? Embry got me jello shots."

I didn't know who Embry was, but I agreed 'cause I hadn't had jello shots in forever and they'd kind of been my thing when I was, like, fourteen. _So much for slowing down on the drinks…_

Somehow, it didn't count if it was jello.

I had two, letting the slippery goodness slide down my throat, but then Alice waved me back over and I was dancing again.

She was pouting that I'd left her for Irina, but I'd stolen a pink jello shot for her and she quickly got over it.

Alice smiled and held my hands, guiding me and shimmying and swaying and grinding.

Jasper was watching from across the fire, smiling behind a drink. There was a girl besides him, chatting his ear off, but he was paying her no mind. Alice didn't care. She knew he only had eyes for her.

I let myself just be after a while, letting my movements become a little looser, my hips a little freer.

Soon, Alice was dancing over to him, plopping herself into his lap. But, at that point, I was too far gone to care. I closed my eyes, just like Leah had been, and let the music take over me.

* * *

I woke up to Leah making out with Paul —the guy from earlier— and I thought, _when did that happen?_ But I soon forgot about them and realised that I was freezing. I'd fell asleep in the sand, the fire was on its last legs and my blanket had fallen to the side of me. I scooted over to grab it, surveying the area.

Rose and Em were back, spooning on top of a towel with a blanket thrown over of them. They were both snoring and, believe it or not, Rose was the louder of the two. I'd tease her about that later.

Alice was snuggled up into Jaspers side, propped up against a piece of driftwood arranged around the makeshift fire. It was bleached white from the sea and peeling damp. It didn't look too comfortable.

Everybody else was spread out around the fire, either talking in hushed voices or sleeping. Mostly sleeping.

Vickie was sound asleep just off to the side of Rose and I could see the imprint of a body where I presumed Edward had been laying. I frowned, wondering where he was.

I shivered as I stood, brushing off damp sand and giving up eventually. I'd find it for days in my hair and behind my nails. Alice liked scratching it from my skull with her long nails, her tongue jammed between her teeth. I'd wince and complain, but I really liked the comforting feeling of being cared for.

Somebody had put a cup of water besides me before I'd conked out and I'd knocked it over in my sleep. I was wet-through, cold and tired. I crossed my arms over my chest to abate the sharp sea-breeze and followed footprints imprinted into the sand. There were many, but these ones looked fresh and big.

It didn't take me long to find him. I just followed the clouds of smoke. Sitting by the shoreline, jeans rolled up, feet bare. The top buttons of his white button down were open and he'd rolled the sleeves right up. Somehow, this messy look worked well for him and I my stomach fluttered wildly at the swirls of ink up his arms and over his chest. The water tickled the bottoms of his feet and it was a wonder he wasn't cold. He was smoking, obviously, almost at the end of the stick.

He didn't hear me approaching, or maybe he just blocked it out. I slowed down for a moment, wondering if he even wanted me to join him, but then it was too late 'cause he turned and his eyes caught mine.

I swallowed, my throat scratchy, "Hey."

He blew out a cloud of smoke to the side, staring me down, before he spoke, "Hi."

I gestured to the space besides him, quickly crossing my arms again to withstand the cold, "Can I…?"

He tipped his head and I quickly plopped besides him.

We didn't speak, but it wasn't silent. The waves rolled at our feet, white as they hit the sand, but I drew my legs to my chest, keeping my feet safely away from them. Edward's feet were almost blue, I think, I couldn't really tell in the darkness. Maybe the shadows were playing tricks on my eyes. Maybe I was still drunk. No, I decided, just a little tipsy.

"You ever wonder what the fuck you're doing?" He suddenly said and I flinched a little because his voice was loud over the crash of the waves. I was so caught up in their roll and crash, roll and crash.

I thought he was talking about me for a moment; what I was doing here sitting with him, pining after him, kissing his cheek… But then I realised he meant life in general.

I nodded quietly, "Sometimes."

He turned his head to me, blowing smoke out of the side of his mouth. It was then I thought that maybe his question had been rhetorical. He chuckled all of a sudden, "You're seventeen."

I squared my shoulders, trying to appear bigger, but it was silly-stupid, "I am. Is that a problem?"

He laughed, bitter, and rested his forehead in his palm for a moment, rocking gently. His cigarette burned away. He left it too long, the ashes fell down his bare arm. He didn't even flinch, "Apparently not."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Defensive. The hairs on my arms prickled.

He shook his head and lifted it, spreading his legs again, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

 _Roll and crash._

 _Roll and crash._

He lit another cigarette.

"May I?" I asked, extending my fingers.

He didn't even react, just threw the half-empty pack at me with a lighter. I curled my hands over the top and lit up, sucking air in as I did. I felt the familiar burn in my lungs and the tobacco on my tongue. I didn't exactly like it, but I only ever smoked when I was drunk. It was a habit. Alice's fault.

"Didn't realise you were a smoker," He said, staring off into the distance, flicking a shell with his free hand.

"I'm not."

His lips slowly lifted into a smile and my own was suddenly there. _Magic_.

"Could've fooled me."

"That's 'cause you're old," I jibed.

He scoffed, "Thanks."

My smile fell, "Alice thinks you are."

He looked down at the shell he was messing with, "Do you?"

I thought about it for a moment. Yes, he was older, but he wasn't necessarily an old man. He was handsome and cool and… completely off limits, "No," I stated quickly, trying to banish the thoughts from my head.

"I'm glad."

The way he said it made me think he meant something else. I looked up at him from beneath my lashes, wondering what I'd see when I did. But he was smiling at me all funny and twiddling his toes in the sand.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

And then, "You're not like other kids your age."

I felt my face scrunch up a little.

"That's not true. There's plenty of _kids_ like me," And then, indignantly, "And I'm not a kid."

He chuckled, "No, you're not," and then after a few moments, "Well, I've never met any."

He stretched out, our smoke curling up in the air together. Intertwining, mingling, dissipating.

"Any what?"

"Kids like you."

"Maybe you aren't looking," I flicked my thumb against the butt, littering the sand with ash.

He hummed quietly.

 _Roll and crash._

 _Roll and crash._

"Did you have a nice birthday?"

He chuckled. Why did everything I say earn that harsh laugh, like he had some sort of inside joke or something? "Yeah, it was great. Vickie, uh, maybe went over the top a little bit though."

I snorted, "She always does."

"True. It's not my scene though."

"Which? The party or the beach?"

His eyes flickered to mine, "Both, I guess. Crowd's a little too young for me."

I flinched and looked at the sea foam brushing his ankles, "Right, yeah, of course. Felix was here though, right?"

"Yeah, Felix is cool."

I'd maybe, kind of seen Edward with Felix, chatting and laughing throughout the night. He'd seemed a little more upbeat after he'd arrived and I'd been kind of relieved. I didn't like him all mopey and quiet.

I wondered again what was really going on between him and Irina. But I didn't really think Edward was one for gossiping, so I kept my mouth shut. Instead, I went for the safer option.

"Did you get anything nice?" I was struggling for things to say it seemed. If it wasn't so cold, I'd probably be blushing.

He stood, grabbing the jacket he was sitting on from underneath him. He shook it off from besides me and I tried to not splutter as sand hit my face and stuck to my lips. He offered me an apologetic grimace and then gently draped it over my shoulders. I tried to hide my smile, sandy face aside. It was much better than the musty old blanket I'd had earlier.

"Thanks."

"No problem. It was actually one of the things Vickie got me as a present."

"Today?"

"Well, yesterday, but yeah."

I sniffed the collar, but it smelled of nothing but sea-salt and fresh air; too new, "It's nice."

"Yeah."

 _Roll and crash._

"Edward?" I asked uncertainly.

He hummed in response, staring out into sea again. I started to think maybe I should've left him to himself. He was obviously deep in thought.

"About the other week," I started, gulping. He froze beside me and I think he knew what I was about to say, "I'm really sor—"

"Don't," He interjected.

"But, I—"

He turned to me suddenly, a shaky smile on his lips. But his eyes were nervous and imploring. He was trying to cover something, mask the emotions underneath, "We don't apologise, remember?"

I exhaled and nodded pensively, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess."

 _Roll and crash._

 _Roll and crash._

 _Roll and crash._

He sighed after a while and my head whipped around. We'd been quiet for some time, watching the sky turn pink and the water erect as if out of nowhere now that there was a smidgen of light. The whitecaps were rolling in and the tide out. The sand at our feet was still damp and I sunk my toes into it.

I watched as he stubbed out another cigarette butt, but he didn't reach for another this time. He leaned back onto his hands instead. His pinkie was just besides mine.

"Something you said today," He started, but stopped abruptly. His eyes were on the distance between our pinkies. Or the lack of it. He slowly inched his hand away and it hurt, a deep pang in my chest, but I understood. I didn't like it, but I understood. I looked back up and he was looking at me again.

I cleared my throat, "What?"

He looked back to the sea again, "It bothered me."

I guffawed, "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like."

He didn't respond.

"You know what they say about eavesdroppers?" I edged.

He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, "So, you don't know me?"

I thought back to my conversation with Peter. Had I said that? I couldn't remember.

I gulped, but shook my head, "I can't say I do."

"Why?"

I gestured to him as if it explained it, "You're so… closed off." He frowned at my explanation, so I felt the need to explain myself, "You don't give anything away."

"So what do you want to know?" But he didn't give me a chance to ask, "My favourite colour? Where I was born? What my star sign is? What about which house I'd be sorted into?"

I laughed at that one.

"Hufflepuff, by the way," He leaned into my vision, smirking. My heart skipped a beat.

"You've seen _Harry Potter_?" I laughed at his joking. I liked this side to him. It felt like I had a part of him, a part nobody else ever really got to see. I wanted to wrap it in cotton-wool and hold it to my chest. Just for me. But I knew I was being silly, naive.

 _That word again._

He scoffed, "And read the books. Just 'cause I'm _old,_ " He made quotation marks with his fingers, "doesn't mean I live under a rock."

He nudged his shoulder against mine and I smushed my lips together to hide my grin.

"What about you?"

I had to think about it for a moment, "Gryffindor."

He hummed, nodding his agreement.

"So, you like reading then?"

He scratched the back of his neck, "Yeah. I used to read more when I was younger, but I don't really have time anymore. Besides the odd car book, of course."

"Of course," I joked, wanting to kiss the grin straight off his lips.

"What about you? Do you read a lot?"

"Yeah, but drawings more my thing."

"Drawing?"

"Yeah, like sketching and stuff. It's silly." I blushed, shaking my head.

"It's not silly if you enjoy it. You'll have to show me sometime," And he said it like he meant it. I nodded like I agreed, but there was no way in hell I'd ever be showing him my sketches.

"Favourite colour?" He continued.

"Hey, I thought _I_ was getting to know more about _you_?"

"Fine, shoot."

"Favourite colour?"

He chuckled at my copycat antics, "Original," and then, pensively, "I don't know. It changes with my mood, I guess."

"What is it now?"

Maybe in some whacked-out fairytale story he'd look deep into my eyes and say 'brown' and I'd swoon… But this wasn't a story and it certainly wasn't any fairytale. Instead, he said, "Blue."

"Mine, too."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it was purple up until I was, like, twelve, but then I guess I woke up one day and decided blue was prettier."

"What made you change your mind?"

"The sky, the sea. I don't know. I didn't have some life-changing revelation. I was twelve. I just liked it."

He laughed at my lame-ness, "What about you?"

I swear his eyes flickered to my chest, but it was still kind of dark and maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. He looked out towards the sea, "Yeah, same here. The sea, the, uh, sky." He snorted all of a sudden, shaking his head.

I wondered what was so funny. Boys were an enigma. But then I thought about Riley and I realised, no, _boys_ weren't an enigma, _Edward Cullen_ was an enigma.

"Is that it then? You know my house and my favourite colour, are you're done already?" He joked.

"Nope," I said, popping the 'p', "Not even close."

"Hit me."

I sat up, curling one leg under the other to get comfortable. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him.

I especially wanted to know about his family, but I figured that was a touchy subject from the one other occasion I'd tried asking him about them and I didn't want him to retreat back into his shell. We'd come too far for that.

 _Roll and crash._

 _Roll and crash._

"Favourite food?"

"Chinese, you?"

"Thai. Favourite movie?"

"Fight Club."

I rolled my eyes.

"What?"

"Such a cliché," I snickered.

"What? It's a good movie. What's yours?"

"The notebook."

He bust out laughing, "Whose cliché now?"

 _Roll and crash._

 _Roll and crash._

The sun started rising, painting the sky a cross between lilac and yellow. I snuggled further into Edward's jacket and watched the 'gulls patter about a few feet from us. The tide had well and truly retracted and the sand by Edward's feet was left with ripples and shapes embedded from unknown forces. I was staring at the swirls and patterns and making pictures out of them when I heard light footsteps behind me.

"Babe?" Vickie was sleepy-eyed, rubbing crusties from her eyes, her red hair full of sand. She had the imprint of her towel on her cheek. She plonked down besides Edward, her arms wrapped over her chest.

She had a thick cream cardigan on and she'd pulled her hands into the sleeves. She snuggled up to Edward's chest, resting her head there. She stifled a yawn and his arms went around her, almost without him realising.

I suddenly felt like I was intruding.

I stood up quickly, dusting sand off of my ass and the backs of my thighs. I shrugged out of his jacket awkwardly and handed it back to him. He watched me with a crease between his brows.

"You okay?" He mouthed and I nodded quickly, trying to muster a reassuring smile, but it felt more like a grimace.

His fingers brushed my ankle as I turned to leave, sending a flurry of goosebumps up my legs, my stomach, my arms. I looked down at him, my eyes darting to Vickie in his arms but her eyes were closed again.

"Thank you," He mouthed, smiling and it was real.

"You're welcome," I mouthed back with a real smile of my own.

* * *

Emmett dropped me off home.

He and Rose were awake when I returned to the group and when they asked where I'd been, I shrugged and told them I'd wanted to see the sunrise. It was kind of true.

I sat in the back of his truck, staring out of the window. The sky was tinged orange and it was starting to warm up a little more, although I was still a little chilly and wet.

I snuck inside when I got home, holding my breath as I turned the lock. I toed my shoes off before I went inside and held them from my fingers as I crept up the stairs. I made sure to avoid the creaky steps and breathed a sigh of relief when I made it to my room undetected.

I was dusting sand from between my toes and the bottom of my shoes, figuring I'd hoover when I woke, when my phone pinged in my back pocket. I cursed quietly as I fished it out. My heart picked up when I saw who the message was from.

 _Thanks for last night or this morning or whatever. Next time someones asks if you know me, I hope you can say yes. -E_

I pressed my fingers to my lips, feeling the grin that wouldn't give.

 _Maybe. I have a million more questions though. -B_

I threw my phone on the bed, something in my chest fluttering madly. I felt high and sleepy-happy off sea-salt and jello-shots and boys.

I stripped out of my sweater and jeans, throwing a t-shirt on for bed. Edward didn't reply.

As I dumped my washing in my laundry basket, the blue of the sweater caught my eye. I thought of Edward, eyes on my chest as he said his current favourite colour was blue.

Maybe fairytales were more real than I'd thought. But probably not.

* * *

 **A/N- Okay, I know I said I'd be able to update more often, but I've been dealing with the loss of a loved one and this has been put on the back burner for the last couple months, as you can imagine. To make up for it —and maybe because I missed writing this like crazy— I made it a teensy-tiny bit longer than usual. Okay, its huge, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't split it up!**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Eagles. I went to see them during my break and they were unreal. I was also surprised with Fleetwood Mac the week after. I'm a lucky gal, what can I say?**


	14. 14: Where Is My Mind?

**Chapter 14: Where Is My Mind?**

My toes were like ice-pops, chilly from the inside out, but I couldn't cover them 'cause Rose had just painted them for me. Blue with sparkles, which was fitting. Lately, I'd been wearing a lot of blue and there was no hiding why.

I hadn't been lying when I'd told Edward my favourite colour was blue, but the fact that it was his too —at the time at least— had the colour popping up a lot more in my wardrobe and apparently now my nails choices, too.

I wiggled my wet toes on the edge of my bed, willing them to dry so I could slide some fluffy socks on to warm them up.

One hand rested on Rose's lap as she painted them, too, and I was blowing the other one gently, watching her.

"So, I've got news."

I stopped blowing, eyeing her up, "No way. You're pregnant?"

I was smiling and giddy, but she rolled her eyes and painted the next nail, "As if. You lot've put me off having kids for life."

I scoffed and pushed her shoulder lightly, trying not to knock my nails, "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

She grinned up at me, "I was speaking to Edward."

I was seemingly calm, blowing my nails, flicking a piece of hair out of my face, but my heart was beating like crazy and my stomach felt like I was on the Waltz' at the yearly travelling fair that visited town, "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"We got chatting about the garage, you know, cars and stuff. And he mentioned they just lost a guy."

I knew where this was going already. I squealed, throwing my arms around her.

She laughed, falling backwards a little with me on her, "Hey, watch the nails," She frowned, checking for smudges. When she ascertained that they had faired unscathed, she continued with the conversation, "It's not for certain. Not yet anyway. I just may've mentioned that I was interested."

I pulled back, grinning, beaming for her, "You know you've got it in the bag."

She shrugged, tugging my hand back to her lap and taking the lid off the little varnish pot again, "Maybe."

I rolled my eyes, "Maybe, my ass. If you didn't already have Edward as an in, then they'd snap you up anyway. They'd be stupid not to."

"I hope so. It would really be perfect, so close to home as well," She said quietly, caught up in making sure my nails were perfect. She used her nail to wipe a smudge around my cuticle.

"Yeah, it would."

It was silly that I was more excited about the fact that I'd have a reason to visit the garage to see Edward at work now.

We chatted some more, arbitrary and somewhat asinine, as she finished painting my nails, adding a second coat. She added the clear glitter over the top and blew gently on them.

"What's up with the blue anyway?" She asked. I'd asked her to bring it over. I'd never had reason to wear it before, so I didn't have any to hand.

I shrugged like there was no reason, "Just thought I needed a change."

* * *

I wasn't the biggest coffee drinker, but Alice was, so I had my fingers wrapped around a large mug. I didn't mind really; it was warming my fingers up. Alice had the same idea, her red mug cupped in her hands, but the fingerless gloves were kind of defeating the purpose of it. I didn't really see the point in them, but Alice didn't care. If she liked it that way, that was the way she'd have it. No thought, no care.

I wished I could be like that sometimes, but I wasn't. I pondered over things with a fine tooth-comb, nit-picking, over-thinking, dwelling and dwelling and dwelling. Alice and I were opposites in every way, but we worked. Most of the time.

Alice took a slurpy sip, smacking her lips together afterwards 'cause it was too hot, but, again, she didn't care to wait like I was.

"Okay. Spill. What's up?"

"What?" A short laugh, like I had no idea what she was talking about. We were in a small cafe by her house. It was cheap and cheerful and she loved it. It's why I'd asked her here.

She took another sip, rolling her eyes over the rim, "You asked me to coffee. You hate coffee. What's got you all… antsy?"

"I'm not antsy," I lied. I was totally antsy.

She raised her eyebrow, "Your leg's been shaking since I got here and you keep tapping your fingers on your mug. Could've fooled me."

I sighed, "I don't know, I just— I think I might break up with Riley."

Surprisingly, she didn't react like I thought she would. She took another slow sip of her coffee, smearing her upper lip with cream, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"It's about time."

"What?"

I'd expected more shock, more questions and _are you sure?_ We'd been together for some time and my friends were close to him in a way. It would change things, dynamics and… I didn't even know what else. Life without Riley was an uncertainty and as silly as it sounded, I was scared.

She rolled her eyes, "Please. You guys have been on the outs for forever."

I frowned, blowing across the cup, spreading frothy bubbles across in clusters and shapes, "Have we?"

She scoffed, "I'm surprised you lasted this long after the whole birthday thing."

That was true. But Riley was a safety net, comfort, familiarity and… ease. I felt stupid even thinking about it now.

"I guess…"

"You guess? Why else would you break up with him?" She asked, eyeing me up. Her mouth suddenly popped open, her eyes widening, "Oh my god, you've totally met someone else!"

A few patrons turned to glare at her outburst, but she was impervious, like always. And, like always, I felt the bloom of red sweep across my cheeks, embarrassment settling in as they frowned at us, "I haven't."

"Oh, no?"

"No!"

She hummed and took another slip, "You sure? You're blushing like crazy."

I pressed my fingers to my cheeks, feeling the familiar heat. My fingers were warm now from the coffee, so I pulled them away, "'Cause you're screaming like a banshee in a coffee shop."

She rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Who is he?"

"He's nobody."

"So there is a _he."_

" _No._ "

"You sure?"

"Alice," I muttered, exasperated.

"Fine, fine. Whatever you say," She leaned forward conspiritually, "But I've known you since we were, like, two, so I know your tells."

"There's nothing to tell."

"Okay, so why now? Why have you waited this long to break his heart?"

I sighed, twisting my mug around, the ring Riley gave me for my sixteenth birthday clinking against the ceramic, "That's exactly why; I'm gonna break his heart. And mine."

She frowned, "Yours? _You're_ the one whose ending things with _him_."

"I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier."

She dunked her finger in the cream, swirling it around, before popping it in her mouth, so I continued, knowing she wanted me to explain, "I love him. I've loved him since I was fifteen, but things are changing. _We're_ changing and I'm not sure we fit anymore. I love him, but I'm not sure I'm _in_ love with him anymore. Does that make sense?"

She nodded and then shook her head, "I can't ever imagine falling out of love with Jasper."

"I thought the same thing about Riley."

She just frowned at me.

* * *

It took me a week to muster up the nerve to confront Riley, and even then it didn't go to plan.

"Riley?" I was at his house, laying on his bed. I'd propped his too-saggy pillow up against the headboard to rest my head on, but my head was still at an awkward angle. I had a headache, but it probably wasn't from that; it was from the thought of what I was about to do.

He hummed from his game chair, his long legs stuck out in front of him, feet bare. I'd always loved him like that and it made my heart hurt thinking maybe I wouldn't get to see him like that anymore, be with him like this.

It wasn't that I wanted any affection or lovey-dovey stuff with him anymore, but we'd been friends before we'd gotten together and I'd miss the familiarity of having him around. I'd miss him, just not in the way I should've.

When I didn't reply, he turned his head, "Babe?"

There was a rustle of action on the screen and his head whipped back around. He sat forward quickly, cursing as his fingers brushed over buttons with quick precision.

I sat up, crossed my legs, and picked at the nail polish on my fingers, the blue peeling off now, "How do you think— Are we okay?"

His eyes flickered to me, back to the screen, "Hmm?"

I sighed, "Us, Riley. What do you think of us?"

He paused the game, sitting back, scraping a hand over his face. I liked his hair like that, too, no gel, no taming, just a wild mess of blonde hair. I probably wouldn't see it like that again after this. He only let it be like that when he was moping around the house on days like today.

"What are you talking about, Bella?" He sounded exasperated, but I knew he was worried. His eyes were darting all over my face.

"I just— I mean, we're not…" I sighed, struggling to find the words to say, "We've… changed."

He snorted, "Yeah, we're not kids anymore, Bells."

He stood up, walking slowly to sit besides me.

"I know that. But I don't mean since we were kids."

"Well, what do you mean then?" His hand curled around my thigh, finding my hand. He interlaced our fingers together.

I looked down at our clasped hands, watching his thumb brush over the back of my hand. My heart was racing and I suddenly felt clammy. My throat felt tight, "I don't know."

I was backing out, giving in. I couldn't do it.

He laughed quietly, brushing his lips along my jaw. Tears brimmed at my eyes.

"We're good," He whispered, his lips at my ear. I shivered involuntarily and he smiled against my collarbone, "We're good."

I didn't know if he was trying to convince me or himself.

* * *

"What do you mean you couldn't do it? Just tell him. Rip the bandaid off."

I huffed, "It's not that easy, Al."

Instead of the lecture I was waiting for from her, her face softened and she squeezed my arm, "I get it."

I didn't know if she did. Her and Jasper were good.

We were at Alice's, sprawled on her couch with a bowl of toffee popcorn and a plethora of sweets and treats laid out for us. _The Notebook_ was on the TV and it only made me smile at the memory of Edward jokingly laughing at me for being such a cliche. Alice hated it, but I was having boy troubles so she let me have my way in the end.

We'd been shopping all day. Christmas was fast approaching and we'd both been stuck for ideas, so we'd teamed up to help each other along. It had worked some, between snacking on cinnamon churros dunked in caramel and trying on whacky outfits, we managed to find mostly everyones presents.

I'd gotten my mom her favourite perfume and a photo frame for the photograph of Freddy Prince Junior I was planning on sticking in it. She had some weird crush on him and I thought it would be funny. Dad was the harder of the two to buy for, so I stuck to the usual socks and body wash gift set that I got him every year, a few t-shirts that were on sale. The twins got a nerf gun set, which Mom was totally gonna kill me for. I got these delicate little rope bracelets with hearts and stars and diamonds dangling off for Rose, Vick and I, but I couldn't well buy anything for Alice or Leah with her right there, so I still needed a few last minute bits. I'd even gotten Edward a little something.

"I don't know what to do."

"Have you spoke to Rose about it?"

Rose was the go-to for advice like this. Whenever any of us had a problem, especially relationship-wise, Rose was our confidant. She was older and wise. She had more experience with this stuff. But going to Rose would mean going to Vic and I wasn't so sure that was a good idea. Besides, Rose already thought something was going on with me and Edward. If I confided in her, she'd think I was ending things for other reasons.

Maybe I was. But I also knew that wasn't completely true. Riley and I had had a good thing. He was my first love, first everything, but even if Edward wasn't in the picture —although, he wasn't, really— then Riley and I would've still fizzled out. We'd had our time, and I knew that now.

I shook my head, "You're the only person I've told besides Leah."

Alice snorted. Yeah, Leah was a bit too preoccupied with her new beau. Paul Lahoute —or Paul La-Hot as Alice had so astutely dubbed him— from the bonfire was taking up all Leah's time. I was happy for her. She hadn't liked someone this much for a while.

"No help there I suppose."

I chuckled and shook my head, "Nada. Where is she anyway?"

I'd messaged her asking her to come, but she hadn't got back to me.

She quirked her brow, smirking, "Where do ya think?"

I shook my head, chuckling quietly, "No surprise there."

Ryan Gosling was asking what she wanted when Alice threw a kernel at my head. I laughed, shaking it out, diving on her before she had a chance to throw another.

* * *

"No, no, it's not right. It needs more pizzaz."

I rolled my eyes, "Mom, it does _not_ need more _pizzaz."_

She ignored me, humming as she untangled another string of lights.

It was the beginning of December and we were decorating the house for the festive period. The christmas tree was first on the agenda. It was fake, green and bald at the moment, besides a couple strings of twinkling white christmas lights strung around it. I'd begged for years for a real one, but she wouldn't give in. She said they were too much hassle and too messy.

It wasn't the requisite twelve days before christmas, but we'd always put them up at the beginning of the month. It made the holiday period last just that little bit longer. It may not have been normal tradition, but it was _our_ tradition.

Mom was on her third string of lights, twisting them carefully around the tree, tucking them into the spindly branches. The tree definitely did not require the third set of lights, but Mom begged to differ. Just like she did every year. She liked the glitz and glam of it all.

"Go fetch the box of decorations from your dad. The one with the baubles and tinsel in," She said as she plugged the set in, testing to see if they all worked.

Dad was on the ladder up to the loft, groaning and grunting as he hoisted another box down. Mom had really put him to work. He was bright red and wet at the hairline. His eyes flickered to mine as he dumped the box.

"That the last of it?"

"Yeah, I'm glad this only happens once a year. I don't think my back could take anymore," He grunted, stretching his back out. It popped and he made a _see what I mean?_ face.

I snorted and helped him carry one of many musty boxes down the stairs.

Mom was admiring her handiwork when we made it down, tweaking and twiddling the tiny bulbs into the perfect position. She was such a perfectionist.

"Where do you want them?" Dad grumbled, balancing the box on his knee so he could hoist it higher.

Mom waved her hand towards the base of the tree, so we dumped them a little aways from it. The clinking of baubles and the rustle of tinsel was music to my ears. I loved the holidays. The music, family, christmas dinner and _Snowballs_ —our pseudo substitute for eggnog— and, of course, presents.

Emily was rooting through the CD's in the corner, whilst Jake was setting up the pink, flowery radio they'd brought down from her bedroom. She managed to find the only christmas CD we had and stuck it in, shimmying and trilling along with the bells that chimed through the speakers. She grabbed Maggie's hands, stooping to her level to dance with her. Jake rolled his eyes and plopped back onto the couch.

"Such a Grinch," Emily teased him, but he ignored her as she twirled a toothily grinning Maggie around.

I was rooting through one of the boxes, plucking out the gold baubles first, glitter coating my hands and my love-heart adorned PJ bottoms, when the doorbell rang.

Mom dusted her hands on her legs, her own glitter shimmering as it fell to the carpet like snow, "I'll get it."

I was singing along with Mariah Carey, hanging a few baubles along the base of the tree —knowing Mom would rearrange them to her fancy when I turned my back— when Mom returned with Edward in tow.

I straightened, my cheeks reddening because my singing sure as hell wasn't in pitch.

Mom was grinning like a fool, "Aunt Angie made apple pie and had leftovers, so Edward kindly brought some over."

Edward smiled impishly as he looked over us. He had the dish covered in cling film in his hand, which Dad was eyeing eagerly. His hair was wet from the steady stream of rain we'd been having for the last few days and his stubble had grown in.

"I'll take it off ya hands," Dad said, clapping him on the back with gusto. Edward relinquished the dish to him with a courteous nod.

"Em, lower the music down a little please," Mom said to her. Emily did as she was told and joined Jake on the couch. Maggie settled in between them, fiddling with Emily's necklace.

"Are you staying for some?" Mom asked after Edward.

He shook his head, little droplets littering the floor as he did, "Nah, I already had a slice whilst I was there."

"Oh, of course. Well, how about a cup of coffee?"

Edward seemed to deliberate for a moment, his eyes flashing to mine. Emily came over to start throwing tinsel on the tree and Maggie came to tug it back down.

"Sure," He conceded.

"Want some, Bella?"

I shook my head and she set off to make some I assumed. I grabbed Maggie and handed the tinsel she had in her hand back to Emily. Edward took a few steps towards me, hands stuffed in his pockets, "Hi."

I swallowed, "Hey."

Maggie wriggled in my arms and I set her down, "I'm not a baby!"

Edward laughed at her little outburst as she stormed off towards the kitchen. She was tiny, but she had an attitude to rival even Alice's.

"How old's she again?" Edward chuckled, looking after her.

"Two going on twenty," I joked. It made me think of Edward's birthday and the thirteen year age gap between us. Sometimes I forgot, other times I couldn't. He wouldn't let me.

"Sounds about right. Decorating early, I see?" He gestured to the half-decorated tree that Emily was still strewing red, gold and purple tinsel around. That stuff was years old and Mom never used it. I could just imagine her face when she came back in.

I shrugged, "We do it around this time every year."

"Yeah, Angela is the same. It's why I was there tonight actually. Phil's done his back in, so her and Vic had me in and out of the loft getting decorations down. They even gave me this miniature tree they had laying around for my place," He guffawed. Yeah, that had been Vickie's when she was a young teen. She'd wanted a tree for her bedroom, so Aunt Angie had settled on a tiny one to appease her. She outgrew it a couple years later, but I guess they'd had it laying around collecting dust motes in the loft.

Mom came in with two coffees, Dad trailing behind her with his own mug.

"You don't already have a tree?" I asked.

He shook his head, looking a little embarrassed. He smiled graciously as he took the mug from Mom with a small 'thank you' and then, turning to me again, "Never had reason to."

I frowned, wondering what that was like; not having a reason to celebrate with family.

"What about other decorations?" I asked, already knowing the answer. Mom set her mug down, smiling contemptuously at the mess Emily had made of the tree. I thought it was endearing, she thought it was messy.

He shrugged, "I guess I'll have to get some now."

"How about you have some of ours, Edward?" Mom chirped up, pulling a strand of purple tinsel from the tree. Her smile was eager and fake.

"Oh, I don't think—"

"I insist. Really." She grabbed handfuls of it and some baubles and other bits and bobs that didn't match her "scheme" and thrust them out to him. He obliged in the end, and she carefully loaded a box full of old stuff, sealing it with a roll of tape and the most self-satisfied smirk ever.

I rolled my eyes and Edward tried to mask his grin behind his mug of coffee. His eyes were crinkled and his smile was warm and my stomach flip-flopped at how utterly gorgeous he was.

"Where is Vickie, anyway?" I asked.

Edward took a sip before he replied, "She's still decorating. When Angela asked her to drop the pie off, I offered. I had to get out of there before I lost all sense of manliness."

Dad mumbled something from the couch, probably agreeing, and Mom chuckled, "And somehow you get roped into it here, too."

"Always the way," He joked.

Later, I followed him to his car as he lugged the box of decorations out. Mom had cut a slice of the apple pie for him to take home and a little pot of cream, so I was carrying that out for him. I set it carefully on the passenger seat and froze a little when I turned to find him next to me. He was so close, I could smell his aftershave.

"Are you busy now?"

I looked down at my PJ bottoms and the hoodie I'd thrown on to come out. I had Dad's too big boots on my feet 'cause mine took too long to put on and lace up, "What did you have in mind?"

"I kind of feel like a milkshake."

Why did he look so guilty?

"Sure," I said slowly, "let me just change into something real quick."

He nodded, jaw tense.

I kept the hoodie on, but slipped on a pair of jeans and some chucks. I told Mom I was going to get a 'shake with Edward and she waved me off with a smile, giving me a few dollars. I flipped the hood up and stuck my hands deep into the pocket at the front of the hoodie, running down the path to the car. It had started raining and the wet sloshed beneath my feet, flicking up my ankles.

Edward had the heat cranked up, so it didn't take me long to warm up.

I drummed my fingers along the edge of the doorframe to the song lowly playing on the radio. A christmas one, of course.

I unclipped my seatbelt when we reached the diner, but Edward turned to me as he unlocked his door, "Wait here?"

I frowned, but nodded, sliding the seatbelt back on. He came back out a few minutes later, a paper bag under his arm and two milkshakes in his hand. Pink and brown.

It had been too long.

I smiled when he handed me them both and set the cup-holder on my lap.

"What's in the bag?" I asked, peeling it back to peer inside.

Edward smirked, "Just a snack."

"Where are we going?"

He looked over his shoulder as he reversed out of the spot, hand poised on the arm of my chair again. I tried not to stare at his long fingers or the golden hair on his arms, the little freckles… "I thought maybe we could go to the cliffs?"

"Really?" I grinned.

"I mean, if you want."

"I love it there," I nodded, taking a slurp of my milkshake. It was even better than I remembered.

He looked at me quickly, smirking, back to the road, "Me, too."

* * *

 **A/N- Thank you all for your condolences and well wishes. It truly means a lot. I've been on a little trip to Wales this weekend with the family to recoup and get away for a while, so that was nice. It also gave me the chance to write a little, since I wasn't on driving duty for once lol.**

 **My mum was basically Renee at christmas. Growing up we'd decorate the house together with my three siblings and then by the next morning she'd have "fixed" everything. It drove me mad. To this day, she waits for me to travel down to her house (she lives across the country from me) and we all decorate together, which is cute. She also got the Robert Downey Jr photograph one year, which hung on her bedroom wall for years, so I think its safe to say I basically based Renee on my mum this chapter ha! _Snowballs_ were a major fixture in our house around the christmas period, did anyone else have those? **

**Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by Pixies.**


	15. 15: At First

**Chapter 15: At First**

December passed in a blur of last-minute shopping, end of the semester exams and a never-ending cycle of babysitting whilst Mom did some last-minute shopping herself or practiced her hand at cooking the christmas dinner and a plethora of desserts. I couldn't say I was annoyed at that because it was all delicious and I wanted that sort of treatment everyday.

She was hosting christmas dinner this year and she was nervous to say the least, but what with Maggie being so young and needing constant attention Aunt Angie had been doing it for the last couple years to lighten her load. Mom was actually excited at the prospect of getting back to her roots and entertaining again. But I, ever her faithful little helper, was not.

Right in the midst of the christmas season, _The White Swan_ tended to get a little fuller, a little rowdier. Friends and family from out of town visited and those living away for college came home for the holidays, so we were up to our neck in business. As soon as school finished for the holidays, Dad had me working most days and between that and babysitting, I was perpetually exhausted and sleepwalking through the same-everyday days.

I didn't really have time to spend with the girls or Riley, although he visited me sometimes whilst I worked or helped me babysit the kids. He was so good with them and it made me happy to see Jake actually hanging out with the rest of us for once. He was such a boy, usually lounging in his room on one game console or another or hanging out with his boy-friends. Boisterous and moody and strife with teenage-boy hormones despite being all of ten.

Jake and Riley got on well, maybe it was just the fact that there was actually another boy around, but whatever it was I was grateful for.

The constant state of busyness also meant a lack of affection between us, both public and otherwise, which was really a blessing in disguise because I was still up-in-the-air with our relationship and he was non-the-wiser. It wasn't fair, but I stuck in this tedious limbo around us and, after my last failed attempt, I was treading lightly around the topic.

With myself.

Which, as Alice had agreed, was just plain old stupid.

Riley left to visit family in Chicago a week after winter break started, so his presence at work was short-lived. It was a strange mixture of frustration and relief that overcame me during his absence, but that was masked by the presence of Rose and Vickie working alongside me. It kind of brightened my mood just having them there.

A breath of fresh air, a pressure lifted. Or maybe forgotten. It was still there.

Edward came in a couple of times, but Vickie had always been there, so we hadn't really spoke past the requisite 'hi' and 'it's busy in here tonight'. He just so happened to show up on my lunch break one of those times, missing Vickie's own break by a few minutes, which earned him a pout.

He'd asked if I wanted to join him at the diner or something, but between Vickie's flickering gaze between us and the hint of a scowl she had going on, I'd had to decline. I didn't want to rock the boat so thoroughly and obviously. So I'd eaten the peanut butter and banana sandwiches I'd managed to throw together that morning before running out of the door, silently dejected because I so wanted to go with him.

The last time we'd really hung out was at the cliffs a couple weeks before. We'd slurped our shakes, tasted each others, ate the cheesy straw pastries he'd bought and watched the world pass by from way up there. The rain had eased off eventually, so we got out and sat on the hood of his car, eating and talking and observing. It was chilly, so we didn't stay long, but it was nice.

I wondered if it was a one off; a spare of the moment, one-time thing.

If he felt even an inkling of what I felt up there, on top of the world and all, then there was no way we wouldn't go there again. The thought caused my stomach to flip-flop and my guilt to soar sky-high.

He'd dropped me off home afterwards and let me keep the extra cheese straws 'cause he knew I liked them. They were crumbly and buttery and just the right amount of cheesy. I'd eaten them the next morning for breakfast, nibbling along the edges 'cause I didn't want them to end, and thought about him. His laugh, his smiles, the way he made _me_ laugh, smile, just by being there, the fluttery feelings I got around him in my chest, my belly…

But they'd been few and far between the last few weeks. Between Rose, Vickie and the revolving door of patrons, I was kept on my toes long enough not to dwell on it though.

Due to being so short-staffed, especially for the holiday period, none of our breaks overlapped. I used it to catch up on a few assignments we'd been set for over our time off and chilled with Dad in the back office when he wasn't busy. He usually was.

We were closed for Christmas Eve though, and Christmas of course, so I was sleepy-excited and quietly content when I awoke that morning. The light had woken me up, which was a first, as well as the crisp chill in the air, which wasn't. I hadn't been awoken by morning light in so long —what with my alarm disrupting my sleep well before dawn every day— and it felt good.

The wind was whistling against the window, rattling the frame a little and it made me feel all warm and cosy tucked up in my thick duck-down duvet and flannel pjs. The noticeable absence of snow didn't put a damper on the sleepy smile that enveloped my face as I dug my nose into the sheets.

The peace didn't last long though. Emily soon came bounding in with Maggie in tow. They threw themselves onto the bed after peeking their head around the doorway. I wondered how many times they'd done that this morning to see if I was awake yet.

"You're awake, you're awake!" Chanted Emily, whilst Maggie giggled and rocked on my chest, "Mom said we get one present today!"

"We do every year, Em," I laughed, my voice still croaky with sleep. I rubbed my eyes, trying to stave it off. Maggie rocking and pounding on my chest was kind of speeding that along.

Her excitement was infectious though and soon I was laughing along with them, tickling their sides and rubbing my nose in Maggie's armpit until she was squealing and trying to squirm out of my grasp.

They laughed until they needed to pee and then they darted out of the room, falling over their own feet and warding off giggles. The curls at the back of Maggie's head were flat and fly-away, still mussed up from sleep.

It was strange how something as trivial as that could brightened my mood considerably. Pjs all day, not a brushed head in sight and endless family-fun activities all day long.

The house was completely decked out for the holiday season. The tree was up and decorated —Mom had even let the kids hang a few handmade decorations off of a few branches, despite wanting things so "perfect" and I even spotted a few of my own from my childhood, backwards letters and sloppy writing and all— there were baubles hanging at varying lengths over the dining table and bunting criss-crossing the room. There were models of Santa and reindeers and snowmen littering the windowsill, the coffee tables, next to the front door and about every other surface in-between. Holly and mistletoe, tinsel and the musk of years-old decorations and pinecone-scented candles. The christmas lights were hung outside, thanks to Dad, like little twinkling icicles lining the perimeter of the house. It looked so pretty and he was chuffed with himself just like he was every year. So much so, he'd settled into the couch with a tinny and a smirk, channel-surfing afterwards.

I spent the day wrapping a few presents I hadn't gotten around to doing and helped Mom with a few of hers, none of them for me of course. We made reindeer-shaped cookies and decorated them with midget gems and artificially-coloured icing tubes. Maggie just squeezed hers all over and then proceeded to lick it all off to Mom's dismay. It just made me laugh at her soggy ginger-cookie with colours bleeding into it and saliva dripping off.

We had hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows before bed, opened the requisite one present for Christmas Eve —which was a pair of pjs and a selection box every year— and snuggled into the sofa in our new christmas-themed pyjamas for a movie.

We'd played board games all day, excited and giddy for the night to come, more so the kids than me, but I just enjoyed how excited they got. The twins didn't believe in Santa anymore, but Maggie was just at the age where she was excited and believing. Every other year she'd been doe-eyed and unsure, not really knowing what was going on, so it was nice for her to finally understand. Or at least understand that christmas meant presents.

We watched _How The Grinch_ _Stole Christmas_ and, when the kids went to bed, _It's a Wonderful Life_ like we did every year and then I got shooed to bed myself. Just because I was seventeen, didn't mean I was allowed downstairs for the rest of the night like the others. Mom liked to 'keep the magic alive' as she said.

I awoke to Maggie and Emily pouncing on me yet again on Christmas morning. It was still dark outside, but I forgave them because it was Christmas and I was kind of excited myself. Jake wasn't even trying to fight his grin as he rubbed at his tired eyes in the doorway and it made my chest swell with happiness.

I watched them tear into their presents first, exuberant and with barely awake eyes, and then I let them help me tear into my own, more excited than I should've been for night to fall and for all of our guests to arrive.

Or maybe just one.

* * *

 _Merry christmas, biatch! What did you get?_ Alice messaged me.

I typed out a quick reply and then shoved the tray of potatoes back into the oven, snorting at her less than endearing nickname for me. But that was just Alice.

 _Merry christmas!_ _Lots. Jewellery, books, art stuff, make-up, clothes. You? -B_

"Hand me the salt, love," Mom said, extending her hand to me. I slipped the oven-mitts off and handed the shaker over.

"Thanks."

 _Same stuff really. When can we meet? I wanna give you your present. -A_

 _Maybe tomorrow?_ I wrote, biting my lip, _I'm having christmas dinner with the fam tonight._

 _Same here. Okay, I'll tell Leah. Talk later. -A_

I pocketed my phone and continued helping Mom out in the kitchen. We were hot and sweaty and probably smelled like grease and veg and roasted turkey by the time we'd finished, so we took turns showering whilst the other watched over the kids.

Mom had sent Dad to the bar for a couple extra bottles of wine and napkins and he'd blissfully agreed, probably wanting a bit of peace and quiet before the whole family arrived. I couldn't begrudge him that, but I wanted to look nice so I quickly scrubbed myself, shaved and lathered my hair with strawberry-scented shampoo and conditioner before changing into the pretty pink dress I'd bought just for the occasion. Sure it was cold outside, but we were all toasty warm inside so I didn't mind. I opted to stay barefoot just because of that.

I'd painted my nails a pale, glittery pink the night before and curled my hair, pinning it up for the night so it was extra flouncy. I applied a little glitter on my eyelids and mascara and lipgloss, pinching my cheeks to rouge them.

"You look nice," Dad said when I came down and kissed his cheek.

"Thanks," I said, stealing a glass of _Snowball_.

It didn't take long for the others to arrive.

There was a knock at the door, a flurry of activity. Mom bustled to the door, stepping over presents strewn along the floor with a glass of wine in hand. I wondered if she'd let me have one.

There were voices and laughter and cheers and 'Merry Christmas!' all around. Maggie was sitting on my lap, a new dolly in her arms.

She jumped down when our family came bustling in. It was Rose and Em, but Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil arrived shortly after. Vickie and Edward were a little late and I didn't want to dwell on the why, so I entertained the twins and helped Maggie open the presents they brought around. It was only when Rose and Vickie called for my attention that I looked up, my words trailing off.

"Yeah?"

"Come here. We've got something for you," Rose said, motioning me over. Vickie was smiling beside her, a gift bag with christmas puddings dotted all over it dangling from her finger. The matching bracelets I'd gotten each of them was dangling delicately from her wrist, stars and moons laying over the little green veins underneath the inside of her wrist.

I shimmied Maggie off and stood, tip-toeing over strewn wrapping paper and abandoned toys. The place was a mess, but it was called for on this occasion.

"What is it?" I asked, trying to peer into the bag. She swung it around her back and they led me into the kitchen, setting the gift bag on the table for me.

I sat, buzzing with barely contained excitement and filled with a warmth, and started pulling gold tissue paper apart to get to the gift inside. It was a scrap book, cardboard coloured with shapes cut out to reveal twirls and vines and birds fluttering about in a beautiful turquoise and gold card on the other side.

"Wow," I said, admiring the pretty cover.

"Open it," Rose encouraged.

I pulled apart the little turquoise strings binding it together and gasped at what I saw inside. It wasn't just photos from over the years like I'd imagined. They'd hand-decorated each and every page with ribbons and sequins and bows and stickers surrounding each photo. They ranged from when I was just a baby, with Vickie and Rose tiny themselves, to just a few weeks ago at the beach, in the back garden a few months ago sipping homemade lemonade, at a party last year, at the diner a few years ago… Each of them were accompanied by hand-written notes and memories in a neat, colourful calligraphy— a mixture of both their hand.

"Wow," I repeated, flicking through the pages, smiling and laughing at some of the photographs and some of the notes.

Me, just days old, wedged between the two of them…

 _About ten seconds after this photo was taken, you spewed all over us…_

Sure enough there was another picture with Rose and Vickie grimacing and me doe-eyed with white-stuff dripping down my chin.

Me in just a diaper with a pacifier hiding my smile in a dolls pram with Rose pushing me, her blonde hair in two loose braids, her two front teeth missing…

 _You made the best doll and I made the best poster-child for 'All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth'…_

The three of us in a paddling pool out back in just our undies. I was staring at the camera, but the girls were oblivious, splashing and playing besides me.

 _You always were a splash!_

They were endless, some making me smile others bringing tears to my eyes. They'd really gone all out.

I stopped at one at the diner a few years ago. It was a close-up of us all, taken by my mom. We were all leaning into the table, Vickie and Rose were sipping Coke's, but I was slurping on a pale pink milkshake for the camera. It was goofy and sweet and nostalgic.

The borders were decorated with bows and a gold trellis-like trim and milkshake stickers and tiny drawings. I traced my fingers over them, "I love it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I grinned, flicking to the next page where I was all decked out in my cheer-gear with Rose and Vickie posing on either side of me.

I perused every page carefully, entranced and emotional at their thoughtful gift, "Thank you. Really, I don't know what to say."

I hugged them both as they laughed at my silliness, "We were gonna give it to you for your seventeenth, but it took longer than we thought."

"I can't imagine why," I laughed, wiping my eyes. It must've taken forever to think this all out, organise each photograph into the right order, decorate and leave multiple little messages and sketches for each page.

We eventually went back into the living room —after my thanking them a hundred times over and hugging them tightly again— to join the others and I shared the scrapbook with my Mom and Aunt Angie when they asked where we'd been hiding, although I imagined they'd probably already seen it.

"Wow, that's so thoughtful," Mom said, tracing the decorations and our baby faces just as I'd been doing.

She'd loved the framed picture of Freddy Prince Junior I'd gotten her. It was hung on her bedroom wall already, thanks to a grumbling Dad. He'd claimed he kind of looked like him when she'd tore it from it's wrapping paper and she'd gone along with it, winking at me from across the room.

"I know," I agreed, still a little awestruck with their thoughtfulness. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to stop flicking through the pages.

Dad even had a little mooch through it, although he was a lot more quick and gruff about it with a low 'that's nice'. Typical Dad response.

I helped Mom out in the kitchen, where her and Aunt Angie had left to check on the food, and when I returned Vickie was showing Edward the scrapbook. I don't know why it made me nervous, but it did. I guess I was just a little embarrassed at him seeing me in diapers and toothless and goofy.

I sat on the arm of the sofa besides Vickie, looking over her shoulder at the photographs.

"I remember this one," He said suddenly, stopping on the page with the three of us girls at the diner. Two Cokes and a milkshake.

I froze.

"What?" She laughed, peering in a little more.

He touched his fingers to each of the glasses we were slurping from, "This is the one on your bedroom wall at home."

Vickie snorted, "I've got loads of pictures on my wall."

That was true. Vickie's room hadn't changed much over the years, maybe the bedding or the colour of the walls, a few trinkets, but she still had a floor-length mirror hung on her wall with photos from over the years surrounding it.

"I guess I just remember this one," He said, shrugging and flipping to the next page quickly, but he seemed a little… off.

He went through the rest of the book, laughing at some, but generally pensive and thoughtful, quiet. When he finished, he closed it gently and let Vickie tie the strings into a neat bow.

I fetched my _Snowball_ from the coffee table and when I sat back on the arm of the sofa, Edward stood suddenly, stretching as he did. Vickie and I both looked up at him and the others gazes travelled to him at the movement.

"Just going for a smoke," He said, patting his pockets.

Aunt Angie and Mom tutted, earning an eye-roll from me. Mom used to smoke all of the time.

He ignored them, leaning down to whisper something in Vickie's ear and kissed her cheek. His fingers grazed my bare leg from my elevated position, soft and fleeting, but that didn't stop the goosebumps from spreading all over my legs, my arms. I shivered at the contact and his eyes flickered up to mine from Vickie's ear, all lashes and smiley-creases at the corner of his eyes.

I rubbed my hands over my legs, sure he could see the effect of his touch had on me. His eyes flickered to the motion of my hands quickly, just as quickly looking back at me. Vickie squeezed his arm in acknowledgment and he grinned and straightened again, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he walked towards the kitchen. I listened for the familiar sound of the back door clicking shut and finally breathed when I heard it.

* * *

The food was sublime, homey and filling and delicious. We had all the veg you could think of in deep, hot dishes and a turkey with all the trimmings, stuffing, gravy. Afterwards, we had maple and pecan pie with cream and the kids had strawberry cheesecake, although I managed to squeeze a small slice of that in, too. Edward did the same, smiling at me over the floral centrepiece. His foot nudged my ankle beneath the table and I smiled, digging in despite my bursting-at-the-seams belly. There was always room for dessert.

Even when it wasn't exactly themed for the holiday season per-se.

I helped Mom carry empty dishes to the kitchen after everyone had finished and piled them besides the sink. I grabbed the dishtowel as she went to slip on the bright pink rubber gloves, but before she could slip her full hand inside, Edward appeared in the doorway.

"Let me," He said, walking towards my mother with his hands outstretched. Even when I was wearing my wedges, he was taller than me, but barefoot he was almost towering in stature.

Mom smiled and shook her head, "Don't be silly. You're our guest."

I remembered how tense she'd been when they'd first met three christmases ago, the false sense of warmth rolling off of her. It was blatantly obvious that she wasn't impressed with Edward. Despite his chivalrous behaviour, he was just too old for Mom's favourite niece. She'd changed her tune over the years and I could tell she had a bit of a soft spot for him.

I wondered if she'd still think that if she knew about the feelings I had for him.

"I insist," He simpered and she reluctantly dropped the luridly pink gloves into his palm. She lingered about the kitchen for a second, hesitating to leave me alone with him, assessing whether I was comfortable, which was ridiculous because we'd been working on the garden alone together all summer. I offered her a small smile and she left with a 'thanks'.

Edward dropped the gloves on the side whilst he rolled the sleeves of his jumper up, revealing the ink my eyes always wandered to whenever he did. He looked good in the thick, cream jumper he had on. Different, but in a good way. In the best way. I was sure he could wear a trash-bag and look as deliciously divine as he always did.

Edward slipped the gloves on, letting the water run until it was warm enough and filled with soapy suds. I chuckled at the sight of him in them. It was just so absurd.

He wiggled his fingers at me, "Think I need to get me a pair of these."

I laughed at his joking.

"Too cool, remember?" He added.

I smiled, "How could I forget?"

He grinned and started washing, handing the plates to me to dry. It seemed so domesticated and normal, so easy and… nice. It was nice.

We chatted for a while. Usually, so much washing-up made me moody and huffy, but I was anything but as we bantered back and forth whilst exchanging dishes.

"I can't believe it's been three years," I said as I assorted the cutlery into the right places in the drawer organiser. I wasn't sure he knew what I meant, so I made to elaborate, "you know, since we—"

"Since we met," He finished for me, eyes finding mine. He smiled and I grinned right back, blushing.

He knew.

Of course he knew. It was his first Christmas with Victoria.

"Yeah, it feels like yesterday."

"Yeah, it does, but it also feels like forever ago. We've changed. _You've_ changed."

I snorted, "I don't think you've changed one bit."

"And why's that?" Smarmy and infectious, flicking bubbles at me.

I laughed, brushing them off, "You're still just as childish."

"Oh, really?" He asked, flicking another, larger load of bubbles at me.

"Definitely!" I shrieked, slapping his arm playfully.

"Well, you've changed, too," He said.

"Yeah, how's that?" I asked, expecting him to be just as joking in his retort as I'd been, but his seriousness shocked me.

"You're all grown up, Milkshake Girl."

I couldn't ignore the way his eyes smouldered at me or the way he made my heart rate spike erratically. His eyes didn't linger over my body like his words implied, they merely stared into my own. It felt intimate, too intimate, but also strangely heart-warming. The blood rushed to my cheeks and the heat of the kitchen didn't help, so I turned to continue putting the dishes away.

And when my cheeks only grew in warmth, I leant over the draining board and opened the window over the sink. I felt the shift of fabric over the backs of my thighs and worked hastily with the handle. It was stiff, but I expected that after years of experience.

What I didn't expect was where Edward's eyes had drifted to in my struggle. They darted away just as quickly and the heat was unbearable now.

I'd just flashed Edward.

I pulled back, touching the fleshy skin at the back of my thighs quickly, tugging the dress back down.

And it was in that moment that I thought maybe he wasn't so unaffected by me as he made out.

We finished up in the kitchen, working in relative silence, and I wondered what he was thinking as I dried the last plate and put it back in the cupboard.

I was folding the dishtowel, just the way Mom had shown me, when his fingers brushed my arm, "Hey."

"Hmm?" His touch startled me and my fingers faltered as I shook it out to refold.

"Come outside for a smoke with me?" He asked quietly, inclining his head to the hallway. Mom and Dad were chatting out there about getting the kids to bed and if I could hear them, I was sure they could hear us.

I hesitated for just a moment, wondering what the others would think. But they'd been ploughed with wine and beer all night long and Edward and I hadn't touched a drop, so I was sure they wouldn't notice. Snowballs didn't count.

"Okay," I nodded, placing the cloth neatly on the side, following him out the back door. We sat on the porch steps, looking out over the backyard.

He lit up and I watched him, thinking about the last time we'd sat in just this spot. He must've been thinking the same thing because his lips formed a slow smile around the cigarette dangling between them.

"What?"

I think he already knew.

"Nothing. I was just thinking…"

"Uh-oh," He joked, blowing out the side of his mouth.

I nudged his arm with mine playfully, "Hey," I fake-fumed, earning a low chuckle as he placed the stick between his lips again, sucking in, "I was _thinking_ that this is kind of our spot."

He hummed, holding the smoke in his lungs, cheeks hollowed out, brows furrowed in, "I guess so."

He held the cigarette near his face, rubbing his knuckle back and forth over his top lip, smoke seeping between his fingers.

"Thanks for the gift, by the way."

His eyes flickered to mine, a slow blink. I wondered if he even knew what he and Vickie had gotten me.

He ran his hand through his hair, "That's actually why I asked you to come out here."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I, uh, got you something. From me, I mean. Just me."

Somersaults and butterflies.

 _Just me._

 _Silly boy._ Even though I knew that wasn't what he meant.

With a smoke dangling from his lips, he lifted his hips to dip his hand into his pocket, retrieving a little wrinkled package. The wrapping was awful, yet endearing. I could just picture him, tongue sticking out in concentration, brows drew in as his long fingers made a mess of the neat sheets of snowmen-adorned paper.

"What is it?" I asked, curling my fingers around it, fiddling with the little crushed gold bow he'd stuck on top.

"Open it," He mumbled around the smoke, high-strung and sheepish.

I gently tugged it apart, aware of his eyes watching my every move. The blue velvet box nestled inside set my heart off spastically and what was inside that put a watery smile on my face. A tiny pair of earrings speared a piece of velvet card.

I chuckled quietly, holding them to my face to see them more clearly.

"You like 'em?"

"I love them," I said and it was true. I set the box aside and started to undo the clasp of my own earrings, replacing them with the others in the box. I fixed them in and tucked my hair behind my ear, wiggling my lobe around for him to see, "They cool?"

" _Too cool._ Be better if they were chocolate brown."

The studs formed two little milkshakes, pink, of course, with cream and a cherry on top. Glittery with tiny diamanté crystals embedded in them. They were utterly adorable and so not Edward. But they were us and it made it all the better.

 _Too cool._

I rolled my eyes, "No way. Pink to make the boys wink."

He chuckled, shaking his head, eyes on the hem of my dress, "Indeed."

I dropped my hands to my lap and his eyes wandered to the pink of my nails and toes. I wiggled them and he chuckled, "They match perfectly."

"Exactly. Chocolate brown would be so… drab."

"They'd match your eyes."

I don't even think he realised he'd said it. But I noticed and my stomach did, too. It was in knots.

But then he continued, "Not drab, just… chocolatey."

 _His favourite._

He totally knew what he'd said and he wasn't backtracking or stuttering or looking pained. In fact, he looked kind of happy, pleased with himself.

So, naturally, my big mouth had to go and ruin it, "What made you pick them?"

His face dropped, his lips thinned, "I just saw them and thought of you."

I smiled, "I'm glad you did. I love them."

"Really?"

"Yes," I traced my finger over the outline of them in my ear and he flashed me a megawatt grin.

The engraved car-logo keyring I'd gotten him now seemed silly in comparison, but I'd never expected a gift personally from him anyway.

"I wish I'd gotten you something more—"

"Don't," He interrupted, "It's cool. Really. Nobody really gets me shit anyway."

I nodded, trying to ignore the silly sense of guilt that had settled over me. It was just Edward. He didn't expect anything. But that didn't mean that I didn't want to give him something more. Didn't want to _take_ something more.

I sat for a moment, imagining what it would be like if I would just admit that outloud to him, but the thought was so daring and uncertain, yet certain all at once because there was no way, in any instance, that things would end well with that admittance, that giving over of trust. And the consequences wouldn't just crush me, they'd crush my whole family. That realisation was harrowing, heart-breaking.

But that's what it always came down to.

The little slip in the kitchen may've enlightened me to the fact that Edward wasn't all-that unaffected by me after all, but that meant nothing in the scheme of things. Would he really risk his relationship with Vickie for me? These ridiculously unrealistic thoughts were dizzying and stupid, stupid, stupid.

Because, no, I wasn't sure he would. The consequences were too broad and far-reaching.

"Can I ask you something?" I said instead, to dispel the thoughts that convoluted my stomach and made my temples throb.

He nodded, taking a drag. I realised it was a new cigarette he'd lit. Did he not want to get back inside to Vickie?

"Why do you call me Milkshake Girl?"

He grimaced, turning his head. I didn't think he'd reply, but then he spoke, "You see that picture in there?"

I frowned, but then understanding dawned on me and my eyes widened, "The one of the three of us at the diner?"

He nodded, looking solemn, "Yeah. I saw it on Vic's wall the first time I was in her room," His ears tinged pink at that and I didn't want to think about why, "and I guess it just stuck. I didn't know who you were, so I called you that in my head I guess, up until I met you at least."

"Even then," I joked and he cracked a shallow smile.

"Even then, indeed."

But then a thought struck me. Why would he be thinking about me at all?

"Did you— I mean, you had to have thought about me some to call me that in your head."

He swallowed and I wished I could take the words back. He shook his head, "You make it sound so creepy." He joked, but it was taut.

I cracked a smile, "It kind of is. I was fourteen."

He turned to me, taken about, "I didn't, I mean, I don't—"

I busted out laughing at his expression, "I was kidding."

"Shit, Bella, that's not funny," He snapped, raking his hand through his hair. He was frowning so hard, the piercing in his eyebrow brushed his lashes.

"I'm sorry," I quickly placated, "I didn't mean it that way, honest. It was just a stupid joke."

He huffed and shook his head, looking away.

"I didn't realise you were all related at first. I thought you were just a friend from school or something. I'd met Rose by that point, uh, before I went into Vic's bedroom the first time and saw the picture," He glanced at me awkwardly, almost apologetically as he flicked ash off of his cigarette, but his voice was still tinged with anger, "We all went on a double-date together."

"You thought I was the same age as them?" I asked dumbly, selectively overlooking the rest of what he'd said, because whilst I never really went through the whole acne and braces phase like most kids did, I wasn't exactly all womanly. I was sure you could see our ages in that picture. If I was fourteen, that made Rose nineteen and Vickie twenty-one.

"Yeah, I guess. I didn't really think about it in that way," He said, smoke billowing out as he spoke, "I was kind of new to town and I didn't exactly know anyone, who was related to who, nothing."

"Must've been hard."

"It was."

"So, why did you bother then? Moving here I mean." I didn't mean for it to sound so brash, but he didn't seem to care.

He shrugged, averting his eyes to the flowers surrounding the yard. I wondered if he was thinking about us trimming and pruning, goofing off and drinking lemonade in the sun, skin tanned and freckles abundant, "Change of scenery, I guess."

I couldn't imagine doing that, up and moving away from my family, and I couldn't exactly imagine Edward doing something so brash, but I didn't want to broach the subject again. It hadn't ended well the last time.

"Why Forks?"

He looked at me this time, "Small town, nobody knew me, or my past."

It seemed like a slip of the tongue maybe because suddenly his lips were jammed shut.

The breath left me quickly and I realised I was cold in just my little dress. I rubbed my arms, hoping the friction would help. It didn't.

I remembered exactly three years ago how he'd given me his jacket to wear, my first time getting high, the happiness I felt in the wearing of his clothes. Like a kid when I'd slip on one of my mom's dresses, her pearls and her rosy-red lipstick, her shiny heels and the blush, choking with pride as I looked at my reflection in the vanity mirror and saw her looking back at me. Borrowing his coat, wearing it around my shoulders even for just a short while, had been just like that, a triumph, a beaming sense of pride. The way his presence, even way back then, made me feel settled and unsettled all at once. Things hadn't changed much over the years in that regard. I still got the same topsy-turvy feelings around him.

"Why would your past factor into it?" I asked quietly, voice shaking.

He stared at me for a second. It almost seemed as if he couldn't even see me, didn't know I was there. I nudged his arm a little, "Edward?"

"We should go back inside," He said, jamming the cigarette butt into the patio floor. He wedged it down a gap in the panelling and stood up.

I sighed, annoyed at myself, at him. Why did it always have to be this way between us? It always came back to the same thing and it was getting old, fast.

But I just couldn't quit.

The highest highs and the lowest lows. A constant back-and-forth, no in-between. No balance.

He waited for me as I straightened out my dress and brushed out unseen creases. I didn't expect him to say anything else, as broody as he seemed. I expected him to walk away, quickly, evade me as always, cling to Vickie's side all evening, but as soon as we made it back to the kitchen he turned to me.

He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it just as quickly. He deliberated for a moment, growing more agitated by the minute.

"You reminded me of someone," He said quickly, almost without forethought, "In the picture I mean."

I stopped, eyes flickering to the slither of the living room I could see from across the hall. Christmas music was still playing lowly from the music channel on the TV, but I could see Maggie was asleep, her head on Dad's chest as he stroked her curly head. Mom was besides him, taking inconspicuous pictures of them on her phone. I couldn't see the others from my position.

I fiddled with the milkshakes in my ears, "Oh, who?"

He shook his head, ignoring me, " _That's_ the only reason I thought of you at all."

His words were like a dagger.

* * *

It didn't take long for everybody to start trickling out with wide yawns and hugs and kisses and more well-wishes.

"You've been quiet," Aunt Angie commented as she kissed my cheek and squeezed my shoulder, "everything all right?"

"Yes," I said simply. My throat felt tight and my eyes felt heavy, "fine."

She frowned, but nodded, leaning in for another kiss, "Okay, sweetie. I'm always here if you need me. Merry Christmas."

I wished her the same and tried to hide the overwhelming urge to cry as I said my goodbyes to everybody. Edward had his hands stuffed in his pockets, awkward and solemn in his silence. He nodded at me once, "Merry Christmas, _Isabella_."

I turned my head.

I helped Mom tidy around a little before bed, lugging wrapping paper and bows and envelopes into the trash bag she held open for me.

"You okay, hun?"

Was it that obvious?

I hummed my acknowledgement and went about tidying. Mom yawned, stifling it against the back of her hand, and I saw her wedding ring gleaming on her ring finger. She hadn't worn it in years.

I was about to mention it, my giddiness overwhelming the tiredness and sadness that overcame me, when my phone chirped from the sofa somewhere. I dug it out from down the side, expecting Alice to be getting back in touch.

It was Edward.

 _At first. -E_

* * *

 **A/N- I don't know why I'm so nervous about posting this chapter, but I've been deliberating and waiting and editing and wanting to start all over again for too long, so I gave in. We're getting somewhere. I wasn't actually going to add that last little bit, just to be mean, but it's been a little while and I didn't feel so evil today, so you're welcome. Some don't like the slow burn, others do. I am on of those _others_ and I write what I like to read in a fanfic. Slow burns are my favourite and make the outcome so much sweeter when it finally comes around, don't ya think? **

**Just a little side-note. Somebody mentioned Edward using the word 'whilst' and it not being very manly. I didn't realise that this was a British word and being from England myself we use it a lot, so it's not out of the ordinary for somebody to use it. In fact, it's very ordinary lol. And I'm sure there are other 'blunders' somewhere in here that aren't what are considered typical to you/characters within this fic, but just go along with it 'cause I know no different. I just found that a little interesting since it's just normal vocab to me.**

 **My childhood friend once got me the same scrapbook as described for my birthday one year. It's still the most thoughtful and most-loved gift I've ever received. I never got milkshake earrings though…**

 **Anyway, it's good to be back. Leave me some love or hate, whatever floats ya boat.**


	16. 16: Catching The Butterfly

**Chapter 16: Catching The Butterfly**

After christmas, it was back to the normal routine.

We had the clear-up, the ritual boxing of old toys and nick-knacks to donate on Boxing Day, and then I was back at the bar with Cora and Rose and Dad. In just a few weeks, Rose was leaving us to work at the garage with Edward and although I was happy for her, I was also bummed that she wouldn't be around as much. We'd worked at the bar together since I was sixteen and it wouldn't be the same without her.

So we made the most of her time there, hanging out on the breaks we had that overlapped, taking long walks down the high-street to the bakery, the book store, the ice-cream parlour. She introduced me to banana split sundae's and I shared cheesy straws with her and she'd asked when I'd found them. _Just decided to try them one time… with Alice, yeah Alice._

It was nice, but also kind of bittersweet.

"You've still got Vickie," She said one day, nudging my shoulder with a small, sad smile on her lips.

"I know, but it won't be the same without you."

I waited for her to roll her eyes at my theatrics, but she hugged me instead and kissed my temples and squeezed me tighter.

She mussed my hair up as she pulled back, "I'll still be around, kiddo."

"I know."

"And maybe I can come here on my breaks," She said, but I knew that wouldn't happen and I think she sensed that, too, "and you can always come down to the garage on your breaks whenever you feel like."

I hoped she'd say that.

* * *

New Years Eve rolled around in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

Like ever year, we opted to go to the towns annual display. A carnival came into town religiously every year with rides that made you sick and dizzy and loopy—The Waltz's, a Ferris Wheel, a rickety little roller-coaster. When I was younger Rose once told me that somebody slipped right out of the harness and died and I could totally believe it, but it wasn't true of course, otherwise it wouldn't be back every year. There were basketball hoop, ring toss and hook-the-duck stalls, candy-cone stores on wheels and little burger shacks with the greasiest burgers known to man, but with firework displays that didn't disappoint.

Alice and Leah came with their families, too, and about every other person I went to school with, but our families sort of converged on these occasions.

Our parents, along with Aunt Angie and Uncle Phil, Edward and Vickie, all sat together on a load of grass-strewn picnic blankets arranged on the floor with Shandy's and sparklers for the kids. Leah even brought her dog who we fawned over for a bit. Her older brother was going to walk him home before the fireworks started with his girl, which I thought was pretty pointless, but they were new and giving each other lovey-dovey eyes and I could imagine why they'd want to be alone together when it struck midnight. Leah didn't live too far anyway, so they'd probably see the fireworks from home… and probably the other kind, too. Eww.

Rose and Emmett were spending this year with his parents, which sucked but they'd spent every other year with us and Emmett had finally put his foot down, which I could not imagine with Rose but she agreed so it couldn't have been too bad. They'd spent Christmas with us anyway, so it was only fair, which is what she'd told Mom last night on the phone.

Mom wasn't happy, but she got it. That didn't stop her from moping about all day long with 'my baby's are all growing up' and 'they don't need their momma no more' and holding Maggie extra close, which was silly 'cause we did need her… to cook for us and clean and love us… tuck us in at night. The kids, but sometimes me, too.

Riley had already messaged me, wishing me a happy new year. He'd said he wanted to do it earlier just in case we couldn't get reception at twelve, which was understandable, but also kind of disappointing. He should've been with me, like every other year. It was strange.

I thought about leaving him, how this would be a constant thing, but quickly pushed the thought away. I didn't want or need to think about that right now.

I had Edward here, in front of me, for the first time since Christmas.

 _At first._

Those words, those two little words with potentially resounding implications, those words constantly flitted through my head, making me dizzy and giddy and sick all at the same time. I wanted him. Did he want me? What if he meant something else? Could I really do this to our families? Vickie? What would happen if I did?

But I pushed those thoughts aside for now, too. I needed to speak to him, one-on-one. I needed answers.

I got them awhile later —or they were alluded to at least— whilst queuing for candy-floss. We were the designated buyers it seemed. Well, _I_ had been. He'd just tagged along.

 _"Need a hand?"_

I couldn't look at him as he'd unfurled his long legs from the floor, Vickie looking up at him with this big grin and him… looking at me, to see if I was alright with that I guess. I'd nodded like a dummy and he'd smiled and then he caught up with me a few beats ahead and looked down at me, but I'd looked away. Well, I'd wanted answers, all that one-on-one bullcrap and here he was, but I wasn't sure I could do it now.

It was awkward at first, for me at least, the silence stretching before us as we waited in the long line. I shifted my weight from foot to foot and crossed and uncrossed my arms, my eyes darting to him, away again. He seemed to be doing the same thing, the stance I mean, except his eyes stayed just on me, a small smile tugging at his lips as he watched. Watched me. It was one of those one-sided ones boys got, that smile, but his was the only one that made my stomach twist and turn, my insides turned to mush.

"So, where's your boyfriend?" He said, still staring at me with that smirk. Goading me I knew, but I fell like I always did.

"Riley?" I asked stupidly because who else would he be talking about? "He's, uh, at home I think?"

He made this sound, like a laugh, but spiteful, "You don't know?"

I shrugged.

He snorted, rocking on his heels, hands stuffed in his pockets, looking up at me from under those lashes, those eyebrows… those, those…

"What?"

"Who doesn't spend New Years Eve with their girlfriend?"

I shrugged again, "Riley, I guess. He's spending it with his family."

He hummed, all smug and smarmy and pretentious and then, "How old is he again?"

And there was that smile again, the one that made me want to punch but mainly kiss him.

"Same age as me," I deadpanned, staring at him a little, willing him to quit it. He wasn't exactly making me feel better about the situation. But he knew that. "Why?"

His head cocked to the side as he stared at me, his shuffling halted. He leaned in a little closer, "Who's gonna be kissing you at midnight now, girl?"

My shoulders tensed as his breath washed over me, minty and fresh, that piercing dancing in his eyebrow, "I—"

I wasn't even sure what I was about to say.

He hummed and retracted, laughing like he was joking, but this wasn't a joke, to me at least. I was speechless and dizzy and so, so confused.

He took a step forward as the queue shortened, but it took a second for my brain to catch up with my body. I was still in a daze when I took a slow step forward, staring at the back of the woman in front of me.

"I don't like him."

He was squinting at the sign displaying prices, what was on offer. Like he hadn't spoken a word. He started patting his pockets, looking for his smokes or his wallet probably.

I turned my head slowly towards him, blinking in my stupor, "I'm sorry?"

'Cause I wasn't sure I'd heard him properly.

But I had. Loud and clear.

He didn't reiterate himself, "I don't know what it is. I just don't trust him."

"You don't know him."

He snorted, "Don't have to. It's just his type—" He stopped abruptly, side-eyeing me, "But I shouldn't be saying this stuff to you, should I?"

"Would it stop you even if you should?" I wouldn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me.

He laughed and it was the one I liked this time, real, "True."

And I looked at him now, saw that smile, the full one, and I smiled right back. I pretty much couldn't help it.

He was staring, at my face, but not my eyes, maybe my lips… or maybe it was my chin, I couldn't be sure and then, "You're too good for him."

I blinked and stared right back, but he didn't blink. The truth was written all over his face, the sincerity.

"I don't—"

"Scratch that," He said, cutting me off. My lips mashed together and his words mashed my heart right up. "You're too good for anyone."

His eyes flitted between mine, full of truth and a need and a sadness, heavy and hard and sad, sad, sad.

I opened my mouth to speak and clamped it right back up, not knowing how to respond, a fish out of water, a head full of bubbles. Or milkshakes and boys. Boy.

"Can I take your order, please?" The girl at the concession stand interrupted and it cleared, my head that is. Some, but not at all really.

We got six sticks of candy-floss, one each for the twins, Vickie, Alice and Leah. I was sharing with Maggie because it was too much sugar for her and I didn't feel like it anymore. I was already jittery with nerves. A sugar-rush wasn't needed when I had a rush from Edward's proximity.

We collected them, handing over the cash, and headed back over to the group, opting for a slow stroll.

I pinched a piece of the pink fluff off, tilting my chin up to dangle it into my mouth.

Edward laughed and I jerked my head to him, feeling the sugar dissolve on my lips. I licked it off, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand afterwards, "What?"

"You," He chuckled, gesturing to my face. I wiped it again. He rolled his eyes, "Such a sweet tooth with your milkshakes and your candy-floss."

And he wasn't staring at my eyes again.

I rolled my eyes, plucking another piece off, "And who gets me these milkshakes?" I popped it in my mouth, "And candy-floss it seems now, too."

He chuckled as I spoke with a mouth full of candy and a heart full of him, "Beats me."

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

I swallowed, speaking clear now, "Taking me for milkshakes and things."

He side-eyed me, brows furrowed, "Why would I regret that?"

I shrugged, taking a moment to consider my words before I spoke again, "You don't take Rose for them. Or Emily or Jake or Maggie. Why me?"

"Maggie's a bit of a handful. In fact, all of the above are," He joked. I blinked, waiting on a legitimate answer, not more evasions and twisting of words and more evasions. His lips formed a little pout as he exhaled, the resignation settling in. I could see it, "I don't know, Bella. I just do."

"There must be a reason."

"Bella."

"What?"

"I like you."

"You _like_ me?"

His words kickstarted those little butterflies in my stomach, somersaults and sadness.

"Yeah, we get on, don't we?"

I nodded stupidly. He made me stupid.

I shook my head, trying to ward off the funk he put me in.

"But you get on with Rose," I pointed out.

He shook his head, "It's different with us."

"Different how?"

He stilled and it took a few more steps for my feet to catch up with my brain, which was with Edward. Always was. I stopped, I spun, he rounded on me and I shouldn't have brought it up. I should've let it go, gone with the flow, even flow, but I couldn't help myself.

"Why are you asking me this stuff? What's going on?"

A few kids ran past us, shrieking and laughing, and I allowed myself to observe them, biding time to put my thoughts in order. My eyes flitted to his face, so serious and about the handsomest I'd ever seen even so, and back to those kids. I wanted to be young again, back before all this turmoil and heartache, back to the slow-pining and the harmless crushing, not this all-consuming feeling I got whenever he was near… even when he wasn't. I looked at him again, sighing, "You said I reminded you of someone. Who was it?"

"Lets not do this here," He said, looking around us. There was nobody within hearing distance, but I got it. Small town, ears everywhere, the guy in that baseball cap? Could be Riley for all I knew.

"Where then? When?"

"Later," He said, eyes flitting over my face, looking for reassurance, sussing me out. I nodded, turning to walk back to our family.

We got caught in a throng of people and then my hand was in Edward's. He just reached on back, not looking, his hand searching mine out. He didn't seem to react to the contact, but my palms felt sweaty and my heart was doing the jitter and I thought I was going to vomit, but in a good way. Is there a good way to vomit?

He had that same smirk on his face like he knew. Did he? I hoped not. But I also hoped for the opposite, too, 'cause at least then it would be out there.

We handed out the sweet confectionary when we finally made it back to the group and I perched Maggie on my lap, letting her rip strands off and watching as she smushed them into her mouth. The candy-floss turned dark pink in places after a while, wet with her drool, and I handed the whole thing to her, suddenly finding it unappealing.

Alice shared a little of hers with me and I pinched small pieces off, rolling them up before popping them into my mouth. My stomach was still in bits, thinking about Edward. I tried not to look at him, but when I did, I found he was looking at me, too.

* * *

We sat around for a few hours, lounging and chatting and eating the over-priced food from various stalls. Sugary donuts, hot chocolates with squirty cream and sprinkles and the cheesiest cheeseburgers, but I gave Leah my onions and she gave me her pickles.

The girls and I rid the Ferris Wheel twice and Alice covered her eyes the entire way round and squealed like a pig. Leah jibed her but I held her hand, steady and sure until she could look and then she rested her head on my shoulder and that's when we stayed on for a second round.

Maggie had fallen asleep by the time we got back and I wondered how she could sleep through the noise and I missed that as a kid; falling asleep anywhere and waking up cosy and warm in your bed or maybe when your dad carried you up the stairs and you pretended to be asleep.

Emily has a pack of glow-in-the-dark snappy bracelets and she said I could have the blue one because it was my favourite colour. She popped it for me, cracking the bracelet until it glowed a lilac-blue and fastened it around my wrist. She bumped it with the orange one she had secured around her little wrist, the one that still looked boney and pale from the break and the cast last summer, and smiled her toothy smile. She gave Alice and Leah pink and green ones and they swapped with each other and even Jake had a yellow one around his wrist, and Vickie the same. Edward had the other blue one in the pack and it felt like we were tethered in some way, silly as it sounded.

"Five minutes to go!" Vickie called and I looked over quickly. She had her hand on Edward's lap. I sucked the sugar-dust off my pinkie, dipping it back in the empty donut bag for more. I looked up at him and he was looking back and I knew I'd been caught. I dunked my finger again, swirling around for the dregs of powdery goodness and turned to Alice.

She was shit-talking and being goofy and telling us the plans that she had for the year with us. She wanted to go the beach more, when the weather brightened, she wanted to dye her hair, maybe purple or pink or blue, she couldn't decide, and get a tattoo with us, which was never going to happen.

"You can draw one on us, B," She said, nudging me as she slurped her spiked 7up.

"That's not a tattoo," I said, laughing.

She shrugged, "It's the closest we'll get at seventeen. Oh my God, we'll be eighteen this year!"

I don't know why I looked at Edward when she said that, but I did.

He was laughing at something Uncle Phil was saying. Vickie's hand was still on his thigh.

Emily had her head on Mom's shoulder, rubbing her eyes and yawning a little and Maggie was still sound asleep. We woke her up gently, Dad lifting her up so we could all stand around, watching them set up for the fireworks a little ways away from us.

We huddled together to conserve warmth, speaking excitedly to one another and watching with rapture as they announced over the outdoor speakers that the countdown would begin in thirty-seconds. I smushed Emily's hair up, wrapping one around her shoulders from behind whilst Alice clung onto my free hand, our fingers intertwined. Her fingers were warm in mine, but I could see her breath flowing in little foggy puffs as she laughed and squealed and smiled.

" _Ten… Nine… Eight…"_

I caught Mom's eye, giving her a wide smile as we counted down, our voices lost in the crowd, but I could hear _his_ deep voice over everyone else's regardless.

 _"Seven… Six… Five…"_

Jake ran over to Emily, throwing his arm over her shoulder.

Alice squeezed my hand and my eyes drew to Edward. He was standing on my other side, one arm draped over Vickie's shoulders, the other a phantom's brush against my arm.

 _"Three…"_

His pinky brushed along the outer-edge of my hand, sending a flurry of goosebumps along my arms and chest, more than the cold ever had, could.

 _"Two…"_

It stayed there for a second, not caressing or moving at all, just resting, but I felt dizzy and high from the contact. Did he even know he was doing it?

 _"One…"_

He curled his pinky around mine, holding tight and steady, completely deliberate. There was no denying it.

I wondered if it was still sticky from the sugar.

The sky erupted into a cacophony of colour and sound then, bright bursts of light and loud rumbles and pops. Emily was wide-awake now, eyes alight with wonder, a kaleidoscope of colour reflecting in her pupils.

A squeeze, of my pinkie, of my chest, and Edwards hold broke away and I didn't look, couldn't, as Vickie turned to kiss him. I felt it though, all over, all through me. Pins and needles. But he broke away quickly, pecking her once, on the nose but that didn't matter. It was already done.

I turned away, fighting back the bite of tears and blanched when I saw Mom and Dad sharing a small peck, Maggie between them. Mom caught me staring and smiled impishly, her cheeks pink, whether from the cold or embarrassment at being caught I didn't know. I thought of the ring on her finger at Christmas and smiled reassuringly, trying to fight back the bile rising up my throat at what I'd just witnessed on my other side, but I was happy for her, for them, truly.

Although they hadn't been together in so long and it felt a little strange, a little foreign, I was glad they were finally working things out.

Turning to watch the display again, I tried to rejoin the cheers and shouts and laughter, but I couldn't do it. The dejection and misplaced sadness that flooded me before was now replaced with abhorrence, with anger. The subtle brush of his fingers, the intertwining of our pinkies… What was all that about? Was he messing with me? Or would he have done the same if Rose was standing here… or Jasper?

I shivered. No, no. Just me. I knew it.

I continued watching the display, overthinking and not really paying attention, just a blur of pretty pinks and golden yellows and neon green, blues and deep purples and burning orange across the sky, and more of that green painted behind my eyelids, too.

I flinched when Alice drew me into a hug, squeezing me and peppering me in kisses. Jasper was on her other side, one arm wrapped around her waist still. I hadn't even realised he was there, but sure enough his family were standing just behind us.

They waved at me when I caught their eye and I returned the gesture. Jasper pulled me in for a hug of his own when Alice finally released me and then Leah took his place. I went through the motions, allowing everybody to pull me in quickly, bellowing a 'happy new year!' into each others ears over the explosion of fireworks and the raucous hustle and bustle of people around us.

And then I was tapped on the shoulder. Vickie squealed and pulled me in, rocking us to and fro and telling me how much she loved me. I let her, burrowing my chin into her shoulder, watching Edward on the other side. He watched me right back, eyes intense and hair wild.

"Happy New Year," He mouthed, but I closed my eyes, letting Vickie talk for a moment longer into my ear before pulling away.

He wasn't going to stand for that, but I never thought he would.

His fingers curled around my arm, over the red pea-coat I had on, tugging me back, tugging me in. His arms around me were civil from an outside point-of-view; cursory, polite, almost awkward, but his words were anything but.

"Wait up for me." Curt and low, making me shiver.

He drew back, smiling like things were normal, like it was a conventional, familial exchange. Like he hadn't just asked me to go behind my cousins back.

* * *

It happened like this.

The New Year's firework display ended but we stayed, chatting some more, wishing every neighbour and their cat a happy new year and lighting up some sparklers. I wrote my name in the air, punctuating it with a heart at the end, feeling Edward watching me, seeing him through the little sparks, looking away again. I taught Maggie how to do it, after showing her it wasn't scary and she wouldn't get burnt. She was wary at first, reluctant to even touch the tip of the stick, but soon she was drawing shapes and waving it about like she'd been fearless all along.

We packed up our things, taking longer than necessary to say our goodbyes, but Maggie was sleeping soundly and Emily was whining that she was tired, so we got ready to leave eventually.

I was antsy, chewing nervously on my nails as everybody said their goodbyes. I didn't know what time Edward would be coming by, if he was even going to stick to his word, but I was anxious to get home, to be ready for him, prepared. Like that was even possible. Another part of me wanted to ignore everything, go home, call Riley, be a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good little student, but I knew that I couldn't do that either. He called, I went. That's how it was and exactly how it shouldn't be.

Well, I never got the chance to decide anyway.

We were walking to the car when Alice and Leah saddled up on either side of me, linking their arms through mine like that daisy-chain.

"What are you—?"

They swooped me around, spinning me in the opposite direction, back to Jasper and now Paul, too, who were waiting a little ways away. Jasper did a little wave and Paul smushed a cigarette under his boot, and lifted his chin at me in that ostentatious way that boys did to greet one another.

"We're stealing Bella, Mrs S!" Alice called back to my mom.

"Not too late, Bella," was her reply. So it looked like I was going off with the girls then.

"What are we doing?"

Alice tutted, "What we do every year, B."

I gave her the eye.

"Well, okay, maybe not every year, but—"

"We're getting drunk!" Leah whooped, pinching my arm.

I rubbed the spot, frowning.

"Why?" She jibed, "you got other plans?"

 _Wait up for me._

"No," I scoffed, like I didn't.

She hummed and pulled a bottle from her pocket, brandishing it at me. She plucked the lid off and held it to my nose. The smell burnt my nostrils.

"Drink."

I took a few gulps, knowing they'd moan if I took just the one and maybe 'cause it would help me stop thinking. The burning sensation spread down my throat and in my chest, warming me right up.

I coughed and pulled a face, handing if back off to one of them. The tears blurring my eyes made it hard to see who.

I was always making the wrong decisions. Or maybe this was the right one.

"There's a party at Felix's," Leah said.

"And we're going," Alice trilled along.

Or maybe they were being made for me. Right or wrong. Maybe a little of both.

* * *

"No, you're supposed to unplug the carb and carry on inhaling!" Brady was saying to Kate.

She shrugged and got that dozy look on her face, but I thought she was faking so she probably was.

"Give it here," He said, taking the small bong from her. It was black with little blue dots on it. She crossed her legs criss-cross applesauce and huffed, "Watch me."

So she watched, attentive the way she was at practice, like it was just another thing she had to master. I rolled my eyes and looked at Alice who was crossed-eyed and leaning against Leah. We were in a circle of sorts, higher than high and talking about nothing and everything.

"Bella, your turn."

And so we passed it around for a while. Kate sucked too hard on her… whatever try she was on, and choked and batted her chest and we were all laughing, giddy-high and half-moon eyed, tipsy-happy and starved for rebellion. And Cheetos.

So Irina and I went to find some. I was scouring cupboards, but she opened just one and reached up on her tippy-toes to pull the corner of the packet down, "Found them."

I slowly shut the cupboard with the broken door I'd been looking in, looking at her. She noticed and she smiled, all demur now and hiding something that was bigger than a Cheetos stash in Felix's house, "Pot luck."

And then we laughed because of the pun and she popped the bag and we took a handful each before returning to the others.

My fingers were orange and I was staring at those, like carrots and I told Alice and we were both laughing at them and wiggling them about in each others faces until Alice licked some of mine and then I was cringing away and laughing at her silly-stupid antics.

"We should go McDonald's and get a bag of carrot-sticks," Alice said, her head on my shoulder. She was still looking at her crumby, orange fingers.

And I was laughing again, "If we're going McDonald's, I'm so not going for carrot-sticks."

Irina was next to me now, but she was talking to Kate across the circle. Felix was with an older guy in the corner, a solo cup in hand, but she was looking at him. I could see, her eyes flickering from Kate to him, trying to stop. I knew that, I lived it.

"Well, what then?" Alice said, distracting me, or un-distracting me.

I thought about it for a moment, saying the first thing that popped into my head, "Milkshakes."

Alice rolled her eyes and started gnawing on her fingers.

"Milkshake girl," She said.

"What?"

"I said, let's go get you a milkshake, girl."

 _God._

* * *

Felix's backyard was plain. There were no plants of any sort, just a patchy expanse of grass with cracks in the dirt and an unpainted fence lining it. One of the back panels had fallen down, leading onto an overgrown field that I knew led to the tracks. When we were little, Alice and I used to ride our bikes down the dirt path just alongside it and race the trains coming in. But one time we went too fast and Alice lost control of the handlebars and pitched forward over them and broke her collarbone, so we never done it again after that.

The house was booming behind me, literally shaking the chipping wood of the slats I sat on, and that's exactly why I'd come out here. But also because I could see right over next door to Edward's place. I wondered if Vickie was there, if they were tucked up in bed together after the display. All the lights were off.

I wondered why he'd been helping us with our backyard when his looked like that.

I swirled around the drink Alice had poured me and drank the last little bit quickly. It was fruity and made my eyes all funny and then I set it down beside me and pressed my knees together. It was cold, but not so cold that I was ready to go back inside to the music and the people and the pretending to having fun. Because I wasn't. I wanted to go home, but Paul was our ride and he was with Leah and Jasper and Alice probably and they were having fun and it was barely two. I was the party-pooper, tonight at least and that house next door was goading me so maybe going back inside was the best idea, but I didn't want to.

We didn't go to McDonald's. We didn't get carrot-sticks or milkshakes, we got high and drunk. We spoke nonsense and ignored phone calls, from parents, from boyfriends, from cousins boyfriends. We ignored it all, everything outside that hazy little house and its music and its occupants and its seedy smell. Until I couldn't no more, until the haze wore off and the high faded away and left behind this pit in my stomach and the need for solitude.

But even then, no. There was that house, looming and leering and dark and inviting, but no, no. I looked away.

I could see a hare just munching on something by the fallen fence and I watched it, setting the cup down beside me. It looked, but it didn't run like I thought it would. I smiled, a little one, lazy and sad, and edged closer and when its little ears went up and it stood taller, I stopped and plopped down onto the ground. It had been raining yesterday, so the ground was damp but not mushy. It was too dry out here for that. There were little crystals on the tips of the grass blades and in the cracks in the dirt.

"Hey buddy," I called to it and he looked and ate, those whiskers twitching and I smiled and laughed and imagined he was really listening.

'You lost little fella?' and a sigh and 'Me, too.' He was a good listener.

And that had me giggling until I fell backwards and was looking at the stars. Fireworks were still going off, sporadic and spaced between, but still, somewhere. I wondered where and who and if their life was as messy as mine, but I doubted it.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I said to the sky and the stars and the bunny.

And then were was a face blocking my view, standing over me, grinning and it was him. Edward.

"That makes two of us, Wonderland."

And just like that my heart stopped and I was warm all over, my stomach tongue-tied knots, too tight, the wrong woven into the right. I sat up, the hare darted away and Edward moved closer, hands in his pockets, smile on his face, but it was guilty and unsure.

"What are you doing out here, Milkshake Girl?"

"Don't call me that," I said, scooting backwards, away, down the rabbit hole.

He stopped, frowned, took another step closer, "Don't be like that."

He was reaching out, to me, but I was retracting.

 _At first._

"Don't tell me what to do," I said, standing now, legs jittery. I wanted to cry, to run, to him. I didn't know.

"What happened?" He said, coming closer still. He wasn't angry or sad or anything like that, just hurt and confused. Well, that made two of us.

"You," I said, all shivery, but I was running hot, blood pounding hard. My voice shook and I held steady, stopped, to make the lump in my throat pass.

But that was a mistake because he was there then, pushing my hair over my shoulder, hands a whisper on the side of my throat.

"I'm sorry."

"We don't say that," I said small, pushing him away.

He stopped, arms limp at his sides. He swallowed, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Well, don't."

"I'm trying."

"Not hard enough."

"I don't know how not to."

I snorted and he frowned, but he didn't move away. I didn't want him to, but I should've.

"I called you."

"I know."

My phone had been ringing all night. Right up until I switched it off.

"You didn't answer."

"I know."

He stared at me some, long and hard, lips set and then he sighed, stepping back.

"I shouldn't have come."

"Why did you?" My voice was accusatory.

His eyes flashed to mine, "I saw you from my window. You were on your own. How we left things earlier…"

I snorted again, "How _you_ left things."

He ignored me, "I didn't mean… _that_."

I opened my mouth, smacked it shut again, blinked at him, "Right."

There was no reason for me to be mad. Or maybe it was that I shouldn't have a reason. But I did and I couldn't shake it. He had every right to kiss his girlfriend, to kiss my cousin, without it affecting me. But it did, affect me. He'd held my pinky. He couldn't do that, he couldn't… but he did and… I did.

"Don't be like that," He said again.

"There's no other way to be," I said, "Is there?"

He shook his head, but I wasn't sure he was answering me.

"It's just a phase."

"It's— What?" I said. I don't know why I looked at the moon. I shook my head, "Why'd you do it?"

He took a deep breath, let the air roll out between his lips, "You were… that sugar… I just— Shit, I don't know. I wasn't thinking."

There was a clatter behind me, a chorus of cheers. We both turned to look. Leah was in the kitchen, a bunch of other people, but I saw her and that meant she could see me if she looked.

"Walk with me?" Edward said. I turned to him, deliberated for a split second, knowing I'd agree anyway.

I nodded, followed him over the fallen fence onto the wild expanse of field. He walked ahead, hands in his pockets, head down. He had no jacket on, he must've been cold, but he didn't shiver, didn't react at all, just walked, the crunch of dry grass underfoot permeating the air.

We walked awhile, further into that nothingness, until the house was a pinprick in the distance. There was a willow tree to our left, a little tyre swinging from a rope tied about one of its arms, and he was headed for it. Alice and I used to play off its branches as kids and then when the tyre swing miraculously showed up we'd played off that too, leaving our bikes strewn against its trunk. We were allowed, but only because our parents thought we were going to the park further up. Never here; the back of the houses, the tracks. That was a big no-no, but that only made us want to go more and so we did, until Alice broke that collarbone. We'd told everyone she fell off the swing, the one at the park. We hadn't been back here since.

He sat at the base of that tree, a place Alice and I had sat a million times before, our bikes had rested, sharing food. Mom would always pack me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Alice used to take three Twinkie's and a juice-box. I'd give her half my sandwich, she'd give me a Twinkie and break one in half and then we'd share the juice-box, too, sweaty and red from our racing.

I didn't sit now, I stood away, by the overhang, letting the funny leaves brush my shoulders. The tyre was swinging in circles beside me, rustling the little fuzzy leaves. I pulled a vine off, plucking the leaves off one-by-one and letting them drop to the ground. Edward watched for a while and then he sat forward, sighing.

"I shouldn't have done that earlier."

I stopped plucking, looked up at him. He was looking right on back.

I didn't know if he meant kissing her or touching me like that, my pinkie. I still felt it.

"No," I said stoically, looking away.

"She just… I didn't know what else to do."

"Hmm."

"She's my girlfriend."

And there it was. The real reason. He knew.

I tugged another vine from the branch with a little more force than necessary. The branches overhead shook and wobbled, leaves rained down on my hair. I didn't care. I didn't care.

He sighed and cursed, standing, "Don't shut me out, Isabella. Please, I'm sorry."

"We don't say that," I repeated, staring at the leaves crumbled in my hands.

"Shit, Bella, please," He said, coming closer. I turned away, walking, letting them vines rain over me, tug me back, to him.

"What?"

He grabbed my hip, my arm, or maybe that was the vines, but then my hand was in his and it was all him. I turned my head over my shoulder, looking down. He was looking at it too, our hands, together like that.

And maybe this had been the way all along. Maybe he needed to push me over the edge, so that I could drag him over with me.

"I've—" He swallowed, staring at them, our hands, and then at me, "I've wanted to touch you for so long."

I swallowed and I'd been waiting for this, dreaming, but it was here and I wasn't ready and I thought of that display, the firework one and the one between Vickie and him.

"You have a shitty way of showing it," I said, pulling back, moving forward. My hand was tingling, limp at my side. I didn't know what to do with it now. I didn't know what I was doing.

He cursed behind me, pushing branches out the way to follow my trail.

"I can't. You know I can't. Shit," He said, probably getting caught in the vines but I didn't turn to look.

"You didn't have trouble earlier."

"I— I shouldn't have fucking done that. I'm sorry."

"There you go again with your _sorries,_ " I spat, rounding on him. He jerked to a stop and the worry and shock was written all over his face and my heart was about beating out of my chest and this flush had taken over my whole body because I'd never, not ever spoken to someone like this. Least of all him. And it wasn't about the _sorry_ , not even close. I knew that, but I was latching on to something, anything to have a reason to be mad at him… anything but the fact that I couldn't have him. "You can't do that. You can't… do that again. Vickie…"

"God, I know."

"So, why'd you do it?" I repeated.

He looked at me, not blinking, just staring and pulling my soul clean out of my body. When Edward looked at you, he _looked_ at you.

"I'm—"

"I just— Something came over me. You. I didn't think," He rushed.

Those butterflies fluttered and flapped away in my stomach. And that's when I knew I'd forgiven him already.

I fiddled with the little glow-in-the-dark bracelet I had one and looked at Edward's wrist, but he must've taken his off because it wasn't there.

"No. You didn't. If Vickie had seen… or anyone for that matter."

"I know."

I shook my head, staring at the leaves and the green stains they left on my fingertips. I smudged them together.

"For what it's worth," He said, waiting a beat, "I'm _not_ sorry."

I looked up, at the lightness in his eyes and the taunting smile on his lips. He was trying to lighten the situation, joking, but the way he said it made me think he wasn't.

"We don't apologise."

"Exactly. That's why I'm not," He smiled like he'd won the jackpot, cracked the code, which just so happened to be me. He laughed and I smiled and then he was touching my hair. The plait Alice had done whilst we'd been standing in the kitchen. I'd stood between her legs as she sat on the countertop and she'd just started braiding it. I'd forgotten about it until now. Well, he was just holding the ends of that thick rope and brushing his thumb over the interwoven strands, eyebrows drawn together.

I could see his breath, feel it brushing over my face, that warmth and then he sighed, looking at the floor. I looked, too.

What was he doing… to me?

The ground used to be covered in little yellow flowers, buttercups that I'd hold up to Alice's chin to decide if she liked butter or not —she did, I didn't apparently, but I did, heaps of butter on my toast and I'd cry when she told me I didn't and we'd argue some, which was silly when I looked back, but we were kids and thats what we did. Those flowers, those buttercups, and the long blades of the greenest grass you'd ever seen, well at the time anyway, they were gone and maybe it was because it was winter, I hoped so. But the grass was mottled yellow and a dusty green, but mostly yellow, brittle, like it would crumble if you touched it now, like straw and I thought that was only supposed to happen during the hottest of hot summers, but it was dead, like everything was around these parts. Besides that willow.

I looked from the dead ground to that worn tyre swing. It was dangling from the same blue rope it always dangled from, but it was frayed now. It used to be sky-blue but now it was more powdery and white with age and I imagined the little bits would rub off on your hands. I didn't know who put it there, but I was glad they did.

The rubber was worn down to the tread, cracked at the top from too much weight bearing down on that one spot where the rope was attached. I wondered who'd been back here. I wondered if Edward came back here.

"You come out here a lot?" I asked, looking from the tyre to him. He was looking up at the canopy overhead, circling a little.

"Sometimes," He said, pressing his hands on the tyre, testing his weight on it.

"We used to come out here when we were little, me and Alice," I said, watching him and his arms working.

He looked at me, a flash, and back to the rope. He was testing that now, "You're still little, little girl."

"Well, you make me feel big."

He looked at me, leaned back on his heels, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Bold and ballsy.

He smirked, "What about your lover-boy?"

"What about him?"

He jerked his chin at me, that smile, "He make you feel as big as I do?"

I rubbed my lips together and shook my head, "Not even close."

That made him smile with his teeth, "Your ma let you come down here by the tracks by yourself when you was… little?"

I liked the fact he said _was._

I shook my head, blushing.

"Ooh, you snook around."

I blushed some more.

"Good to know," He said, like that flush answered him. Well, it pretty much did.

"Why's that?"

He let go of the tyre, letting it swing slowly back and forth in front of him. He just smiled. And that answered that.

"You wanna ride?" Edward said, stepping towards the tyre again. He was looking up at all those branches raining over us in that gorgeous canopy arch up above.

"It safe?" I said, looking too.

We didn't worry about such things as kids, but I was grown now. Maybe.

"It'll hold," He said, the tendons in his arms popping as he tugged on the worn blue rope.

I lifted one foot onto the lip of the tyre, pushing my weight onto it just to make sure. Edward rolled his eyes like he was annoyed that I didn't trust him but he was smiling as he fished a pack of smokes from his pocket. He tapped the top of the pack to shake one loose and then flipped the lid, putting them back in his pocket. He lit up, his chin jutted and jaw strong.

I laughed and he looked up at me, at me swinging slightly in the breeze on that one foot still, the other cocked behind me like in those corny teen movies, "What you laughing at, Milkshake Girl?"

"You," I said, resting my cheek against the frayed rope.

He exhaled a long line of smoke, billowing up the willow-top and up, up, up to me balancing on that tyre.

"Sit," He said, patting the space next to my foot. He held my waist as I hopped down and he didn't let go for a moment. I liked the feel of his hands spanning my waist, light and heavy all at once.

One hand moved to my elbow as I manoeuvred my way through the tyre hole and plopped down. The rim dug into my thigh a little but not so much that I wanted to get off.

His hands were on either side of my thighs, curled around that rubber and he pulled me towards him. The branches above made a creaking sound, stretching out 'cause I imagined they hadn't been used in quite a while and then I was flying, soaring towards those vines, gleeful-giggly and close-your-eyes content.

I let the laughter bubble up, tipped my head back and let it out. I looked over my shoulder, smiling and saw it mirrored back, a cigarette hanging between. I looked for a while and he pushed me, letting that ash collect at the end of his smoke until it fell on his shoes.

"Shit," He said, laughing, kicking his foot to shake it off. He let me swing without pushing for a beat, smoking I guessed and then he was right back, pushing me hard, bent at the middle. He grunted and I squealed and he laughed.

"Edward!" I screeched, sky-high soaring, the wind blowing over my face and the baby hairs at my temples. My plait thumped against my back every time I swung back towards him.

He let me slow awhile and then he swung me 'round so I was facing him. He leaned in close, over the top of the tyre and he was right there.

"Hi," He breathed, flashing those pearly whites.

"Hi," I said.

And then he spun me 'round, twisting that rope around and around. I squealed and kicked my legs out, "Don't, don't!"

"Too late," He said all breathy. He stopped it just so, me facing him. I was smiling and breathing heavy and he was doing the same. And then he leant in and kissed me quick. Just a peck, right around that rope, over that worn tyre, but right on my lips. Quick and hard and over just as quick as it had begun.

My mouth popped open in shock and then I was spinning, spinning, spinning. And he was there and then he wasn't and then back again. But on my lips… well, I could still feel him there.

My vision was blurred, and my mind, too. All over the place.

And then it was over and I was slowing and I could see him more clearly, but the rope went around the other way, twisting up again, like my insides, and I was spinning slowly back on myself.

I planted my feet, toes straining, barely brushing the dirt and Edward was standing a foot away, hands stuffed in his pockets and his face solemn.

"Let me take you home," He said.

I lifted my feet into the tyre and pushed back, hopping onto my feet unsteadily.

"I'll take you home," He repeated.

I edged towards him and he watched. That smoke was burning at his feet.

I drew closer and he still didn't move.

"Edward?"

He hummed, swallowed, his eyes darting over my face.

And then I kissed him right back, just a brush of the lips at first, unsure and testing the waters the way he tested that rope. Gentle, so gentle, just slow brushes and stuttered breathes. Just lips, nothing else, everything else. And then his hands on my face, cupping my cheeks, him leaning down to kiss me harder, to kiss me crazy, to kiss me senseless.

My eyes fluttered open. I could see the little blue veins faint on his eyelids, the lashes splayed below them and his lips… on mine. His lips on mine.

I ached to touch him, so I did, my hands on his jaw, the day-old stubble beneath my fingertips, light as a feather, barely touching. He had my face cupped so gently in both of his hands and his lips were brushing so lightly against my own, coaxing me towards him. His thumb working circles on my jaw.

I closed my eyes, falling into him and his kisses and the sweet sweep of his mouth on mine.

This little groan made its way past my lips and I felt his breath stutter on mine, his lips slanted just there as we breathed and then he was kissing me again, harder this time, his fingers getting caught in my hair.

"Bella."

A hum, him or me, maybe both.

"Bella."

"Yes," A breath lost in him.

My eyes were the last to close and the last to open. He brushed his thumb along my bottom lip and then he held my chin and kissed me sweetly and soundly one last time. My eyes fluttered open and he was smiling at me, easy, so easy.

As easy as breathing.

Easy as pie.

A snap. A breeze.

A piece of cake. A milkshake. The ABC's.

As easy as forgetting about age differences and boyfriends and right and wrong.

As easy as forgetting about your cousin, but not her boyfriend. Never him.

He smiled and dipped down to kiss me again.

And surrendering was sweet, but it wasn't nothing.

* * *

 **A/N- I hope you like this 'cause its sure kicked my ass writing it. My father had a stroke, lots of stuff going on, blah-blah-blah, I won't bore you with the intrinsics, but I'm back and I'm better (debatable) and *hopefully* everything's on the up from here on out. Your constant encouragement has been so lovely, truly, and I'm so glad to be back. Hope you guys are still with me 'cause I'm in it for the long-haul even if I haven't updated in a couple months… Sue me.**

 **You don't know how long I've been working on this, rewriting and revising and scrapping and rewriting. It just didn't sit with me, as much as I sat with it… Buh-lieve me. Thank you for your patience, mine very well nearly up and left the room. But, alas.**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by The Verve.**

 **Love you all like cheese-straws and I literally *love* cheese-straws.**

 **Peace.**


	17. 17: Set You Free

**Chapter 17: Set You Free**

Nobody was aware of someone like I was aware of Edward.

I was sitting at my desk in school, thinking of Edward. I was working the bar, thinking of Edward. I was at practice with Kate kicking our ass and Brady's hands around my waist as he jumped, jumped me and lifted me high, thinking of Edward. I was with Riley, thinking of Edward. I was think, think, thinking of Edward. Even when I slept, even when I knew I shouldn't.

Especially then.

Which was always.

I thought of his eyes and his smile, his laughter and his words. _At first. Hi. Hi. Bella, Bella._ His breath and his lips and his hands brushing my thighs as he pushed me on that tyre-swing and that frayed knot, the one above and the one in my stomach. His pinkie, his lips… on mine.

"Bellaaaa," Alice was snapping her fingers in my face, "Where you at?"

"Right here," I lied. My head was far away, never-land which wasn't quite so _never_ anymore.

She huffed, "This about your secret fella?"

She was jibing and poking fun and unwittingly making me feel like shit on the bottom of a shoe. This _fella_ was no secret. He'd been in my family for years and I was making him a secret.

My eyes flashed to Riley, chatting with Jasper by the porch pillars with brown beer bottles in hand. He saw me looking and smiled at me easy, that boyish and charming way he did.

Things would be easier if he wasn't so good to me.

We were at Riley's house, chilling after school. We'd come right after practice. The boys had stayed to watch even though that wasn't usually allowed, but Kate was off sick and Irina had taken over, much to Alice's chagrin, and she hadn't put up a fight when the boys had sat in the stands. They'd watched us attentively, hooting and cat-calling when we flashed our bloomers after a series of twists and turns and kicks. My eyes would flash to Riley's and I'd look away quickly, embarrassed.

Because I wished they were somebody else's eyes. Because those eyes made my heart pound like crazy. These eyes, Riley's, didn't even cause a stir. Not even once.

And then when practice finished, I'd coerced Alice and Jasper to come back to Riley's with me. He'd seemed miffed at my insistence, but I pretended not to notice. I knew what would happen if he took me there alone and I couldn't do that. Not now, not after…

He jerked his chin at me, telling me to come to him. I flitted my eyes from Alice and back to him and held my drink up to him. It was just water and ice and it clinked against the side of the cup. It wasn't exactly summer weather, but I liked chewing ice chunks. Alice thought it was serial-killer behaviour and pulled a face every time I chomped down.

He turned back to Jasper and I turned back to Alice.

"There is no secret _fella."_

"Your mouth tells me something, but your eyes say something different," She said all jokey, but it didn't seem like she was joking.

"Well, you're wrong. I've decided to stay with Riley," I said, a wavery false-conviction to my voice because I had no idea where this was coming from and it wasn't true, but I was making it. Pretending to at least.

She quirked her eyebrow, "Really?"

I nodded, feeling the pitter-patter of my heart against my ribs with more lies feeding its heavy beat, "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking."

She hummed, taking a slurp of her drink. She smelled of cigarettes and weed, but her eyes were sure and perceptive on my face, "Well, okay I guess. If that's what you really want."

"It is."

"Well, alrighty then," and then, "Hey, these are pretty," and her fingers ran over my earrings. The ones Edward got me.

She stepped back and I touched them, too, feeling the swirls and indentations of diamanté's beneath my fingertips.

"Thanks. They're off my mom." She hadn't asked, but the lies came easy now.

Riley saddled up behind me, planting kisses on the side of my throat, arms slipping around my waist, "Hey, beautiful, wanna get out of here?" I assumed that meant his bedroom.

Alice was staring. I shook my head, looking at the floor and he tugged on my hips to spin me to face him, his hands lingering, "I actually need to get home. I've got a bunch of papers to write."

"Already?" He said, squeezing me like he was trying to convince me otherwise.

Alice's phone rang and she went down the porch steps to the perfectly pruned garden to answer. Riley's house was nice, on the upper side of town with the cliché white picket fence and the levelled grass and the mailbox with _The Biers_ painted intricately along the side. His mom was boozy-perfect and his dad was always on business trips, but they were always nice to me; their only child's strait-laced smiley-polite girlfriend.

"Yeah," I said, stepping away, spinning to face him, "Miss Birdy's a bitch. Sorry."

And there I went thinking about Edward again.

 _We don't say that._

"Maybe another time," I tacked on.

He frowned, rubbing circles into my hips with his thumbs, "Well, okay. Need a ride?"

I shook my head, kissing his cheek quickly, hoping that would be enough, "Nah, Dad's picking me up. You stay, have fun."

"I can't without you here, baby," He pouted, drawing me back in.

My stomach rolled. And then he kissed me. I pushed his shoulders back and he smiled like I was playing hard-to-get.

He sighed, relenting, "Call me later?"

"I will," I said, even though I knew I wouldn't.

"Do you have to go?" Alice pouted when I rounded on her. Jasper had gone to refill their drinks.

"Yeah, papers."

She knew I was lying, but she didn't say. I wondered what was going through her head as her heavy-high eyes rimmed in black flitted over my face.

"Right, wanna hang this weekend? Leah said she feels a little better today. Maybe we could go to the beach."

Yeah, there was some sort of flu going around. Leah hadn't been in school for two days and Kate hadn't been in for three.

"The beach?" I laughed, "Alice, it's mid-January."

She shrugged, "That's never stopped us before."

"True, I'll see. I've got—"

"Papers," She said.

"Right."

* * *

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.

The situation was fucked-up to say the least. I knew what I should be doing, what I decidedly should _not_ be doing, but that was long out of the window now. I just didn't know where that left me.

I'd never expected him to be the one to initiate things, never thought there were things to be initiated, at least not on his part. But here we were.

Two weeks later.

No accidentally-on-purpose bump-ins or completely-on-purpose phone-calls or messages. Nada, zilch. I was completely in the lurch and it was driving me crazy.

I wondered if he'd told Vickie. I hadn't seen her either. But I knew he hadn't. I had this feeling. If he couldn't tell her he was helping me with gardening last summer, there was no way he'd tell her he'd given me kisses reserved for her.

I hoped he wasn't still kissing her. The thought turned my stomach, but I wasn't naive enough to believe that. I was just his girlfriend's kid-cousin who he just so happened to kiss, again and again. Pinky-holding and too-cool milkshakes, cream-fights and cool-nights, tyre-swings and madly-fluttering tummy's. Heart-shaped sunglasses and dainty earrings, moonlight and sunshine, tinsel and broken life-lines, _and lies, lies, lies…_

And the thought that maybe, just maybe, he might like me, too.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, but I knew what I wanted to do.

* * *

It was a misty Saturday morning. The air was brisk and so were my steps as I made my way over to _Black's,_ the garage Billy Black owned on the other side of town. It was overpriced and seedy, but I wasn't going there to get a non-existent car fixed-up. I was going there to see Rose. Or so I kept telling myself.

She'd been working there for nearing two weeks now and I figured she'd be settled enough to allow for company. I hadn't seen her in as long, but we'd spoken on the phone and she seemed to have a love-hate relationship with the place. They'd put her on reception, handling calls and sorting files and receipts. Apparently, Billy Black wasn't the most organised of folk and it reflected in the disorganised chaos that was his back-office and his disparaging treatment of Rose.

"He hates me. Like, seriously, _hates_ me. Always grumbling and hissing things at me," She'd said on the phone.

"Hissing?" I'd laughed.

"Yes, _hissing_. Him and Mrs Cope would get on like a house on fire, you know, those cats and all."

I'd laughed at this, much to her chagrin, but she'd laughed along with me in the end.

Edward was apparently the one who'd offered her the job without passing it by Billy and he hadn't been reciprocal to the idea. Edward must've been pretty darn convincing Rose had said. But then I already knew that.

"Apparently, Edward said he couldn't handle the disorder any more, and the guys agreed with him. Yes, _guys._ Just guys. Can you believe that? What sort of misogynistic bullshit is that…"

And then she'd proceeded to go off on a rant that rivalled even Alice's and then back on topic, "…Anyway, they —Edward, whatever— had enough and he asked me, and Billy about threw a hissy-fit when he found out, but Edward stood his ground and —well, you know the rest. But you should see the place, Bells. I feel like I haven't even left this dump for the last two weeks and _that's_ why I haven't called around. Sorry."

And that had been last night, so instead of waiting for her to find time, I'd taken it into my own hands and was making the perilous trek over.

I nibbled on a breakfast bar as I walked and dumped the wrapper in Mrs Cope's trashcan as I passed her little pink bungalow. The curtains fluttered and there were three cats in the window, mewling and watching as I walked, so I quickened my pace.

 _Hissing indeed._

* * *

"You have _no_ idea how happy I am to see you," Rose said as she scooted around her desk to hug me.

I held up the paper bag with the rolled top and waggled it and she made this sound and snatched it, peeling back the creased, greasy paper to reveal the treats I had inside.

She clenched the bag-top in her hand and held it to her stomach, "You didn't."

I smirked and she squealed and set it on her desk, strewn with papers and an old computer —the ancient box-back kind, grey-yellow more than white.

She pulled out a cheese-straw and took a bite with her back teeth, groaning and sitting back at her desk, "I owe you big time."

"Uh, yeah," I said, gesturing to my face and wind-whipped hair, "I walked all the way here. You're lucky I stopped off at all."

She tittered and then groaned when she took another bite, making me laugh. "Mom and Dad got me my first car when I was sixteen," She said around a mouthful.

"Tell me about it. They must hate me or something," I joked, pouting.

"They're just protective of you, B. Besides, you know I crashed that thing within three months of having it. They're probably just taking precautions."

"Well, I'm not you," I blanched, "and how am I ever going to learn if they don't trust me enough to let me? Dad won't even let me near his truck."

Rose guffawed, "Dad wouldn't let you near that thing even if his life depended on it."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'll put in a good word for you," She winked, digging into another and I rolled my eyes, thanking her before taking a moment to look around.

The room was small and cluttered, and there was a window with flimsy, broken blinds looking out onto the garage floor next to the door I'd come through. I pulled a few slats apart, peering through. There was a red car hoisted slightly off the ground on a yellow jack-stand and another behind it lifted right in the air, and shelves and shelves of paint pots and oils and canisters and god-knows what else covering three walls, floor to ceiling. There was a break in the shelves with a door in the gap.

It smelled musty and like gasoline and everything seemed to be covered in a thick, black grease. There were men, but no Edward that I could see of.

"You looking for someone?" Rose asked, digging into another cheesy treat.

I shook my head, looking back at her. She was frowning at the flakes of pastry strewn across her lap, "Just seeing where you work."

"Want a tour?" She joked around a bite, but when I took her up on the offer she went along with it.

"I'm bringing the cheese straws with me though."

I laughed as she dusted the flakes onto the floor, mumbling about cleaning up, but then she went right back to eating and making a mess all over again.

It was bustling and noisy in the main part of the shop. A greasy radio was playing _The Carpenters_ from a stool in the corner and someone was whistling along with it. There was a dirty workbench propped up in the corner with a bendy-lamp and a register perched on top. There was nothing orderly about the place, but I suppose that's why they had Rose around. A woman's touch and all.

She pointed to the door in the back, "That's the break-room. And there's another room back there for parts and non-runners."

"Non-runners?"

She looked at me like I was dumb, "Yeah, you know, cars that won't run?"

"Oh. Why keep them then?"

She shrugged and continued with the tour, "Like I said, it's the parts room."

A few men smiled at me all flirty and Rose waved them off, dragging me to another corner. It was pretty big for such a small town, with separate garages leading off from that one, although slightly smaller.

"Are you happy?"

She smiled, "Yes. I owe Edward big time. Hey, watch it—"

Rose dragged me out of the way before I could trip over a long set of legs hanging out from beneath a beat-up Ford.

I steadied myself on Rose's arm and she offered an apology to the guy as he rolled out from underneath on a creeper. For a moment I thought they were Edwards legs, but then a familiar head rolled out. The sleeves of his navy coveralls rolled up to his elbows, no tattoos, no Edward.

"Oh… hey, Bella, right?"

"Uh, yeah, I—" I looked from his blonde hair to his dirty face. I recognised him, from Edward's birthday party last year, but I couldn't place a name to the face, "Sorry, I forgot your name."

His face fell a little like he was expecting me to remember, "Peter."

"Right, sorry…" I trailed off, seeing a familiar head of dark hair coming from the break-room Rose had pointed out. I felt my heart-rate spike and couldn't help the giddy-scared feeling bubbling up as he walked out, but then that feeling dissipated just as quickly because I recognised the shocking red hair of the person he was tugging along behind him.

"Don't apologise, girl. It's been a while," Peter said and I imagined the flirtatious smile he had going on, but I didn't look. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him, them, Edward and Vickie.

He hadn't seen me, they both hadn't. He was tugging her along and she was trailing along behind, smiling, happy, whilst my stomach twisted and my throat closed up.

"You guys know each other?" Rose was saying. She was looking from Peter to me. And that's when Edward's eyes flickered up, landing on Rose first and then me beside her. To Peter, back to me.

"We met at Ed's birthday bash last year," Peter said, smiling at me. I looked at the floor, the oily footprints ingrained there.

"Hey, little sis," Vickie said, smiling at me sweetly. She was clinging to Edward's arm. I looked from her red nails to his face, wondering what he saw when he stared back at me.

"Hey."

"You come to see Rose in her office?" She said, grinning at Rose like it was the best place.

Rose huffed, "Some office."

Vickie laughed, oblivious to the tension suffocating the place. Or maybe that was just me.

"It's an upgrade," She said and I frowned, not liking the way she said it, like Dad's bar —our bar—was substandard, "We miss you there."

"Yeah, I miss you guys, too," Rose said, an underlying hint of annoyance lining her tone. I looked at her. Maybe she'd picked up on the dig, too.

"What ya got there?" Vickie said, peering forward to look at Rose's hand rustling in the bag. I looked over Vickie's head, at Edward staring right on back, expressionless.

"How you been doing, Bella?" Peter asked, peeling his gloves off.

"Get your grubby hands off my food," Rose was saying to Vickie, smacking her hand away and delving back in to grab another.

"What are they?" Vickie asked.

"Good, thanks." I blushed, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Back to school, right?" Edward asked, but it was malicious, a warning to Peter, an offhanded dig at me. He lifted that pierced brow at me and I wanted to cry, die and punch him… kiss him.

Rose took a bite, groaning, "Bella brought them for me."

"Cheese straws," I said, "They're cheese straws."

I was so dumb.

Edward's lips twitched.

"Ooh, we're headed out for lunch now. Where did you get them, Bella? They smell divine."

"The diner over on Beechfield."

She turned to Edward, "Can we go get some, Eddie? Pleaseee?"

His jaw rolled, his eyes moving from me down to her, "Sure, babe."

And there it was.

* * *

It was two days after that before I gave in to Edward's incessant calls and messages. They kept rolling in and, after pining for it for so long, it was just a matter of time before I gave in. Inevitable, just like that fall.

 _We need to talk._

 _Let me explain._

 _I didn't mean for this to happen._

Two days.

"Bella, hi," He said when I finally answered after the umpteenth call. It sounded like he was surprised I'd actually answered and now that I had, he didn't know what he wanted to say.

I breathed and listened to him do the same. It was cathartic somehow.

"Bella?"

I pursed my lips to stop the words that wanted to come out and pressed my cheek to my knees. My heart was pounding and I felt sick, fraught with guilt. But, above all that, masking it just a little, was this sick giddiness that I couldn't repress. Giving up never felt so good.

He sighed, "I'm not sorry."

 _We don't say that._

I smiled and came undone, thinking of those same words he'd said out the back of his house, but I didn't let him know that right away. Instead, I closed my eyes and relished in the sound of his voice.

"I didn't mean for this to happen, but I'm not sorry, okay? Bella?" There was movement on the other end of the line, rustling and then the familiar flick of a lighter, "Remember? Bella? Are you even there? Fuck…"

"We don't say that."

He waited a beat before speaking and I could hear the smile in his voice when he did, "Exactly."

"I'm not either," Breathy and light, when the situation was anything but. Tears stung the back of my eyes.

"What?" He laughed, letting out this breath.

"I'm not sorry, too."

His laugh was nervous, like he was relieved. Well, that made the two of us.

"I want to see you. Can I see you?" He rushed out.

I mulled it over for all of three seconds, "Yes."

It didn't take long for him to pull up outside my house, windows rolled down despite the less than stellar weather. His head was dipped down as he looked up at my bedroom window from the driver's seat.

I was ready, but I took my time puffing my hair and slipping my shoes on, waiting at the door a second before slipping out; the epitome of blasé but silly-smiling on the inside.

"We can't go to your house," I said, slipping my seatbelt on, looking at him expectantly.

He frowned, but nodded, flashing me a playful smile, "Okay. No sleepovers."

The thought made my cheeks redden. He seemed lighter than ever before and I couldn't help but wonder if that was because of me.

"My mom took the kids to the park," I explained. The park was too close to his place. I didn't want to get caught before we could even start. If that's what we were doing. What were we doing?

"I see," He said, eyes flickering from me to the road, like he couldn't believe I was actually here, "How about the diner?"

That meant he didn't plan on kissing me again. And maybe I shouldn't be thinking about that or wanting it at all, but I always did and I was.

"The lake?" I suggested, feeling small.

The cheesy smile I was rewarded with made me feel ten-foot tall, "The lake it is."

Two days and a lifetime of regret. But who was counting?

* * *

Red dust floated up as we pulled into the lot across from the lake. We sat for a moment, waiting for the disturbed sand to settle. Edward let the car idle and I spied the keyring I'd gotten him for Christmas dangling from the keys. He had a _Black Keys_ CD playing and he'd been strumming his fingers along the wheel the entire ride over, whether in excitement or nervousness I didn't know. Maybe a little of both.

Because this thing, whatever it was, was exciting, no matter how wrong it was.

There were three men sporting a rod each, left to dangle over the water as they sat on camper chairs with tinnies of Estrella Damm in hand and cooler boxes by their feet. Edward jerked his chin at them as we walked past and they grinned and nodded their heads, their eyes flittering between the two of us. One looked familiar, but I couldn't place from where. Russet skin and scraggly grey hair to his shoulders, deep-set dark eyes and a pot beer-belly. He was staring, they all were, and I wondered what we looked like to them. A couple? Family? Or was it plain to see that we were sneaking around?

We didn't speak as we passed them and Edward's hands were stuffed in his pockets as he snuck auspicious glances at me.

"What?" I asked, looking over my shoulder. The three men were laughing and talking again, oblivious to us once again. And it was that easy, this normal thing. Nobody wondered about us, nobody judged us. Because they didn't know. How could they? I don't know why I felt like it was written all over my face. But I guess that was just the guilt talking.

"I just— I didn't think you'd give me the time of day," He said, looking at me like he thought I was going to run.

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Yeah, but at the garage the other day…" He scratched behind his ear, "I thought I'd ruined it. I was such a dick."

"Yes, you were," I said, nodding my head a little, "But what else were you supposed to do? Kiss me?" I asked and pursed my lips. The words had just slipped right out, making this real. He swallowed, looking from my lips to the foxtail grass sprawling out the edge of the water to his left, "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Don't say that, remember?" He smiled, but it was tinged with something that I'd felt all along, the thing written all over my face.

"Right. Not sorry."

"And, no, I couldn't do… _that…_ but I didn't have to be so cold with you. You don't deserve that. This is on me."

And he looked like he believed it.

"Edward, don't. Don't blame yourself. I _wanted_ you to kiss me. I've wanted you to kiss me for a while," I bit my lip, surprised that I was admitting to it, "I kissed you back, remember?"

He hummed, lips all twisted like he was fighting a grin, "I remember."

And he looked like he did. _Damn._

"But I didn't mean for this to happen," He grimaced, resignation settling in.

"I know," I said simply, "you've said that already."

He looked at me hard.

"And… me either," I added as an afterthought. I felt my cheeks bloom despite the sharp whip of wind that came from the water.

"So, what now?" I asked. He seemed to have lost the ability to speak and I couldn't stop.

He halted, rounding on me. He toed a patch of grass with his shoe. His lips moved but the wind ate up his words, so I said, "What?"

"I'm not sorry, I told you," He shouted, but the whistle of the wind had ebbed away and I heard him loud and clear.

Air got caught in my throat and I choked it down, eyes flickering from his parted lips to his wide eyes, "Me either," I repeated.

He pressed his lips together and smirked, eyes trailing over me, "Yeah?"

I nodded, smashing my lips together to stop the giddy smile from giving me away, "Yes. I'm not sorry that I want you."

 _I'm not sorry for everything that means. I'm not sorry for the pain it's going to cause. I'm not sorry for the lies we'll have to tell. Not sorry, not sorry, sorry…_

He groaned, "You can't— I mean, this is a bad idea."

"I know that, too."

"You don't care? Vic…"

"No, no, it's not like that… for me…"

He frowned, mulling it over for a second. His eyes widened, "You think? Shit, you think I'm doing this to hurt her on _purpose_?"

I shook my head, "I don't know. I just— I've never…"

His hands were moving through his hair and he looked at war with himself, like he was trying to fight down everything he was feeling. I guess he was, "Bella, it's the same for me. I've never done anything like this, never thought I would, until…"

 _You._

He didn't say it, but I knew and the thought made me stupid-elated.

"Same here. I mean, I've never wanted to."

Those men started up a raucous, laughing and shouting as one of their lines started tugging with a catch.

"Come on," Edward said and he held his hand out to me like it was the most normal thing in the world. Well, it fit like a glove so it must've been. His hand squeezed once and so did my heart.

We walked hand-in-hand down the waterfront and I tucked my chin into my jacket, hiding my smile, liking how my hand fit in his. Edward was stony-silent and solemn beside me, eyebrows furrowed and looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was hurting whilst I was internally rejoicing, but that feeling quickly evaporated.

"We're gonna hurt her," He didn't have to specify. He was the voice of reason now it seemed.

The only thing that undermined the voice of reason was emotion and there was plenty of emotion here. I'd felt it in his stares and his words and his touches and his lips and his hand in mine, and it was all in me, too, bubbling up.

"I know," I said quietly, even though my thoughts were loud and angry.

"You don't care?" He said, glancing at me like he couldn't bear to look for too long. He was flip-flopping between nervous-excitement at the prospect of us and plummeting when the reality of that caught up with him. He was intense and I didn't know if I could handle that, yet here I was.

"Of course I do! But I can't help how I feel… about you."

He shook his head, dropping my hand, "This is wrong. So wrong."

He tugged on his hair, arms raised above his head, stalking back and forth like a caged animal and I was caging him. I was caging him, but he'd caged me long before.

"Edward?"

He stopped, looking over at me, and dropped his arms, his guard and I was there, in front of him. I tucked my hair behind my ears and I had his attention, all of it. And I liked that feeling.

He touched my earlobes, a gentle brush, over those earrings he got me.

"I love that you wear these," He said lowly.

"Always," I breathed, "I always wear them, never take them out."

"Don't."

I shook my head a little, light-headed, agreeing blindly, blind, and I thought maybe he was going to kiss me. But he pressed his lips against my forehead, long and scorching. And then he touched my cheek, like a child and I felt just like one. Searing and soaring.

But that was enough, for now.

Take it slow, easy. When it was anything but.

"You said 'at first,'" I pressed.

"I did," He said simply. His lips twitched, like he wasn't sure whether he was allowed to smile, to be happy. I wasn't either.

"So?"

"You grew up, Milkshake Girl."

I smiled, I let myself feel it and I revelled in it, that feeling he instilled.

He smiled, smirked, half-hearted and wishy-washy and taking me all in, like he was letting himself feel it, too. Well, I didn't know what there was to look at, me in my pea-coat and my jeans and my sneakers.

"What?" I tittered, squirming with his scrutiny, even though it made me feel powerful and wonderful and like the prettiest girl there ever was.

He started walking again, clasping our hands together.

"You."

"Just me?"

"There's no just about it," He said, looking at me with this look in his eyes I couldn't describe. It stole my breath away.

"But?"

He exhaled, shrugged, "But nothing anymore. I'm lost. You've got me spun, girl, and I can't ignore it anymore."

"I can't either," I said, looking from him to the water. I remembered summer-sun and yellow bikinis and cookouts and families and how maybe I, _we_ , were going to ruin that now, "I mean, I don't want to."

"You're stronger than me."

I stopped, threw some leaves at him that I'd collected. He scowled, that smiley scowl, and shook leaves from his hair.

"I've had practice."

His smile went, his scowl stayed. He'd caught a leaf I'd thrown and was fiddling with it, "How long?"

"Since christmas."

He frowned, looking at me, looking some more, and I saw the moment when it dawned on him, "Shit. _Shit_."

I felt the blush come on, looked down, carried on walking. And he was behind me then, following, my shadow.

"I had no idea."

"I know."

"You should've said," He said, touching my arm. I liked the thought of him chasing me, which was crazy-stupid and all sorts of messed-up, but it made me tingle all over and all through.

"What would I have said?" I asked. He hummed, touched my hair. I shivered and looked at him over my shoulder, "I was fourteen. I had Riley, almost, you had Vickie…"

My eyes flickered to his.

We _still_ had them.

I cleared my throat, "I was a kid and you didn't like me that way then, obviously… You would've laughed if I'd told you I liked you and I would've died of embarrassment."

"I wouldn't have laughed," He said, contradicting himself by laughing.

"Maybe not, but Vickie would've. And then she'd tease me, but she'd probably be pissed. And rightly so."

"You would've told her?"

"No, too embarrassing. Wouldn't you?"

He pursed his lips, mulling it over, "I don't know. Guess we never will."

There was a stony silence then, the rolling of a rock he kicked. He bent down, picking it up, rolling it between his hands.

And that's about when it all came crashing down on me, this weight, lifted with his words, thrown back on with mine.

This had the potential to ruin everything.

But there was no going back now.

"I didn't know," He said. He threw his arm back, pitching the rock clear across the water. It danced across, skimming, once, twice, three, four times before sinking to the bottom, leaving ripples and waves behind. I could never do that. Dad tried to teach me when I was younger, but I could never get the hang of it. Two mediocre splashes were as far as I got before the inevitable _glug_ as it got swallowed up by the water.

"You didn't know to look," I said, "Why would you?"

He had his hand over his eyes as he looked out over the lake, sheltering them from the sun peeking out from behind the grey-white clouds. He pushed his hair off of his forehead, dropping his hand.

"I shouldn't have… looked _now_ ," His eyes were wild and intense and I could see this all dawning on him, the repercussions. He was looking at me, but I was looking at his stomach, or his black hoodie rather. I couldn't handle the accusation in his eyes, even though it wasn't even aimed at me. Maybe it hurt more that it wasn't, maybe I wanted some blame.

"I'm glad you did. Look," I clarified, lifting my eyes a little to see his reaction. He was serious, oh-so serious, but he had this small lazy grin like he couldn't help himself. It made my heart flutter.

"Maybe I am, too."

He smiled, I smiled. That's how it worked.

We did another lap of the lake, getting a feel for what this could be and what it could never be. He didn't even know when he'd started liking me like that, it just came creeping up on him he'd said.

"The first time I met you," I'd told him again, "that Christmas, like I said. But I guess it was more of a school-girl crush back then."

"Back then?" He'd asked, grinning, "What is it now?"

Well, I'd been lost for words. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to comprehend how I felt and put it into words.

"I don't know," I'd squeaked, embarrassed at the turn the conversation had taken, "Just… more."

"More?"

"Yeah, more. It's different now, more… intense?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good, I'm glad. It'd be a damn shame if you only had a school-girl crush on me now, _school-girl."_

I'd nudged my shoulder with his with a 'hey!' and a giggle and it felt completely normal. I don't know why that shocked me so much. Nothing had changed, but everything had.

"Edward?" I asked on the way back to the car. He was helping me navigate a puddle that had overspilled from the lake into the grass.

He hummed, eyes still on my feet.

"What exactly is this then?"

"You got it?" He asked about the little leap I had to make. It was muddy and slippery, but he had my hand strong and steady in his.

I nodded and made the jump, sliding a little, but he held me upright against him.

He bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at me, "It's whatever we make it."

There were no declarations of love like in my silly, fanciful dreams, no passionate embrace or locking of lips. There was nothing but a 'yes, okay' and a nod of the head, the small starting of a smile that was mirrored back. And that was okay. For now.

* * *

 **A/N- Corona has no place in this fic, unless it's the beer and then… bring it on. If there's one thing all of this is good for though, it's finding time to write some more. I hope this distracts you from the craziness going on out there. Your reviews last chapter were the sweetest of sweet, they make me stupid-happy in these sad times. We're currently in lockdown in the UK and so all I've done is work from home and read ff. How have you been coping with it all?**

 **Chapter title inspired by song of the same name by The Black Keys. I kinda think it's perfect for this hmm.**

 **Stay safe, guys. Seriously. Love to you all.**


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